“I think I’m having a heart attack,” she politely informed the receptionist.
She spent about a week in the hospital and then came home to recover. I’m not even sure my father informed me of the details; in those days, a woman’s heart attack didn’t have the drama of a masculine cardiac event. Years later, I wondered if it might not have been an episode of depression, or a bit of both; it hadn’t been a good year for my mother. My 20-year-old sister had just married, had a baby, and moved to Toronto, out from under her wing. My brother’s first marriage was rocky. The whole family was unravelling, and now I was heading off too, on some cockamamie trip with boyfriend C,or D,when I should be signing up for teachers’ college.
None of the usual dips and zero-fat snacks awaited me in the kitchen. I made a pot of tea and gave them both a spirited pitch about the value and legitimacy of this new adventure of mine. Tom and I would be part of a group, a National Geographic expedition, I pointed out. (Briefly. We decided to fly over the impenetrable Darien Gap and make our own way down through South America.) I would learn Spanish (the words for “inner tube” and “severe diarrhea”). Using my mother’s old sewing machine, I had already made some flare-orange bike panniers from a mail-order kit. And look, I said, we cut up our map and glued it to a big piece of cloth, so it can be folded and refolded without ripping.
They glanced at the huge map, with our route inked in black, and said nothing. To my prairie-raised parents, South America was unimaginable, a lawless continent of anacondas and piranhas. (We did in fact encounter a very, very, very long anaconda, the diameter of a telephone pole, sunbathing on a culvert under a bridge. Parents are not always wrong.)
But I wasn’t ready to think about my mother as being frail or needing my care. And was it my fault that all three of her kids were not thriving in the ways she had hoped they would? As for being in shape for pedalling through the Andes, that didn’t concern me. I had already cut down to one cigarette a day.
“I better go or I’ll miss my train,” I said, as I stood at the front door with my backpack on, trying not to bump into the door chimes. My mother didn’t get up. I leaned over to kiss her, but she seemed to want the moment to pass quickly, so I let it.
“I’ll stay in touch and phone at Christmas,” I promised. “I can always fly back, you know.” She swung back to the window. My father jingled the change in his trouser pocket, a sign that he was agitated. He clamped a hand on my shoulder.
“You be careful down there,” he said gruffly, full of love.
Back in Santa Margarita, I write postcards while Bob and Kathy water the pots of geraniums in the courtyard, bowing again and again, like monks. The little swimming pool has been filled but it’s still too cold to use. I’m considering a quick trip into Alte to buy a bottle of wine and to use the phone kiosk there. It’s red, and right in the middle of the main square, like a religious shrine. My outings on this holiday, I realize, are mostly communication-related.
But I know Brian won’t be waiting to hear from me. He’s probably relieved to have his hand-wringing wife off the grid for a while. At a certain point anxiety becomes more about the anxious one than the object of worry. I know it’s only normal for a mother to fret about a young son on the road but I suspect that Casey’s going away has also stirred ancient fears in me, of loss and desertion. I can’t stop imagining all the terrible things that could happen to the people I love. But then my father was a catastrophizer too.
I remember sitting in the sofa-sized back seat of the Buick when I was young, with my father at the wheel, his big square hands at the ten and two o’clock position. He was driving up the main street, under a yellow traffic light suspended over the road. It swayed slightly in the wind.
“That sort of thing shouldn’t be allowed,”my father muttered. “It could come crashing down and kill someone.” He loved the words “bashing” and “crashing” and used them often,with relish. The weather worried him too,which was not surprising for someone who grew up under unpredictable prairie skies and had lost his own father to TB at the age of 12. He’d stand at the window, twitching the protective curtains (two layers, nylon sheers under heavy pleated drapes, on tracks).
“Look at those clouds,” he’d say darkly. “Boy, we’re in for it now.”
My father was both a worrier and an engineer, which might explain why he became such a consummate fixer of things, a saver, and a planner. What a provider—quaint word!—he was. He would meticulously chart the vicissitudes of the stock market on hand-drawn coloured graphs, copy, laminate, and bind the pages, then present them to his three children. We would thank him and stick the envelopes in a bottom drawer. Money didn’t interest us.
I walk down into the village, where there isn’t a soul in the streets. Is it Sunday? What the hell do they do behind those fringed plastic curtains? I pass the sunny patio of a café, where six or seven grizzled men in dark fedoras sit at tables with glasses of aguardiente, arguing. It sounds as if they are about to rip each other apart, but it’s just an animated conversation. No women in the bars. They stay inside. In their kerchiefs and hats, covered in black from top to toe, they could be wearing hijab. It’s a perfect place for a middle-aged woman to feel comfortably invisible.
The café overlooks a broad, lush valley covered in orange groves. Fresh from the sparrow greys of Toronto in March, the oranges look unnatural to me, almost digital. Someone has Photoshopped them in.
The walk back to my street of the two horses is steep, and on the way I glimpse secretive, alluring lanes that curve up, crest, and then disappear out of sight. Everything here seems to happen offstage. The donkey I never see begins to bray, a sound like a strangled sob. It is a hillier version of the landscape I remember from my months with Chris, in Alportel; I take out my maps and see that it’s not so far away, to my old haunts. But it feels too soon to go there.
When I get online the next morning, I check the Canadian Embassy website again. I see that new warnings have been posted about bandits and growing political unrest in Guatemala. “Visitors are advised to stay on the main highways and travel during daylight.”
I email Casey, in pleading caps:
MI HIJO, IT IS FOOLISH TO BICYCLE ALONE IN THOSE MOUNTAINS RIGHT NOW. TRUST ME, I KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT HERE . . .
Then I log off and force myself to go hiking through the countryside, along the footpaths that once joined the villages. German tourists like to come to this area to “tramp,” and so I follow an insanely detailed German walking guide. You will reach a discarded washing machine beside a wall of bougainvillea; turn left and go 235 metres to a pile of red rocks . . .
Total physical exhaustion, I find, is helpful. I eat a large plate of grilled sardines and hundreds of green peas then fall into a stupor on my puffy bed. The following day,my very best girlfriend at the Alte hotel smiles and waves me toward the computer,where a fresh email is waiting. Casey has now bought the bike and the touring gear, he reports, and has set off on his trip.
. . . I biked my first day in the direction of Mexico out of Panajachel (they call it gringo town). This happened to be up a mountain that is the rim of the former crater. I wanted to cry, and puke and die. It was a bad first day, accompanied by increasing stomach problems. Around noon, I took a siesta under a tree.
He went on to describe a lone farmer who came along, commiserated with him, and made him an offer; for a few quetzals, he would pray for Casey.
I didn’t have small change, and I didn’t really want him to pray for me (although it may have helped, in retrospect).
The next day, he was too sick to ride. A pastor in a truck eventually stopped by the side of the road to give him and his bike a lift. Once he had recovered, there was a beautiful three-hour downhill ride from San Marcos, he wrote. Then came the gratifying part:
Biking alone in the mountains of Guatemala was great, but way too hard! Do not try to bike out of Lake Atitlan. It is stupid. The border town of Tapachula is really damn hot too. I felt like my body was