Love Punch
Love Punch
& Other Collected Columns
Rob Hiaasen
Collected by Maria Hiaasen
Foreword by Kevin Cowherd
Copyright © 2019 by Maria Hiaasen
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission from the publisher (except by reviewers who may quote brief passages).
First Edition
Casebound ISBN: 978-1-62720-222-0
Paperback ISBN: 978-1-62720-223-7
Ebook ISBN: 978-1-62720-224-4
Printed in the United States of America
Designed by Carmen Machalek
Published by Apprentice House Press
Apprentice House Press
Loyola University Maryland
4501 N. Charles Street
Baltimore, MD 21210
410.617.5265 • 410.617.2198 (fax)
www.ApprenticeHouse.com
Contents
FOREWORD xi
[1] Newsies 1
Don’t pass (expletive deleted) notes 2
Sine Die Another Day 4
Behind closed doors 6
My brain on pot 8
How to enjoy your shutdown 10
My, what powerful average-sized hands you have 12
Politics and cats don’t mix 14
[2] It’s That Time of Year 17
Dispatches from the dawn of 2015 18
Talking about the Sunday scaries on Mother’s Day 21
‘Momisms’—The A List 23
First Person: The Old Man and the Sea 24
For all the boys who wouldn’t grow up 26
A belated Father’s Day card 28
Music Fact: The 70s sounded better than the 80s 30
The bloody curtain rises on 10 great Halloween movies 32
American horror story 34
The Twelve Days of Christmas (Reconsidered) 36
Dear Santa. I want stuff. Thank you. 39
It’s the most wonderful time of the year 41
One smokin’ hot Christmas 44
A symbol up in flames 46
Lost money found after holiday plea 48
[3] Of Boys and Men 51
Were you talking to yourself again? 52
First Person: For my first trick, a hobby 54
When the water hits the fan 56
And darkness fell upon us 58
The book of us 60
Talking about a dream job at the University of Maryland 62
Over a barrel 64
Cooking up some men-o-pause 66
Spring and a man’s fancy turns to bikini briefs 69
Cutting off the news 71
The Great Escape: Pop-Tarts to go 73
How to professionally fantasize about football 76
Super Bowl XLVIII: ATTACK OF THE GIANT ROMAN NUMERALS!!! 78
Daddy, what’s a Redskin? 80
Personal fowl 83
No, he isn’t a safety for the Patriots 85
In praise of Turkey Bowls everywhere 87
[4] 20th-Century Man Wrestles with 21st Century Trends 89
Confessions of a 20th century man 90
Let’s talk, Alexa 92
First Person: Mugging for the camera 95
Howard Stern seduced my mother 97
The Love Doctor is in 99
Writing off the SAT 101
[5] Farewells 103
First Person: What I did on my spring vacation 104
Greetings from the Sunshine State (or How I learned
to love the Russians) 106
Safe Landing: An Update 109
The end of an unsentimental journey 110
From one Florida Boy to another—R.I.P. Tom Petty 112
Sleeping with the lights on 114
[6] School Days 117
A report on kindergarten (1995, 2014) 118
The second goodbye 120
Love punch 122
The school of hard firsts 124
The Russians are coming (plus: Rusty’s Escape!) 126
Middle school dance 128
[7] Memories From the Sunshine State 131
First Person: Yes, but does Maryland have mermaids? 132
Growing up means understanding hate in
Dixie and the Sunshine State 134
Locking up a fast piece of your past 137
When prom backfires 139
On this date in history 141
Paul is still not dead 143
Memories of working as an extra on the
less-than-classic ‘Jaws 3-D’ 146
First Person: My own personal Roswell 149
[8] Call of the Wild 153
Osprey Cam Update: Audrey preens; Tom still a no-show 154
A mammal only a mother (and father) mammal could love 157
Quick! Spray that bat house!!! 159
Enemies at the gate—deck, porch, soul 161
[9] It’s Actually About Me 163
Standing tall and hating gray 164
When the moon is in the seventh—or second—house 167
Dating is still too much pressure and heartache 169
Speaking of dachshund underwear 172
Trash talking: Tales from the pit 174
The jealous kind 176
My resolutions (a.k.a. goals) for 2014 178
The Short List: In praise of pleasure 180
Taking a strange, unexpected and personal walk
through our newspaper 182
Oh, what a beautiful morning 185
Little