Each time Johnston went back to smoking, he and his partner didn’t discuss the disappointment they both clearly felt. It hung there for a while, but Johnston saw that his fears were overblown. “Letting someone down isn’t the worst thing in the world,” says Johnston, who failed more times than he can count before quitting for good at age 50.
In their disappointment, your loved ones also will be reminded that you are human and, as such, fail at times. You weren’t trying to hurt them. You were trying to do just the opposite: break one of the most powerful addictions around. Disappointing people is part of life, of being a parent, a boss, a friend. We’ve all let down loved ones, as they have let us down at times, and we’ve all survived.
Rather than hide a failure (which won’t work!) or slink away in shame, take the opportunity to reach out for support. Ask your family and friends for their help and their patience. Acknowledge that you’ve disappointed them, but don’t dwell on the disappointment. Explain what you’re going through, and emphasize how strong your addiction is. Use the strategies in Chapter 10, Enlisting Support from Family, Friends, and Coworkers, to take advantage of the help they can offer.
Fear: Without cigarettes, I’ll fall apart under stress
Here’s a fact many smokers are reluctant to believe: Smoking creates stress rather than relieves it.
If that’s true, why do you feel instant relief when you light up? Why is smoking your first thought when you fight with your spouse or open a bill you can’t pay? Because when you smoke, nicotine makes a lightning-quick trip to your brain, triggering a flood of dopamine. (We explain this process in Chapter 1, Why Quitting Can Be So Hard.) While it may feel like the cigarette is soothing your emotional distress, it’s actually just easing the symptoms of withdrawal from the nicotine of your last cigarette. Shortly after each cigarette, your nicotine level starts plummeting, and you start to feel edgy — with or without life’s stresses. In short, smoking triggers mood swings that you otherwise wouldn’t experience. That’s not exactly the definition of “stress relief”!
What’s more, nicotine raises your heart rate and blood pressure, placing physical stress on your body. Plus, smoking breaks make you less productive at work, and the cost of cigarettes — $200 or more a month for a pack-a-day habit — can create financial strains.
Meanwhile, maintaining a smoking habit creates constant small anxieties. Will I run out of cigarettes? Where will I be able to smoke? Do my clothes smell like smoke? For one day, jot down every worrisome thought you have related to smoking. You might be surprised at how much stress smoking generates in your life.
There are, however, other things you do while smoking that offer genuine stress relief. For example, when you inhale cigarette smoke, you’re taking a deep breath, itself an effective remedy for stress. Also, when you light up, you’re often stealing a few minutes to collect your thoughts and escape your worries. Taking time for yourself is a wonderful way to relieve anxiety. Everything about smoking that’s truly calming can be had without inhaling 70 toxins.
Smokers tend to give credit to cigarettes for easing stress, but that’s like giving credit to your pen for a clever paragraph you wrote. In truth, if you’re feeling less anxious, it’s because you created a solution. “I came to realize that smoking never solved a problem,” says Faye Reese of Little Rock, Arkansas, who used smoking as a shelter from a difficult marriage. “The only thing it did was make me feel like a failure because I gave in to something I didn’t want to. I learned that the way I could feel positive was to not smoke a cigarette.” Reese, 55, now relieves stress by running.
If you can’t fathom managing stress without cigarettes, perhaps it’s because you didn’t have the opportunity, growing up, to find other ways of dealing with pressures and disappointments. “It dawned on me that smoking at the young age of 12 had stunted my growth in the area of coping mechanisms,” says Burke. In the first weeks after she quit for good, Burke says, “I coped with stress like a frustrated toddler: yelling, crying, and pouting. Gradually I learned adult coping strategies: prayer, a fast-paced walk, and a good cry.” In Chapter 11, Coping With Stress, we help you find your own healthy ways of handling anxiety.
In the meantime, recognize that nonsmokers are out there dealing with their own fair share of stress. But instead of reaching for cigarettes, they reach for the telephone, the car keys, the gym pass. They go for a walk, take a shower, listen to music, chop a salad, mow the lawn. These strategies may not deliver relief within ten seconds. In that respect, cigarettes don’t play fair. But the stress-relief techniques that don’t poison your body are more lasting and satisfying than those that do.
Fear: I don’t have the willpower to give up cigarettes
Relying on willpower to quit smoking is both unrealistic and unnecessary for most smokers. We suggest you put more stock in the power of planning, medication, and support from family and friends. Relying on willpower means taking a white-knuckle approach, and this usually results in failure. Being committed to not smoking is about using a variety of strategies to beat your addiction. When you plan your quit, following the approach laid out in Chapter 5, Preparing to Quit, your grit becomes secondary.
Fear: I’m too addicted to quit
Every day, we speak to folks who insist they are the “most addicted smoker ever.” We frequently coach three-pack-a-day smokers and folks who have smoked for more than 50 years. One of our coaches used to smoke six — yes, six! — packs a day and managed to quit. Several of our participants smoked for longer than 60 years and managed to quit. Trust us: Plenty of nonsmokers once smoked as much as you do or for as many decades. Nobody is too addicted to quit.
Fear: The cravings will never go away
“People kept telling me, ‘Once a smoker, always a smoker—you’ll never get rid of those cravings,’ ” says Brandy Adams, 36, who began smoking daily in eighth grade and topped out at 30 to 40 cigarettes a day. “So I’d think, Why even try to quit?” But by her early thirties, Adams, who has asthma, felt she had no choice. Her breathing was so labored that a walk around the block in her town, Bremerton, Washington, felt like a steep uphill climb.
The first two months after she quit, Adams, who did not use medication, thought about cigarettes every day and frequently broke out in cold sweats. “I felt like someone had grabbed onto my heart and started squeezing it, like there was a monster inside of me trying to pull me back.” But after a while she noticed her thoughts about cigarettes were dissipating. “I’d see people smoking in cars or walking down the streets, and I’d say, ‘I can’t believe I ever did that. That’s the most ridiculous-looking thing I’ve ever seen.’ At that point I knew I had it beaten.”
Thoughts about smoking and true cravings are not the same thing. You may hear longtime former smokers say they still “crave” a cigarette now and again, but they’re quick to qualify that they’re not talking about the overwhelming urges they felt those first few weeks. Months or years after quitting they might occasionally think, Gee, it would be nice to have a cigarette right now — I might enjoy that. But they don’t feel like their chest is about to burst. They’re able to move on to the next thought quickly and without discomfort.
Once you quit, your cravings to smoke will gradually fade. Think of it like a difficult breakup: At first you’re obsessed with your ex and can think of little else. Every song you hear, show you watch, even the clothes you wear remind you of