Ted started his hockey career in skates borrowed from the husband of a family friend. They were way too big, but he loved them anyway. The happiness spark was always there, and Ted chose to blaze bright, even in borrowed hockey skates. He took responsibility for his inner happiness, and over time, the results came thick and fast. The guy who started playing in boots that were too big became the NHL’s leading goal scorer, and that year, his team won the Stanley Cup. By then, the skates probably fit!
When we decide today that how we feel and how we act— and the results we get—are our own responsibility, we can begin to take ownership of every small step forward that brings us closer to our goals. This develops our ability to act from a feeling of true confidence. Ultimately, our sense of contentment and personal happiness will naturally blaze brighter.
Being Your Own Head Coach
“Ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
HAROLD THURMAN, civil rights leader
SOMETIMES THAT GAME that used to bring us so much fun and personal reward doesn’t feel so much like fun anymore. We feel fed up, and the outlook isn’t good. Something in us says it’s time to make a change. The good news is this is the perfect time to learn what’s going on in our minds and become our own head coach.
Listen to the people around you when they talk about their goals. Take the time to notice if their words are about what they actually want. Perhaps they’re really saying what they don’t want. Here’s the takeaway: the mind doesn’t pay much attention to the do or do not part.
For example, if someone (that would be me) tells herself to stop thinking about chocolate, to forget about how it smells or how good it looks in the wrapper, her mind will focus on the word “chocolate.” Now all she can think is, Where is that bar of extra-dark I hid somewhere? Hang on, I’ll be right back. Mmm. . . Okay, where was I?
Ah, yes, let’s bring this back into the hockey arena. What if, just before a penalty shootout, the player keeps telling himself, Don’t miss this shot, don’t miss this shot, don’t miss this shot . . . What do you think his mind will be focusing on? His brain will be setting him up to miss, miss, miss the shot.
So what action do you need to take to be your own powerful head coach? Learn to monitor your self-talk.
Case Study: Powering Up the Play
“I think self-awareness is probably the most important thing toward being a champion.”
BILLIE JEAN KING, tennis player and activist
OFTEN WE CAN reach a plateau and find ourselves unable to make a breakthrough, or we can even find that we no longer enjoy ourselves as much anymore—especially after many, many months of training and focus on a particular project. An incredibly talented golfer I worked with, Ryan Weatherall, learned that self-awareness could turn his game around. I trained Ryan to concentrate on how he spoke to himself, on his internal self-communication.
I had heard Ryan talk about what he didn’t want when talking about his goals. He didn’t want to waste his time on the golf course, he didn’t want to miss his shot, he didn’t want to let his family down, and he didn’t want all his hard work to go to waste.
The trouble with Ryan was that his mind had to think about what he didn’t want in order to focus on what he did want. Ryan’s mind was overworked focusing on wasting his time on the golf course, missing his shot, letting his family down, and all his hard work going to waste.
Ryan had to discipline his mind to notice what he was doing when he spoke to himself. As psychologist Daniel Goldstein says, “I think self-discipline is something; it’s like a muscle. The more you exercise it, the stronger it gets.”9
When Ryan found the discipline to change his focus, when he became aware of the power of his own words, he enhanced his personal power. He says, “I struggled with mental focus throughout the round. I could often keep it together for sections of a round and score very well. When I would lose my focus, I often lost very good rounds or had a lot of making up to do. This season, after I have played 15 rounds or so, I must say I have been able to keep focused throughout. Through thick and thin if I hit a bad shot, I think back to our positive thinking and self-control. I get it back together quicker than ever. My mentality has never been stronger. It is amazing to feel at the top of my game all the time in all aspects of life.
“What is also quite impressive is that I am not the only one to notice the change. Upon my return home after my stay in B.C., I have had several long-term friends as well as my family notice a big change. For starters, I returned to my home course to play with my long-term coach, Bob, to kick off the season. I played very well but didn’t realize that it was not only the score that was impressive that day! We went into Bob’s office after the round to have a chat. The biggest thing on my mind was how my game was. All he could talk about was how well I managed the course and didn’t let my typical frustrations come out in my game that day. He was amazed, and after thinking the round over, so was I!
“I have been able to have a very successful opening to my season, I have never scored this well, and I plan on keeping it up. Every day I go to the golf course, no matter what mood I am in, I know I can go low. I cannot wait for the future! There are big things coming this summer! I am ecstatic about finally reaching my full potential.”
Words Have Wings, so Speak Good Things
“I AM. Two of the most powerful words, for what you put after them shapes your reality.”
ANONYMOUS
NOTICE WHAT YOU say to yourself.
Instead of saying:
•I will not miss this goal.
•I hope I don’t mess up this shift.
•I must not embarrass myself in front of my team.
•I can’t let my team/coach/family/self down.
Repeat in your mind, again and again:
•I’m going to score now.
•I will skate like the wind.
•I am going to make my team/coach/family/self proud.
You get the idea. Fan the flames of your own success and take responsibility for your progress by speaking to yourself in a way that encourages you to do better. Enjoy talking to yourself in a positive way. After all, when others say encouraging things to you, it feels good. Why not speak to yourself in the same way?
Let’s take a look at another great way to upgrade how we can communicate with the mind and get better results.
Have you ever decided on a goal, and then tried and tried to achieve it, but it just never turned out the way you wanted? Many of my players have, too.
The solution to the challenge is to notice the words we are using. When we say we will try to do well in hockey, the word “try” has importance. It tells our mind to be prepared for two outcomes. When we use “try,” we are telling our mind that we are just as likely to fail at the task as we are to succeed. It’s a 50-50 mental energy split. In Star Wars, Yoda hit the nail