Clearing Inner Pollution
I have a friend, Catherine, who went to therapy with her husband, James, because he was ready to leave her. She was putting a lot of pressure on him to earn more and think bigger in his career. Catherine’s nitpicking and judgment had swelled to a point where her husband would do anything to have some peace. It led them to the therapist’s office, where Catherine uncovered that she pressured her husband so much because, coming from an extremely achievement-driven, hardworking family, she always did the same to herself. Failure, or “coasting,” was not considered acceptable. She was a high-achieving woman (she worked at Google), and she never let herself off the hook for any mistake. Her husband’s easygoing ways offended her long-held — and ultimately, unhealthy — belief that you can’t be content without constant perfection and relentless hustle. And when she realized this through professional help, she backed off.
Eckhart Tolle says, “As within, so without: If humans clear inner pollution, then they will also cease to create outer pollution.” In the case of Catherine and her husband, the problem wasn’t his paycheck. It was her fixed thinking.
When you have the polluted belief that other people and their approval create your steadiness, you’ll always be sitting in a rocky boat. Because there’s nothing more unpredictable (and often irrational) than other people’s thoughts. Like Catherine seeing James through her high-intensity filter, everyone sees the world and the people in it through their unique filters. For instance, a pageant mom who had been a pageant kid herself might have a filter that makes her see her children’s value as being tied to their physical beauty. A musician might prioritize self-expression over structure. It’s dizzying to think of trying to peer through more than one filter at a time, and ultimately, we can only see the world through our own.
Not long after her breakthrough in therapy, Catherine said to me, “Accepting James where he is...well...it just feels good.” It felt right to her because she loves him and wants to be with him. She doesn’t want to pressure him, but the belief system she had before getting help made her think she had to. So that’s how you know: You don’t consult your parents. Or the best friend you might have outgrown. Or filters out there on a million phone and computer screens. You consult your inner cosmic computer (a good coach or therapist can help you fine-tune it when needed, for sure). Your own inner guide is really the only reliable intelligence there is. And it knows the next right move for you.
DIRECT MESSAGE
No one knows everything. No one can 100 percent accurately predict the future — even the next twenty-four hours of it. We’re all just doing our best, and when we base our actions on our inner intelligence, we are far more likely to be satisfied with our decisions in the long and short term. Because you’re not a plastic bag, drifting through the turbulent winds of other people’s approval, powerless. You’re an adult with decisions to make about how you’re going to spend your life.
The calm confidence you appear to have when you just “do you” in your own quiet way, in the corner of the world that you touch, is sexy as heck, too. People flock to people who seem to know exactly what they’re doing, simply because they follow their inner guidance. Being relaxed makes you popular. The irony, eh?
Check this:
Spending too much time focused on others’ strengths leaves us feeling weak.
Focusing on our own strengths is what, in fact, makes us strong.
SIMON SINEK
In childhood, you may have wanted to be Mom’s favorite. Or at school, maybe you craved being the teacher’s pet. Or maybe you went a different route and got the attention of the “cool kids” by being the class clown. And these days, it’s nice when the boss loves you — or when your whole team admires you and thinks you’re the cool boss, right? And now, as we’ve talked about, since we’re on social media twenty-four-freakin’-seven, we count each and every one of those likes as if they’re absolute sustenance. It’s like we’ve come full circle, back to infancy. We’re suckling at the teat of our devices! No wonder we’re more stressed-out than ever, and no wonder antidepressants are prescribed at least four times more than they were twenty years ago.
While I absolutely recognize that depression is a real medical condition and that mental and emotional health are part of overall health, I also doubt that this massive upswing in antidepressant sales can be entirely chalked up to previously undiagnosed mental health issues. I think we’re creating a culture that’s making us sad.
And it’s not our fault. Well, to a point.
I can guarantee you something right now. In some area of your life, you’re grossly overestimating somebody else. You think this hero of yours has something really special, that they were born with something you weren’t blessed with. That they have the Midas touch and that all you can do is watch as they overtake you or keep killing it out there — because hey, there’s the proof! Right? Look at Instagram pics of them wearing that perfect boho-chic outfit in Lisbon! Or their fancy new job title you just saw via a LinkedIn alert! Or their flawless dinner party conversation (more on that later — I’ll even help you dodge questions about family, like I always used to because of my unusual history). And why are they always on the up and up (and how are they always flying first-class, right)?
Here’s something to chew on. These things are within you, too. That’s why you admire them. They’re probably just in hiding. That’s why you notice them in someone else in the first place. Think about it:
Are you jealous that a teenage girl sailed solo around the world?
Are you feeling upset that your super meditative friend went on a twenty-one-day silent retreat? (No, thanks)!
Or that she stays on a raw-vegan, macrobiotic, alcohol-free diet for six months at a time? Hmm.
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