Stan and I decided on rum and Coke.
“Tea for you, Edwina?”
“I might as well have one too.”
When we had settled down, I noticed that Stan had a small, brown bag in his lap.
I smiled at Edwina. The smile I always used when I got caught with my fingers in the icing bowl. It didn’t work as well as it used to.
“Well, the family has noted that we have not heard much from you lately,” Edwina said.
“You saw me at dinner the other night. Anyway, I’ve been quite busy.”
“I imagine, since you haven’t called back and I’ve left messages.”
“I figured you just wanted to give me hell over Alexa’s date.”
“I do want to give you hell over Alexa’s date, and please do not think you can escape merely by not calling me. And may I add, it has been observed by more than one of us, you always have time to call when you need something.”
“Well, yes,” I said, “that’s what families are for.”
Edwina opened her mouth and shut it again. I thought I could detect a fizzling sound coming from her.
She tried again. “We were informed today that your employee, Albert, was attacked while you were harassing certain individuals around town.”
“Alvin,” I said.
“Not important,” said Edwin. “Is it true?”
I glanced at Stan, but he seemed hypnotized by the cats.
“Who told you?”
“It doesn’t matter who told me. Is it true?”
I knew why they’d selected Edwina to set me straight. She’s the only one with the correct configuration of personality traits to have made a career as a Mother Superior.
“I suppose McCracken told Alexa. What a worm.”
“The point is, whatever you call him was attacked, and it could have been you, and we are very concerned. That’s the point.”
“Here, kitty kitty,” said Stan.
“Alexa is distraught. That nice policeman had to stay with her to calm her down.”
“I’ve never heard it called that before.”
“Be serious.”
“I’ve been a lot of things, Edwina, but I think this is the only time I’ve ever been convenient for anyone.”
Edwina’s upper lip twitched.
“Pssss, pssss, pssss,” said Stan, clutching his brown paper bag.
“All right,” said Edwina, “I’ll grant you that Alexa enjoyed being comforted by Sgt. McCracken. But even so, she was worried and so am I and so is Donalda and so is…” she looked over at Stan.
Stan was bending forward, grinning at the cats, some of whom were beginning to move toward him.
“…and so is the rest of the family. Except for Daddy. No one has told him. If you would like it to stay that way, stop this Nancy Drew nonsense.”
My father. What a nasty threat. Everyone knew my father is the one person I can’t stand up to.
Edwina leaned forward and lowered her voice. “We are terribly worried about you. Two people have been viciously, violently murdered. You have been hit on the head. Alphonse has been hit on the head. You live by yourself in this isolated, vulnerable apartment…”
“I’m not alone. I’ve got Mrs. Parnell. And the cats.”
I looked over to where the four cats were now very close to Stan.
“And that reminds me…”
“It reminds me, too, that your apartment was broken into and one of the cats was killed.”
“That’s just it. Do you have any idea of how to…”
The sound of a large dog, snarling and growling, cut through the air. Edwina and I jumped. The cats leaped and spun, their fur on full alert, claws out. They vanished as the growls turned to serious, loud barking. I held my chest, heart banging, head thumping.
“For God’s sake, Stan, this is hardly the time for your stupid jokes.”
It’s not like Edwina to give Stan hell, and he had the grace to blush.
I picked up the tiny toy dog with the powerful bark from the floor and removed the batteries. I dropped the batteries into my pocket and tossed the stupid mutt through the door of my bedroom with full force.
“It’s okay, you can come back now,” I called to the cats. “As I was saying, Edwina, do you remember what Deb Goodhouse was like as a girl?”
“Why on earth do you want to know that? Don’t you have more important things to think about?”
“Indulge me.”
Edwina narrowed her eyes. She seemed to feel I was up to something.
“It’s hard to remember. She was kind of self-conscious.
Worried about how people looked at her. She always had to shine at something, like Debating Society or Drama Club or some damn thing. She wasn’t pretty and she wasn’t popular, and she didn’t have any decent clothes. I don’t remember her ever having a boyfriend.”
This didn’t sound too bad. I’d been pretty much the same, except for the self-conscious and worried part.
“How come she hung out at our place? All of you were always popular.”
Edwina shrugged. “I don’t know. I think Alexa felt sorry for her. And she always wanted to be around us. It used to irritate me from time to time, but Alexa and Donalda always stuck up for her. Why don’t you ask them?”
“Yes, well…”
“And please don’t think that this inquiry will distract me from the main purpose of this visit. You are to stop all your ridiculous and dangerous attempts at detecting.” She got to her feet with great dignity, marred only slightly by the clumps of cat hair stuck to her rear end.
I smiled.
“Come along, Stan,” she said, “and forget about that silly toy.”
“But, Edwina…” he said We both knew he was out of luck.
Even after they left, no cats appeared, suffering no doubt from a crisis of confidence in the management of their current hotel. It was fine with me, I had things to do. I was whistling as I picked up the phone.
Twenty
Sunday morning I woke up early, my breathing laboured because of a great weight on my chest. The cats had chosen to forgive and forget. The black and white one apparently found me quite comfortable. All four of them were miffed when I had the nerve to get out of bed.
I bumped around the kitchen, yawning and fumbling. Cat food into the dishes, coffee into the coffee maker. Fragments of the night’s dreams clogged my head and zoomed forward now and then, causing me to gasp. Robin and Alvin and Deb Goodhouse had filled those dreams, had been dead in them.
I was glad when the coffee was ready. I took a couple of sips and went to phone Alvin at home.
“Wha’?” he asked after a considerable amount of banging with the receiver. “Whoosis?”
“It’s Camilla, merely checking on your well-being. I’m glad to see you survived the night. Well, good-bye now.”
“I’m claiming overtime for this.” He managed to slam down the phone before I did.