If you’re an anger-first person like John, ask yourself, “What else am I feeling besides anger?” “What do I really want?” “What am I missing?” Maybe you’re angry because you feel someone isn’t listening to you, or because you feel excluded by your friends, or because you feel misunderstood by your boss. What you’re missing is feeling validated and respected. What you want is to be included and acknowledged. You’re feeling sadness as well as anger. Recognizing that will help you cope.
ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS
Many people cope with their feelings of sadness, anxiety, and depression by using alcohol, drugs, or food. I’m an emotional eater, so I know exactly how, in the short term, these strategies can help us calm ourselves and ease painful and uncomfortable feelings. But over the longer term, these coping styles may negatively affect our relationships and health. If you’re game to give other approaches a try, we’re here to help.
Next time you want to pour a drink, open a bag of cookies, or light a joint, ask yourself what’s going on right now. Did you just get off the phone with your judgy mother? Did you hear a song that reminded you of someone who isn’t in your life anymore? Are you T minus two hours to leaving for a big party? Once you’ve put your finger on the interpersonal trigger for your desire to self-medicate, ask yourself how you’re feeling. Are you angry? Sad? Afraid? Is there another way you could handle that feeling? Is there someone supportive you could talk to?
It won’t be easy to substitute other coping strategies for self-medication, but stick with it. Over the next few weeks you’ll be learning and practicing skills that will help you feel better — without the bag of chips.
Feelings, Behavior, and Relationships
Working through feelings is a lot like sorting through the stuff you’ve stored in a messy basement. Every item has a story. Every item had value for you at some point. Some items are recent. Some are very old. Some aren’t even yours. It’s hard work figuring out what to keep and what to sell, give away, or toss in the trash. It’s a pain following through on the plan. The whole experience can even be a little embarrassing, depending on what you’re storing down there. But when it’s all done, it feels darn good.
When I was younger, everything made me cry. I cried on the golf course, on the couch, in bed, in the car, at work. I cried when my husband didn’t hit the tennis ball near me, so I had to run to return it. I cried in my bowl of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, because I thought I was a terrible wife who didn’t know how to cook. I cried when my friend didn’t call me. I cried when she did call me and said something that hurt my feelings. When I was angry, I cried. When I was sad, I cried. When I was afraid, I cried. When something unexpected happened, I cried. I even cried tears of joy.
It took me a long time, with a lot of help from my husband, to learn how to name my feelings, talk about them, and express them in a way that wasn’t uncontrolled weeping. I needed to develop the skills to regulate my emotions — to bring down their intensity without denying or suppressing them.
Feelings are only a problem if they negatively impact you or your important relationships. My constant crying was hard for my husband, who wasn’t sure how to interpret the tears or offer support. It was also hard on me when I wanted to have a constructive conversation. If you’re constantly angry, it may make it difficult for you to keep a job. It may put stress on your marriage. And you may develop high blood pressure. If you keep all your emotions inside, your stoicism might make it hard for you to open up to people and ask for (or accept) help. It may also create conflict with your partner, if he or she needs and expects emotional connection.
TRY THIS: Your feelings are never “wrong” or “bad,” but learning to express them differently can improve your relationships and your health.
If your relationships are full of conflict, stress, disappointment, and sadness, you may want to find ways to manage your feelings differently, so you can maintain a job, a marriage, relationships with family and friends, and your health. Either that, or you can find new friends, a new partner, and a new job. (Sadly, we only get one body, although parts of us do get replaced as we age!)
What’s Your Interpersonal Style?
People usually have well-established ways of interacting with others that impact their relationships. These relationships result in feelings. These feelings influence mood.
We call these go-to ways of interacting with others an “interpersonal style.” Each style has short-term and long-term costs and benefits for us. Sometimes we’ll apply the same style to pretty much all of our relationships. Other times we pick and choose, depending on the situation. We might be quiet and deferent at work, but loud and angry with our kids. Or we always want to be right with our spouse, but don’t engage in direct conflict with our friends.
The first step to seeing if your interpersonal style is helping or hindering your mood is to identify which of the three types is your dominant style:
PASSIVE STYLE
I say yes when I don’t really want to.
I don’t want to disappoint others.
I’m worried about being rejected if I say what I really feel.
People take advantage of me.
Short-term gain: You don’t have to worry about disappointing people and being rejected.
Long-term pain: Your own needs don’t get met, which leads to resentment, sadness, frustration, anger, and possibly depression.
AGGRESSIVE STYLE
I like to be right.
I enjoy being in control.
I interrupt and talk over others.
I like to have the last word.
Short-term gain: You win the battle — with the accompanying adrenaline rush and feeling of power. You rarely feel ignored or vulnerable.
Long-term pain: You lose the war. People distance themselves from you, or they let you dominate them, which results in one-sided relationships. Isolation and conflict may lead to feelings of sadness, loneliness, and symptoms of depression.
ASSERTIVE STYLE
I care about others’ feelings, but not more than my own.
I don’t like conflict, but I know sometimes it’s necessary.
What others think of me matters, but not so much that I’d do something I don’t want to.
I will listen to the other person’s side as long as they will listen to mine.
I realize that I won’t always get my way.
I’ll risk disappointing people to ask for what I want or need.
Short-term pain: Not knowing how others will respond to your direct expression of needs, values, or expectations can feel scary.
Long-term gain: People respect you because you respect both them and yourself, and they want to maintain a relationship with you. You get your key needs met, but not in a way that alienates or hurts others.
THE BOY IN THE CORNER
Ron here. Sometimes an aggressive style comes in disguise, and in the case of a teenage boy I was counseling the disguise was black baggy pants, a black hoodie, and a baseball cap pulled right down over his eyes.
The boy never said a word in our early sessions together, just slouched in a chair in the corner of my office. Eventually I figured out the benefits of his passive-aggressive interpersonal style. In the short term, he avoided conflict and could completely control the situation. But long-term, this style was responsible for his social isolation and the anger of his parents and teachers. It also meant he had to come to therapy every week and sit — in silence — with me.
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