After the fruitless discussion she went to the One who had called her. She knelt before the tabernacle in a nearby church. That the Lord really called her, she was positive. Still her heart was so very heavy. In her mind rang the question: “Why?” From the vantage point of the completed work of Mother Theresia in retrospect to this day, one realizes: It was necessary that she pass through all this suffering to grow in maturity for the future work God had determined for her. But at that time she was to carry the full weight of the question. The words of Christ might have entered her mind: “Who loves father and mother more than me is not worthy of me” (Mt 10:37). Was her vocation sufficiently clear at that time to enable her to bring about a hard, conclusive break with her mother? The command of love of parents also entered her mind. She still trusted that sometime and someday she would get the consent of her mother. There was so much to consider. What was right?
As Aline went to her room that evening, she could find no respite in sleep. Her thoughts were too agitated. Out in the open a nightingale began to sing, at first soft, in dull and plaintive tones, then assured, ever more joyous and clear, until the song became a jubilant outburst of exultation. The nightingale sang peace into the heart of Aline. She felt that somehow she was not alone in the dark. God wished to have her and he would also determine the time in which she would go. He alone knew his designs for her. Therefore he placed these obstacles in her way. It was not easy for Aline to realize that she must wait still longer.
In her discussion with her mother, Aline’s heart condition may have militated against her call to the religious life. It appeared as a clear sign. Normally one would consider seriously before admitting a young girl with heart trouble into the convent. It is strange Aline never considered that a reason for doubting her religious call. At this period she suffered rather severe heart attacks; she was quite ill, bedridden, and required nursing care. When recovered somewhat in health she often assisted her sister Emilie in her household tasks. Emilie had married in the meantime and also suffered from a prolonged illness.
Concerning the inner attitude of Aline during these times, her friend and confidant, Emma Deimel, remarked: “The inner urgency of my friend was always to lead souls to God, and how wonderfully our Lord brought it about that her wish was fulfilled. She was sickly and often seriously ill; but that did not satisfy her zeal. She made novenas to beg for suffering and our dear Lord also fulfilled this wish.” Considering these remarks, one could get the impression that Aline herself at times scarcely believed she would ever be a religious. According to human judgment it was unwise for a sick person to pray for more suffering, if she really wished to enter the convent. To enter a convent, at least a reasonable condition of health is required. However it may have been, it required special courage for a sick person to pray for the grace of suffering in this way. One can explain it only in the light that at this time she recognized her vocation as that of suffering and she was prepared to answer the call.
Still, she must have realized that her vocation in life was not to exhaust itself in suffering only. An incident that played an important role in the life of the sick one is related by Emma Deimel: “Once when Aline was bedfast, I visited her. She mentioned that she saw a nun in a brown habit standing at the foot of her bed. She was firm and maintained that it was St. Clare.” No further details are known regarding this incident to permit a fuller explanation. However, with Aline it had the effect that she felt herself more definitely called to the religious life.
Her idea gained stability with Rev. Rector Hesse, who understood the nature of his penitent thoroughly. Was he fearful of using his influence outside the confessional in Aline’s behalf? He felt that it could be readily construed that he divulged the secrecy of confession if in a talk with the mother he should give the reasons for Aline’s vocation. He counseled Aline to contact Rev. Hengstebeck. She did so and with great confidence and made a complete manifestation of conscience to him. She felt a sense of security in his real support and was especially grateful that he offered to talk with her mother concerning her vocation. Through his authority, the pastor succeeded in finally winning the consent of Aline’s mother. Aline now thought she had reached her goal. She consequently took the necessary steps and applied to the Salesians in Hoexter for admission. She was most likely drawn to the Salesians through the influence of Missionary Hillebrand who knew the convent in Hoexter well. He had also previously counseled the Salesians to make a foundation in Mülheim, which they did in 1859.
Her day of admission was determined. The required dowry was procured. Aline bade farewell to her friends, acquaintances, and relatives. Then something very unusual happened. As Aline went to a neighboring woman, Jaeger by name, who was an intimate friend of hers, to bid her goodby, she said to her: “Unpack your trunk, dear Aline, you are called to found an order of perpetual adoration here in your home town.” From where did this woman have the certainty for such a statement? Did it rest merely on the supposition that Mrs. Jaeger knew Aline well? Aline did not have much time to reflect on the occurrence nor to ponder whether God really wanted to make something known to her through this statement, or whether it was merely the spontaneous outburst of a soul well known to her. However, Aline was unable to travel the next morning for erysipelas had suddenly attacked her. Again she was confronted with the reality of being unable to carry out the cherished ideal of her heart as she had planned. God wanted otherwise. In consequence, she decided not to apply again to the Salesians for admission.
In later years, she told one of her Sisters that about this time she had had a strange dream. She saw St. Francis of Assisi and St. Teresa of Avila having a debate. It was concerning Aline. The saints could not come to a decision to whom Aline should belong. At length St. Francis won and took Aline as his daughter. But St. Teresa did not relinquish her claims so readily. With hands stretched out over Aline, she gave her a blessing. Surely this was but a dream and an experience not too readily supernaturalized. But somehow the dream was a mirrored picture of what went on in the mind of Aline. After the collapse of her plan to enter the convent with the Salesians, the question as to where she should now apply was but natural. She had received the name of Maria Theresia as a Franciscan Tertiary; her friend Emma Deimel had entered the Carmelites, daughters of St. Teresa. Aline and Emma most certainly talked with each other about their inclinations to enter the convent. From their confidential talks, St. Teresa could have entered her dream. On the other hand, Aline as a Tertian, was bound to St. Francis, her birthday on the Stigmata of St. Francis gave her further connections with the saint. Therefore, was she not destined to become a Franciscan? Men doing research work, sometimes take very insignificant data as reasons for their conclusions. Who would question that God also uses insignificant things, such as a dream, to draw them into his plan in order to reveal his designs for them?
Chapter III
New Beginnings
Aline had now reached the age of twenty-nine. During the past nine years she had repeatedly sought to enter a religious community, but her plans were always thwarted. The year 1859 brought for her a turn in events although not in decisions. Seemingly it had never occurred to her to found a religious order of her own, although in those days the idea was not a strange one. The Catholic Church in Germany at that time enjoyed a spring-like blossoming of foundations in religious orders. Every year new ones came into being. Frequently the founders were quite ordinary people. They all knew themselves called to serve the needs of the church and of mankind. Often enough the only basis for a foundation was a generous heart ready for all sacrifices.