The commitment to become a nun demanded of the postulant, first of all, the surrender of her own will to the Holy Rule by which the order was governed, and to the direction of the Mother General and the Novice Mistress who were responsible for her training. In practical terms this meant that in every aspect of each day’s activities she should “faithfully and joyfully fulfil the orders of their Superior, seeing God alone in her person and His Will in her commands.”35
Catherine found the atmosphere of the novitiate more austere and strict than she had expected. Postulants were admonished if they did not fulfil with careful attention the minutiae of the Holy Rule. She blamed the severity of the discipline on the new Mother General, Mother Victoria, who she felt was more punctilious than Mother Alberta. It was more likely the demands imposed by the ancient rules and customs of the order, rather than particular personalities, which determined the prevailing atmosphere of the novitiate. The reasons for the myriad of regulations and customs which governed every aspect of the postulants’ lives were not explained, nor were queries on their origin and purpose welcomed. As the Holy Rules of all religious orders stipulated that postulants and novices be kept strictly segregated from the professed sisters, Catherine had no opportunity to contact Sister Justina (who was now teaching in St. Catharines) for advice or comfort. The candidates were expected to accept their daily routines as given, without expressing any doubt or question as to their effectiveness. At that stage of their formation as nuns, they were being tested for their physical and spiritual endurance, their patience, and their willingness to accept criticism about minute details of their behaviour. These were all qualities which they would need to cultivate if they were going to survive in the conditions they would encounter from time to time as professed sisters. They would then be full members of a working community in which perfection of their lives was their goal, and abnegation of self in the performance of their assigned tasks was the means of achieving it.
During this time Catherine did become very fond of her Novice Mistress, Sister Avila, who came from Everett, just north of Alliston. She described her as “a brilliant, sweet character, very frail — my good friend for the rest of her life.”36 She was, as their constitutions instructed, a person who possessed “great prudence and charity; she should be serious, yet affable, and firm without ceasing to be gentle.”37
In all her descriptions of her experience as a postulant in the St. Joseph’s novitiate, Catherine admitted that she was, from the beginning, very open in expressing her own vocational expectations, which she announced would be “teaching in the public schools of the rural west,” and she “couldn’t be satisfied with any other destination.”38 Mother General Victoria chastized her for having predetermined her future service, and stated emphatically that “You will go just where you are sent.”39 This rebuke did not stop Catherine’s protests about the Church’s neglect of the rural West — also a serious breach of the Rule. She did adjust, however, to the daily routine; Sister Avila did not find her lacking in humility or diligence in the performance of her spiritual or work assignments, but it was clear to her superiors that she was bored and worried. She realized there were now no plans to open a Vancouver novitiate, and that the whole mind-set of the order was against the principle of allowing their sisters to be in direct contact with the public school system.
Two months before the postulancy was completed, the candidates were scheduled to be measured for their religious habits. They would put these on at the end of the colourful ceremony which marked the postulant’s official reception as a novice of the order. Each women’s religious order had it own distinctive style of habit, and great care was taken to make them all identical in every detail according to the regulations set out in their constitutions. The “holy habit” of the St. Joseph’s Order was of plain black material, with sleeves twelve inches wide which extended to the end of the hand; its softly pleated skirt was two yards wide and did “not quite touch the ground.” The head-dress consisted of six parts: a black veil which extended six inches below the elbow; an underveil of the same material; a white cornet (bonnet) which extended under the chin; a white band across the forehead; and a white guimpe (a very deep broad linen collar) “which shall cover the breast.”40 The measuring procedure was usually a source of joyous expectancy for the postulants, for now they only awaited official approval of their acceptance as novices by the Mother General and the Council. Yet as the time approached, Catherine did not conceal her dislike of the garb; she thought that it was unsuitable for work in isolated districts where roads were often dusty tracks, and where the poor immigrants were barely eking out a living from the land.
Instead of being measured, Catherine was called before Mother Victoria and told that she would not be accepted into the order, and that she should prepare to leave immediately. No explanation was given for the decision which, as the Holy Rule stipulated, had been made by the Mother General after conferring with her councillors and the Mistress of Novices. Catherine was shocked. She had gone into the order with some misgivings, but never for a moment during the past four months had she doubted her vocation. She asked if the decision could be reconsidered but was told it was final. She then asked if she could delay leaving for a day or so until she could make plans, for now she had nowhere to go. Permission was granted, and she fled back to her room where she lay inert in bed, unable to plan her next move. “That night a dear little postulant (afterwards Sister St. Edwin)… came to my room, lay on the floor and wept hysterically — then left and I was alone to take my few belongings and move into the great unknown.”41 Many years later Catherine rationalized her rejection by stating that from the beginning she had been uncomfortable about entering the order, and not too hopeful of persuading them to alter their centuries-old traditions. “In the Novitiate I was never happy. There seemed to me, always, something inconsistent about my being there … Mother Victoria rejected me, Thank God.”42
In another document, however, her real feelings at the moment of rejection were candidly revealed. “Never shall I forget the feeling of being utterly without sympathy or understanding from Catholics! I felt scorned, despised and terribly alone!”43 Where and to whom could she turn now? If she were not acceptable to the Community of St. Joseph, which had been recommended by two priests who knew her well and whom she trusted, did that mean that she was deluding herself that she had a vocation to be a nun? It was in this mood that she phoned the one person to whom in her desolation she could feel close, her old friend Irene MacDonnell, with whom she had boarded when she was teaching in Galt in 1906, and with whom she had maintained a firm friendship ever since. The family had moved to 36 Park Road in Toronto. When Catherine phoned to say that she was leaving the convent, no questions were asked; she heard only the welcoming words, “Come right here.” Her leave-taking from the convent in November 1920 remained vividly etched in her mind.
There was a lane to the street and a regular street car would take me to Park Road — no one to come with me to the street car, no one to say Good-Bye — but at Park Road the most beautiful love and kindness awaiting. God surely provides! It strengthens my Faith yet, to think of it … On that street car moving towards that loving, intelligent, family of Baptist Christians I repeated over and over —
God around me, God above me,
God to guide me, God to love me.
Darling, beautifully-cultured, sweetly-Christian, Mother Irene MacDonnell was at the door. “Come and stay as long as you like.” Ruth, Achsah, and Mr. and Mrs. MacDonnell had a home saturated with