In the early stages, both partners wear masks 24/7. We overlook habits in the other that would normally irritate us. Just as life itself is a perpetual therapeutic irritation, relationships provide the ideal environment for the therapeutic half of the equation to be instructive and not allow the irritation to become destructive. In the honeymoon phase, we pretend to like what the other likes, even if it is an activity we would never consider doing on our own. We refrain from comments that might offend; we go out of our way to make sure the other is pleased with what he or she sees in us to keep the attraction going.
Have you noticed how people in love are different overnight? Suddenly, we are most accommodating and easy-going. Nothing bothers us. We introduce changes in our lives we would never do under any other circumstances. Romantic love induces an extraordinary degree of temporary flexibility.
We possess untapped adaptability and willingness to let go of personal choices and habits like never before. Behind all this openness and receptivity is a buried desire to receive the rewards of such unbridled giving. This giving expects something in return. In its silent language, it whispers: “I will give you this, if you give me that.” It is love with strings attached and a hidden agenda.
When we first fall in love, we unleash our imagination into the myriad of possibilities with the new partner. Hope and expectations are at the forefront of this exciting time. If we analyze what is really happening, we can see that the excitement is not so much about the other as it is about ourselves...and how the other makes us feel.
This euphoria is a natural high produced by the brain chemicals dopamine and oxytocin, and a host of hormones that create the ecstasy of new love. In this primal stage, the attraction penetrates no deeper than bodily sensations, even though our mind may tell us otherwise: “This is the one!” or “At last, I have found my soul mate. Now my life will work out.” Dopamine makes us dopey.
The physical attraction becomes a psychological reflection. It is like the sun’s mirror image in a body of water. The sun is not in the water, nor does its reflection change the chemical constitution of the water. They are separate and distinct, despite the apparent merging our minds perceive. It is the same with blind love. The surge of bodily sensations is so powerful it possesses the mind. The mind goes into a swoon. While this union is biologically induced, it is not consciously induced.
The Potent Power of Sexual Energy
Nothing impacts the mind as much as sexual desire. Because it is the nature of the mind to be doubtful, judging and suspicious, when it participates fully in the sex act, all inhibitions drop away. The total merging of the body-mind is experienced as a glimpse of cosmic union...and, in our hormone and emotion-filled haze, we call it “love.” We mistakenly think we have found what we have been looking for.
This is why sex, more than any other desire, can so easily become excessive or even addictive. Sensual pleasures envelop us by totally absorbing the body, mind and ego. The merging of opposite energies in the throes of sexual orgasm temporarily remove us from the separation we suffer in all other expressions of life. Time stops; surroundings blur; thoughts cease; the mind disappears. The less the mind is involved, the more satisfying the experience. An explosive release of prana on multiple planes occurs simultaneously and spontaneously. This total absorption is the most engaging experience one can have. It is a glimpse of samadhi. The dissolving of the boundaries and subsequent merging of two individuals gives us the illusion of unity. But this all-encompassing experience is only at the physical level. Psychological and personality differences are not even broached. They are irrelevant in the explosion of ecstasy.
Sex is not love. It can be a step toward love, but it is only a small step. In this regard, sex is like sleep. Both are devices of Mother Nature. They absorb us in primal unity. They provide release and rejuvenation, but they are unconscious acts and merely restore us for the next day. No matter how much sex... or sleep... we get, we will never get enlightened this way.
Yet this glimpse of love’s potential compels us to want more. We believe it is the beloved we long for, but it is really the experience of unity we desire. In truth, the lover does not bring the beloved to orgasm. The lover is merely the catalyst. We are each responsible for our own orgasm. It is the state of mind and body, a willingness to surrender completely to the rush of senses that produces the climax. This glimpse is enough to keep us in relationships for that reason alone, never exploring the role our mate may have in helping us explore our divine potential.
There is nothing wrong with sex itself. It is the way we use it that causes problems. Sexual energy in and of itself is not negative or destructive. In fact, sexual energy is divine energy that is being released downward and out, rather than drawn inward and up. This is the core of Brahmacharya, the conscious use of sexual energy. The intention in yogic practices is to manage energy consciously, not to suppress it. Suppression of sex altogether is neither necessary nor conscious. Rarely can it be achieved. There is no need to suppress sex. The aim of self-actualization is to channel every drop of energy at our disposal in a conscious and deliberate manner.
Yet passion is greedy. It is always hungry for more. This is when the mind, the self-image, gets involved and begins to sabotage the budding relationship. The mind starts planning and plotting for more. Efforts to achieve sex are actually obstructions. Again, it is like sleep. The more we struggle, the harder it is to fall asleep. The more we strategize an orgasm, the harder it is to achieve. The self-image must get out of the way. We don’t have to do anything. In fact, total relaxation into the experience is a prerequisite to lovemaking. There is nothing to achieve.
As a relationship matures, the prominence of sexual desire is diminished. If it is the key element in a relationship, its fulfillment will also be diminished.
But achievement is the primary motivator of the self-image. Sooner or later, the self-image can no longer sit by and the mental constructions—the elements of destruction—begin to work themselves into the relationship, separating the lover and the beloved.
Dropping the Persona
The mask of the self-image may have many faces, but it is transparent. Acting out a role is physically and mentally exhausting, and within a certain amount of time, the newness erodes and reality sets in. Studies of the brain show that in most cases the “cocktail of hormones” instigating and sustaining romance start to wear off after about 18 months. When we are not compelled to behave according to nature’s love chemicals, we have to start being ourselves.
As the newness starts to erode, the lover loses his charm. Or does he? Perhaps his faults are in the perceiver. Biological love energies drown the mind until the newness fades. Every experience must go through perpetual change—there is no way to stop it. So instead of experiencing love, we experience conflict. The object of experience changes, and the subject also changes. We think the other has changed, but we are still the same. But this is misguided thinking…both object and subject are continually in flux; sometimes toward each other, sometimes away from another. We remain attracted to the beginning of the relationship, but we’re not so thrilled with the way things are going midway through.
The first thing a relationship does is show you everything about yourself that you do not want to see. It also shows you everything about the other person that you never expected to see. As the relationship grows, dreams gradually die.
At this juncture, there are two options: separate or stay together. Regardless of the choice, the equilibrium of the relationship has shifted. Sex is no longer the focal point and the partners will have to determine how much they wish to invest in making the relationship succeed.
When we enter a relationship, the other person is destined to straighten us out. No one ever needs to go into therapy or see a psychiatrist. We just need to fall in love. Most people enter a relationship to feel better than the way they are feeling right now. They don’t want to be lonely. They want to get married and have children, as if this is the answer. They promise themselves: “If I can just find someone to love me, then I’ll become whole.” When difficulties