And that’s a good question. Why do we need to hear his voice? Why do we listen so carefully when he whispers? We have seen the residents of the nursing home who have slipped away into silence, their fragile bodies turned toward the wall, their eyes glazed over in resignation. We don’t want him to slip away into an uncommunicative silence. We want him to know that we care about him. And we want to hear about him, and who he is. He enriches our lives.
The Art of Listening
In today’s environment, it is all the more necessary, then, to foster the virtue of listening — or better, the art of listening.
Listening is an art, not a skill. Pope Benedict wrote:
To listen means to know and to acknowledge another and to allow him to step into the realm of one’s own “I”…. Thus, after the act of listening, I am another man, my own being is enriched and deepened because it is united with the being of the other….4
Like any art or virtue, it can be learned and practiced. And why? So that we can grow closer to our loved ones and closer to God.
As Pope Francis says,
Good communication helps us to grow closer, to know one another better, and ultimately, to grow in unity. The walls which divide us can be broken down only if we are prepared to listen and learn from one another. We need to resolve our differences through forms of dialogue which help us grow in understanding and mutual respect. A culture of encounter demands that we be ready not only to give, but also to receive.5
As a marriage and family therapist (Art), and as speakers and authors of several Catholic practical books for engaged couples, spouses, and parents (Art and Laraine), we believe that there is a need to address this simplest — yet foundational — aspect of all human relationships.
The first step in discipleship is listening. Jesus’ disciples heard his call. There must have been a cacophony of voices all around: the crowds clamoring for a miracle, the Pharisees denouncing and challenging him, the moaning of the sick and the wailing of the possessed. Yet there was the quiet, authoritative voice of Jesus saying, “Follow me.”
This book is about listening:
• Listening to God, listening to others.
• Listening to your heart, your body, wisdom, criticism.
• Listening to the silence.
And it’s about:
• Practical ways we can improve our listening skills.
• Real-life situations where we forgot to listen and things quickly went south.
• Real-life situations where we did, by the grace of God, listen.
We need to listen to one another, to God, and to the Church in order to truly walk with our fellow travelers. This notion of accompaniment is particularly significant for Pope Francis. He is calling for a genuine culture of encountering people. He is showing us how to truly “evangelize” — our primary vocation as Christians — to love and to bring Christ’s love to all our brothers and sisters. To be loving, we must listen.
Pope Francis writes in Evangelii Gaudium that
The Church will have to initiate everyone — priests, religious and laity — into this “art of accompaniment” which teaches us to remove our sandals before the sacred ground of the other (cf. Ex 3:5). The pace of this accompaniment must be steady and reassuring, reflecting our closeness and our compassionate gaze which also heals, liberates and encourages growth in the Christian life.6
In a world ever more strident, ever more politicized, we need to find spaces where we can walk gently with one another so that our common hopes and dreams can be glimpsed. And in that healing moment of understanding, we can be brought together, just as Christ longed for us to be.
In the chapters that follow, we will present real-life situations where listening is vital for body, mind, and soul — where sometimes we fail to listen and other times we succeed. Each chapter will include a short scriptural reflection or quote from the saints as well as a practical listening skill or virtue that readers can practice.
— Practical Application —
Being Silent
Many times we are afraid to be empathic because we think empathy means we “agree with” what the other person is saying. Before we can even decide whether or not we agree, we must first understand. But understanding and being empathic is not simply a matter of hearing and parroting back, “I hear you saying you are feeling lonely” and then jumping to a swift solution to the problem. Before we work on being fully present, attentive, and empathic, we are going to need to learn how not to react. We are going to have to practice being silent.
This may be an easier assignment for introverts than for extraverts. Extraverts always find it easy to carry — and sometimes dominate — the conversation and are often accused of failing to listen. But introverts have their own foibles. A naturally shy person may be intimidated by the prospect of carrying a conversation, and may find himself monologuing or inappropriately latching onto one word that was said and effectively derailing the conversation. Most often, however, we have difficulty being silent because we disagree with what the other person is saying. We think we must immediately respond and nip the discussion in the bud. We think that listening to them, hearing them out, is equivalent to agreeing with them.
Now you have to be ready for this. It won’t be easy. But the payoff, down the road, is remarkable. Ready? Okay.
1. Press the pause button. This week, let’s practice pressing the pause button, as Art likes to say. Make a decision that during one conversation or one meeting today, you will be silent, just listening to a person when you would typically respond. It might be your spouse, a child, a co-worker, a neighbor. Just pick someone and radically listen. Not thinking in your mind all the responses you will make as soon as the person takes a breath. Not thinking about the Yankees, not wishing you were on the beach, not coming up with responses in your head, but dying to yourself and being fully present to the other person. Take a moment to find peace within yourself, allowing the other person to say what is on his heart or mind.
2. Spend three days in the tomb with Jesus. When something really gets you upset and you want to lash out in anger, remember that Jesus spent three days in the tomb. Wait three days before responding. During those three days, pray. Especially pray for the person you are angry with. You will be amazed to find that on the third day, you are not so upset with them anymore and can respond rationally, calmly, and lovingly.
3. Spend time in silent prayer. How often do we pray when we desperately need something from God? Prayers of petition are important. They acknowledge God’s love and power. But they should not be our only form of prayer. To pray only when we need something is “vending machine” prayer. Let’s try spending some time in quiet prayer when we are not asking or complaining about anything. Find a quiet spot or stop by the church for a visit. Pope Benedict XVI said that silence is “the sphere where God is born.”7
Chapter 2
Listening to Others
It’s very early morning, the sun just beginning to glint gold over the mountaintops, shadows of the night still covering the garden, lush with palms, cypress, and desert succulents. Mary Magdalene enters through the garden’s low archway, her heart aching with desolation, eyes still red with weeping. To her astonishment, she finds the stone removed from the tomb, and she runs back to tell Simon Peter and John. “They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we do not know where they have