And because I had read the biographies, which told us more than anyone should know about another human being unless they are their parent, sibling, child, I knew what years were to follow the wedding – descents into madness, violence, depression. Her new husband struggling to cope.
(She was also saner than anyone. The cool intelligence of most of the Diaries. Pages bubbling with happiness.)
Virginia gave a small ‘Oh’ of longing. Old, she reached out, and touched the screen, the space where they were alive and young, illuminated in my machine, the time capsule I took for granted.
They looked so alive, but they were unresponsive, the sepia couple who long ago were totally taken up by their moment.
She pressed the screen and I pulled her back.
‘Will it move?’ she said. ‘Can you make us move?’
‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘It’s not like that. It’s what it is. It can’t be changed.’
‘I wondered … if it could be changed.’
She wasn’t just talking about the image. She knew too well what lay in their future.
I said, as gently as I could, ‘Would you like to look at the other photos?’
Leonard alone. He was forty years older. His long thin face engraved with lines. Those eyes, intelligent, used to sorrow, deep-set under strong grey eyebrows. And the mouth still full, a young man’s mouth – a foreign face, not an English face, that was my instinctive judgement. But that was how Bloomsbury thought of him: ‘Virginia’s marrying the Jew.’ Both a joke and not a joke.
‘Mongoose,’ she said, almost inaudible.
This time I refrained from showing knowledge. What would she have thought if I answered ‘Mandril’? His name for her. His beloved baboon.
I knew too much, we knew too much. Their secret bestiary of names.
‘It’s enough,’ she said, and turned away. ‘Perhaps you would save that page number?’ Her back was rigid, her voice formal.
‘Mrs Woolf, it would be an honour.’ I didn’t correct her idea of the computer. ‘I can find it for you whenever you want.’
‘Please,’ she assented, still turned away.
I went back to my search for a few moments, checking that Goldstein was what we wanted. ‘Goldstein & Sons, Rare Book Dealers. Madison Avenue. Shall we walk?’
18
And so we did, an incongruous couple flashing past the Easter windows; Virginia, though stooped, inches taller than me. To my surprise, after a shaky start, she began to lope two paces ahead, a steady, strong, athletic walker despite her grey hair and unnerving pallor.
I had to half-run to keep up with her, though every so often she would stop dead and stare at something I would never have noticed – I no longer saw the advertisements like acid flowers bursting from the pavements, I didn’t notice the fetish shoes, six inches high with inch-thick platforms; I took the display of wealth for granted. I actually had to pull her away when she shrieked with laughter at two women, obviously well-to-do, walking arm-in-arm against the sunlight, perfectly outlined from loin to ankle, the shapes of their hips, their crotches, their thighs, in skin-tight black leggings and ankle-boots, and above the waist, boxy expensive jackets, ropes of pearls, vast sunglasses and artfully streaked hair falling below their shoulders.
‘They go out without skirts,’ she hooted, happily. ‘What fun to see New York prostitutes! Leonard would laugh.’
‘Virginia, they’re not prostitutes. It’s just the fashion of the day. I agree it’s strange, but they don’t feel naked. Everyone pretends not to notice.’
‘But I could see everything,’ she insisted. ‘Of course they can only be prostitutes.’
‘You’re going to see lots of women like that.’
‘And no-one laughs? No-one says anything?’
‘Not in New York, Virginia.’
She was pounding along like a racehorse once more, but I saw from her furrowed brows that she was thinking. And then she stopped and smiled at me, her head tipped bird-like to one side. ‘It’s Hans Andersen’s story, the one I love.’
And I said, as we started to walk again, past a mirrored building that showed us, large, shivered into two rivers of fragments, as a bird flicked over our reflected heads and blinding sunlight made us blink at each other and think for a second we could be friends: ‘Yes, it’s “The Emperor’s New Clothes”.’
19
GERDA
I do have a lot to tell my mother. Failing that I shall write it down.
My Battle with the Furies,
Part the First
(I have decided to write it like an epic. I have chosen an epic typeface. Just seeing those letters cheers me up. I do need cheering. I am On My Own.)
I know it isn’t good to get into fights. But I also know that you have to be brave. It’s like in that enormous great book, Cat’s Eye, which I liked a lot until it got too long, where the girls start doing mind games on each other.
No-one was ever going to bully ME. My mum taught me that, which I’m grateful for, because my mum was bullied at school.
So I knew I had to stand up for myself. Anyway, why should they call me fat? Ayesha was ugly, but I didn’t complain, and Linda had big pink ears like a monkey, but I had never mentioned it, and Cindy had skinny legs like sticks and I’d seen her breakfast: like, ONE cornflake.
I mentioned it all after they started on ME. But then they got madder, and things got worse.
Cindy, the skinny one I called Anna, which I also told everyone was short for Anna Rexia – (I know that sounds bad, but I never did it till after her friends started calling me ‘Greedier’, which was her ‘witty’ pun on ‘Gerda’) – was not as stupid as the others. I admit she was good at English. In fact she was second best to me, which is one of the reasons why she hated me, and besides, she was jealous because I could eat food, lovely chips and jelly that she just glowered at.
In any case, Cindy is a feeble name. It’s a Princess name, and she’d like to be a Princess, whereas I am trying to be a Hero.
Probably to date I have fallen short.
So this Cindy – ‘Miss Anna Rexia’ – thought she would play a good joke on me. All of a sudden she started being friendly. She came and talked to me in the library (we were the only two who read books in the library, which everyone else probably thought was sad.)
And I was dim, and thought she meant it. And I was too soft, and was nice back, because really, I wanted to be friends with them. In fact, I don’t like quarrelling.
So for a bit, I went around with them, but only because I didn’t have many friends, so I missed my old school, and missed London, and if you want to