“I’m sorry!” Ked wailed. “I didn’t let him out this morning. Please, Dad! Don’t hit him. He bit you because he’s afraid of you!”
Dan felt the anger subside, the fury loosening its grip. He was yelling at his son, for god’s sake. What was wrong with him? “I’m sorry,” he said, suddenly ashamed.
Ked broke into sobs. “Don’t you see everyone’s afraid of you?”
“I’m sorry,” Dan said again quietly, filled with remorse and self-contempt.
Still sobbing, Ked turned to look at his father. “Dad, why do you hate everyone?”
“I don’t, Ked.” Dan shook his head. “I don’t hate everyone.” He knelt and tried to wrap his arms around Ked, who was still clinging to Ralph. Ked wiped his face with the back of his hand. “I don’t hate anyone,” Dan said quietly.
“Then why do you try to hurt everyone?”
Dan pushed the hair off his son’s forehead then reached slowly down to pat Ralph, carefully, so the dog wouldn’t flinch. Ralph’s yellow eyes watched him warily.
“I’m sorry,” Dan said. “I have no excuse for what I just did. None.”
He stood and went to the bathroom and bandaged his hand. He got out the mop and bucket and cleaned up the mess at the front door. When he finished, he returned to the kitchen. Ked lay in the doorway with Ralph, playing with his ears and stroking his fur. Dan came over and crouched, holding out his hand to let the dog sniff the bandage.
“Bill and I broke up last night,” Dan said softly.
Ked looked up. “I’m sorry, Dad.”
Dan shook his head. “Don’t be sorry. It was time.”
“Is that why you were upset?” Ked asked.
“I don’t know.” Dan shook his head. “I just don’t know.” He stared at Ked. “Are you afraid of me?”
Ked sobbed and looked away, sniffling into Ralph’s fur.
“Oh, Ked.” Dan wrapped his son in his arms. “I’m so sorry.”
Dan hugged his son so hard he feared he might hurt the boy. Ralph looked over and licked his hand. Dan squinted away a tear and reached out a hand to pat the furry head.
“Good old Ralphie,” he said.
“It must be hard for you to have to look after me all by yourself,” Ked said through his sniffles.
“No, it’s not hard. Having you for a son is the thing I love most about my life. Sometimes I think it’s the only thing.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
Finally, Ked said, “Okay.”
Withrow Park was a blizzard of leaves wreathing mothers with strollers, dog walkers, and skateboarders in a profusion of energized calm. The yellow on the ground mirrored the leaves above. The annuals were still fringing the edges of the paths in laser colours, despite temperatures that skirted down each night toward some impassable limit. Ked let Ralph off the leash and watched him bound away. He ran right up to the edge of the park before he came to some invisible dog boundary then turned to look back.
“Good boy, Ralph!” Ked called out as Ralph rolled on his back in the grass. “He loves it here,” Ked said.
Dan stood watching for a moment. “Do you remember when we first got him and you wanted to call him Suzie?”
Ked laughed. “Yeah. Poor Ralph.”
“I wondered about you for a while after that.”
Ked was listening to his iPod, his chest looped with wires linking head and body. “Wanna hear something cool?”
He offered the earphones to his father. Dan held them to his ears and heard a thin boyish treble singing against a violin in a cloud of reverb.
“Nice. Who’s this?”
“Owen Pallett. He calls himself Final Fantasy, but he’s mostly just a solo guy who accompanies himself on violin with a feedback loop.”
Dan tried to look impressed.
“He’s gay and he lives in Toronto.…”
Was this Ked’s subtle hint that Dan should track down Owen Pallett and ask him out? Maybe he should let Ked filter his dates from now on. He couldn’t do any worse than he’d done on his own.
“And,” Ked continued, “he gives money to Doctors Without Borders.”
Dan took that in. “That’s cool, I guess. As long as he looks after himself and his loved ones first, of course.”
Ked rolled his eyes. “Can’t you ever just relax, Dad?”
Dan looked surprised. “What do you mean?”
Ked sighed. “Everyone knows you’ve done all the right things for me. So just relax, okay?”
“I can relax,” Dan said.
Ked looked at him skeptically. “Yeah? Then let’s see you.”
Ked took off toward the skating rink where rollerbladers whirled in soft circles and kids played hacky-sack. Dan caught up with him.
“Hey, Dad — that guy just checked out your ass!”
Dan turned. Sure enough, a jock type flushed when he saw Dan looking back. On top of a rise they watched an obese dad playing baseball with his son. The man’s saggy tits jiggled as he tried to keep up with the energetic teenager.
“That’ll be me in a few years,” Dan observed.
“Not if you renew your Y membership!”
Dan smiled. “How’s the book going?”
“Blade Runner?”
“Yeah. Finish it yet?”
“No.” Ked shook his head. “I’m at the part where Jake realizes he lives in a city full of androids. Even some of the other bounty hunters are androids, only they don’t know it. Almost all the real people have left Earth because of the nuclear fallout, so only the freaks and androids remain. Even the pets are robots, because no one can afford a real one.”
They watched Ralph run past them and stop to wait for them to catch up.
“Sounds more and more like the real future,” Dan said, wondering if he should be contributing to Ked’s cynicism.
Ked’s eyes were alight. “What if they just keep replacing everybody till there’s nobody real left on Earth?”
“Who would notice?” Dan said.
“Exactly!” Ked said. “That’d be so cool! These androids could be living among us right now. Nothing real any more. They can even pre-set their emotions!”
“That’s called Prozac,” Dan said, then felt bad again.
“But what I don’t get,” Ked said, “is that it’s not just good moods. Sometimes they pre-set depression and despair. If you can choose your mood, why would you choose a bad one?”
The city opened before them, the towers of the financial district stern and upright. The CN Tower dominated the horizon, venerating the twin altars of media and finance. Sleepy green boroughs spread outward, filled with thousands of houses. Dan wondered about the personal arrangements, the tentative lives each contained. He’d never felt at home here. How had he ever thought he could belong in this city of giants, let alone thrive and prosper? Though on some level he’d done just that.
“Just a guess,” he said. “But maybe what they want is to experience the whole range of emotions.”
Ked