We walked up to the front door, Shadow close behind us. We hadn’t even brought a leash. Shauna’s parents weren’t home, but Shauna was, and so was her older brother Jack, who answered the door. He was in high school and listened to really loud music and only wore black. “What?” he said, without smiling.
“Hi Jack,” my mom said, leaning on the doorframe like she needed it there to hold her up. “Me and Cal were just wondering if you and your family were in the market for a dog.”
“What?” he said, and turned away. “Shauna! C’mere! Callie and her mom are here.”
“Jack,” my mom said, and ran her hand down his arm. “I just thought you and Shauna might want a friend for Tubs.” She smiled at him. “Her name is Shadow.” She’s not your dog to give away, I thought angrily. I want her.
Jack blushed, turning red like the pimples that dotted his face, and shrugged. “Dunno, I’d probably have to ask my parents.”
Shauna ran to the door and hugged me. “Shadow!” she said. “How did you get her back? I thought she wasn’t living with you anymore.”
“What’s going on?” Jack said. We all looked at Shadow and her yellow-toothed grin, wagging her tail furiously.
“Nothing!” my mom said. “We just can’t keep her anymore, you know, we’ll be moving to an apartment again soon, and it’s just not fair to keep her cooped up all day. So we thought you guys might want to take her. Free of charge.”
“Uh, I dunno,” Jack said. He leaned in so Shauna couldn’t hear and said in a low voice, “I think they’re kinda waiting for Tubs to kick the bucket.” I heard it, but she didn’t. He stopped whispering. “I don’t think they want another dog. Tubs just shits all over the house and begs under the table.”
My mom nodded, and ruffled Shadow’s fur. “Uh huh,” she said. “Well, just a thought! You sure? She’s pretty great.” She held Shadow’s floppy ears up on either side of her head.
“Yeah… sorry,” Jack said. “You should probably go, though. My parents are gonna be home soon.” Shauna’s parents didn’t like my mom that much.
“I get it,” my mom said, nodding. “We’ll take off. See you soon, Shauna. Good to see you, Jack.” Jack closed the door, hard.
We sat in their driveway for a while. “Well, we have a couple choices,” my mom said.
“We can bring her back to Bruce, and have her live in that shithole. Or we can give her to a place that will find a really good family for her. What do you think?” I wanted to bring her home with us, more than anything. But Bruce’s backyard hadn’t seemed that bad. She’d seemed happy there, even before she’d seen us.
“She can’t come home with us?” I said, real quiet.
My mom sighed like I was stupid. “Where do you think he’s going to look first, Cal?” She turned around to look at me from the front seat. “He doesn’t deserve her,” she said. “We don’t really have a choice.”
“Then I guess we give her to someone else,” I said quietly. I was getting it now. We hadn’t stolen her for me.
“You’re damn right,” she said. I was trying not to cry. We drove for a little while then pulled into the parking lot of the Humane Society. “Give her a kiss before we go inside!” she said. She unclipped Shadow’s collar and shoved it inside the glove compartment. “Remember, we just found her, right? We don’t know her.” I nodded.
“She’s a sweetheart,” she said, as we made our way to the door. “Someone’ll pick her out right away. Cal, I swear we’d keep her if we could.” We walked inside, Shadow trotting along after us. It smelled like pee, and there were whines and howls and barks coming from the back. And my mom just left her there like it was nothing.
Shadow didn’t get it. The woman at the counter had to hold her back when we turned to walk away. “It happens sometimes,” she said, apologizing to us. “They latch on to whoever’s kind enough to bring ’em in.”
Bruce came by late that night. He didn’t even knock, just barged in. He still had keys. “Where’s my fucking dog?” he yelled. My mom was dozing off on the couch. I was in my room. “I let you stay in this house for free and you go and steal my fucking dog. What’s wrong with you? Where is she?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Bruce,” my mom said, in a sleepy voice. “Did something happen?”
“Yeah, my fucking dog disappeared out of my backyard, that’s what!” As Bruce yelled, I heard his footsteps coming closer and closer.
“Don’t you dare wake up my child!” my mom screamed, but she didn’t follow him. My door swung open, and I blinked as he flipped on the light.
“Damn it!” he said, his anger deflating. I guess he was expecting to see Shadow curled up next to me. “Cal, you haven’t seen Shadow, have you?” I was too scared to tell him the truth.
“No,” I said, eyes wide, biting my lip.
He sat down on the side of my bed and started to cry. “I’m sorry, Cal,” he said. “I’m so sorry.” He covered his face in his big hands and wept at the foot of my bed. I didn’t know what to do so I just patted his back for a while. “I’m going crazy,” he said. “I’m sure she just got out, I just had this…” He shook his head. “I’m so sorry I woke you up. Go back to sleep. I’m gonna go drive around the neighborhood and see if I can find her.” I heard him apologize to my mom, and the front door open and close. I closed my eyes but the knot in my stomach was getting bigger and bigger.
My mom tiptoed in and lay down beside me. “We sure got him, didn’t we!” she said. “He’ll never find her.”
“Yeah,” I whispered. There was something about my mom that made me always want to be on her side even when it made me feel guilty. “Yeah, we got him good.”
She drifted off next to me, on top of the covers, and I pretended the warmth of her body beside me was Shadow until I finally fell asleep.
03
I was halfway to school when I decided I didn’t feel like going. I didn’t have to, not really. If I wasn’t in homeroom, someone from the office would call the apartment and leave a voicemail for my mom, who would already be at work. When I got home, I could erase the message before she had a chance to hear it. She wouldn’t care but I didn’t tell her. I didn’t do it often but I’d done it before.
I liked school. I liked the beginning of the year especially, when everything was new. I liked lining up my pencils on the side of the desk next to my plastic sharpener with the clear catchall for the shavings. Having clean, new erasers to turn over and over in my hand, the cursive Pink Pearl logo rubbing off from the warmth of my palm. It was just the people that sometimes I couldn’t be around. The teachers who were nicer to me after the first parent conference. The girls who went to the mall after school. The boys who ran through the halls, slamming shut the open lockers with the palms of their hands. I couldn’t figure out if I wanted to be one of them or be friends with them or if I just wished they didn’t exist. If I didn’t have Shauna to talk to, I didn’t think I’d ever feel like going.
I changed directions and started walking away from school on a side road off of Platt. The sun beat down hard on the part of my shoulders my backpack straps didn’t cover. I could feel them reddening already. I liked getting tan so I never wore sunscreen, but I hated