I remember thinking this very strongly on the hot August day when we were heading to my grandfather’s funeral. I had been very blessed. I had reached my mid-twenties before I ever encountered significant loss, had to be part of a funeral procession, or had to walk across parched ground to a place where an open grave waited. But on the day of my grandfather’s funeral I was experiencing all of this. It was miserably hot, and I was overwhelmed with the realization that my childhood was truly over as one of the first persons who had known me since the day I was born was laid to rest.
But no one else on the streets seemed to care about my heavy heart. For them it was just another hot and muggy day. They rushed past me without a moment’s notice, not noticing my pain at all. I never forgot that feeling of no one knowing or caring. From time to time I still wonder how often I’ve caused someone else to feel that way? How often do I judge someone who is grieving, who has just received bad news, who is unemployed, or who is fighting cancer? We don’t know any of those things about the people we encounter as we go about our busy lives. All we concentrate on is whether they annoy us, get in our way, or do not meet our standards of behavior or appearance. Imagine what a wonderful future it could be if each of us taught our grandchildren to be more sensitive to the burdens and concerns other people might be carrying.
Pope Francis tells us, in the document that announced the Year of Mercy to be held in 2016, why our insensitivity to the unknown burdens and struggles of others must stop: “To refrain from judgment and condemnation means, in a positive sense, to know how to accept the good in every person and to spare him any suffering that might be caused by our partial judgment, our presumption to know everything about him” (The Face of Mercy, 14).
Our Tough Standards
Consciously or unconsciously many of us judge ourselves by the same high standards that we impose on others. Even worse, some of us may expect others to live by standards we ourselves do not even meet. Either way, judging can be as harmful to ourselves as to others. That is why Jesus says, “Stop judging and you will not be judged” (Lk 6:37). If we are constantly judging others for their out-of-date clothes, old car, bad haircut, boring vacation, or unattractive houses, we must work very hard to make sure our own wardrobe, transportation, image, travel, and home all measure up to the standards we use to judge others.
Some of us also tend to judge others by their religious traditions or practices — and think that only our beliefs and practices are acceptable to God. What a great disservice we do to God when we judge him to have a heart no more merciful or accepting than ours! It reminds me of an experience I had with my eighteen-month-old granddaughter. She had come to be very fond of me. When I came into the room, she would run to me as fast as she could. She loved to have me carry her or hold her. One day she was playing contentedly on the floor when her older brother fell and hurt himself. He came running to me crying and I wrapped my arms around him and began to comfort him. My little granddaughter jumped up from where she was playing, ran to him, put both of her little hands on his chest and pushed him away from me as hard as she could, nestling herself into the place where he had been in my arms. It was as if she were saying, “My grandma and my grandma only.” This jealous and childish behavior is much like what we do when our judgments push others away from God’s love and care. We are saying, “My God and my God only.”
Jesus does not judge us by our standards. Neither do our grandchildren. In their innocent love for us, our grandchildren teach us a nonjudgmental kind of acceptance and love. They do not care if we are old, have aches and pains, or wear glasses. We came into their lives after many years of journeying through this world. They accept us exactly as we are now. We do not have to pretend to be anyone different for them. That is one of the many things that makes our time with them so special.
We can help our grandchildren become more — rather than less — accepting by modeling that ourselves. When we are more willing to accept the way we are, we will become more willing to accept the way other people are. When we learn to appreciate the good in ourselves, we will learn to see the good in others. Conversely, when we learn to appreciate the good in others, we will be more likely to see the good in ourselves. This accepting attitude will make us more grateful, generous, and joyful.
When we are quick to judge others and hold them to high standards, usually we are likewise hard on ourselves. We often put more time and energy into trying to live up to society’s standards than we do in trying to live up to Gospel standards. Is this the life we really want for our grandchildren? Or can we learn and teach them a different way? Can we encourage them to accept themselves and all other people as God made them to be? When we do this, we can stop expecting perfection from ourselves and others. We can relax and enjoy life so much more.
It is, of course, important to recognize that accepting others — despite the flaws and weaknesses we all have — is not the same as condoning inappropriate or immoral behavior. A dear friend is grandmother to four children whose mother abandoned them because of drug abuse. This grandmother encourages her grandchildren to still love and pray for their mother even while teaching them to avoid the mistakes their mother has made in life. Saint Timothy offers us good advice for handling such difficult situations: “First of all, then, I ask that supplications, prayers, petitions, and thanksgivings be offered for everyone. This is good and pleasing to God our savior, who wills everyone to be saved and to come to knowledge of the truth” (1 Tm 2:1,3–4). If God wants to save everyone, surely he does not want us to condemn others. Rather, let us teach our grandchildren to accept and pray for those who do wrong.
Speak of the Good
Sadly, our society today seems to have a hunger to hear the negative. Has the media trained us to like bad news? Or do they bombard us with it all day because they know that is what will keep us glued to our screens? We may not be able to control the headlines, but we can control our own conversations — especially around our grandchildren. Let us start paying attention to how many conversations are filled with criticism and judgment rather than praise and kind words. We may find that we don’t often talk about the beautiful flowers tenderly cultivated in one person’s yard but will surely discuss the junk and clutter in another’s.
Saints, I believe, knew how to speak of the good. We often call a person a saint who never complains or never criticizes another person. Saint Ignatius Loyola tells us that thinking and speaking the good is a virtue we should strive to live: “Every good Christian ought to be more eager to put a good interpretation on a neighbor’s statement than to condemn it” (Spiritual Exercises, 22).
We may think we have the freedom to say whatever we want about another person, as long as it is true. However, revealing negative information about someone — even if it is the truth — is also a form of gossip. No one needs to know another’s secrets or weaknesses. Such hurtful conversations are “a sinful violation of the privacy of others” (United States Catholic Catechism for Adults, 434).
Even worse is to slander another person by making statements which are wrong or an exaggeration of the truth. As grandparents, we need to be alert to this kind of talk from our grandchildren. They may love to tell us stories about their friends, teachers, or siblings. If the stories seem to have a particularly negative tone, we may want to gently ask them if this is really the truth or the way it happened. We may have an opportunity to nip a bad habit in the bud.
It is much easier for us to accept one another if we look for the good rather than what is not. Our world very much needs people to see and accept the good in others. In their innocence, our grandchildren can teach us that when we forget this. In our wisdom, we can teach them when they forget. The message of the Gospel is one of acceptance. The teachings of the Church call us to love and accept one another. Aware that our grandchildren are watching us in all we say and do, let us learn to speak of the good in all people.
For Reflection
1. Do I affirm my