“What an awful thing to do to a child!” I commented.
“I could have been content to play on shore with my brother, but I did not understand,” said Michael.
“My reaction would have been the same.”
“I worked this one through years later by viewing it in another way. Although my father did this, he still loved me. I visualized myself as a small child holding my father’s hand while walking with him along the shoreline. This changed the way I perceived the situation. What is reality anyway? We all see situations in different ways.”
“Let me understand. You healed those emotional scars by visualizing the experience as if it happened in another way.”
“That’s right.” Michael believed that the subconscious mind was affected equally by actual experience and thought experience. “Both have an effect on the psyche. What we think has the power to make us happy or sad. Emotions can have an effect on us physically by creating biochemical changes. In this way, our thoughts create our reality, even our physical health.”
“I guess forgiveness was another important part of that visualization too.” Michael nodded in agreement.
Michael’s wisdom made complete sense to me because of a study I had read about visualization techniques. Basketball players had improved their skill by visualizing that they were shooting perfect hoops. This simple mental work improved their skill almost as much as actual practice. Visualization was certainly a powerful tool.
“There are many childhood memories that I need to view in another way. How do I do this when there are such strong emotions related to them?” I inquired.
“My friend Imtiaz learned to look at the past in a different light,” said Michael. “Forgiveness was an important part of this change, and one of the keys to his healing of cancer.”
“I’ve been having interesting dreams lately, Michael. I had one about you last night. I dreamt that I was looking at you, and your face became my face and then your face. I don’t understand what it means.”
“There is a part of our life that happens in our sleep that we don’t understand. I believe that we can learn many things about ourselves from dreams.” Michael was silent for a moment and a strange look came over his face. He seemed to be contemplating the meaning of my dream.
“I’ve been writing again,” I said. “I am hoping to find answers that will help my health.” In high school, I had discovered something called automatic handwriting. This was done without thinking about the words that would flow across the page. It was as if the writing was done by someone else. Many experts believed that it was a way to tune into the subconscious levels of the mind.
“Writing is a good idea. We should become pen pals.” My body began to shake. I knew what Michael was about to say. “I’m going back to Santa Barbara to spend some time at the Institute for Holistic Studies. This is where I studied massage. We can write to each other every week.”
“I’m happy for you,” I said in an unconvincing tone. “But, I feel sad that you are leaving.”
“Sometimes sadness can be caused when something we want from someone is not fulfilled. We don’t have anything physical, so what is there to be sad about?”
What did Michael mean? We did not have a sexual relationship, but I would still miss his friendship. “When my brother would go on his world trips, I’d feel sad. You are as close to me as my brother.” I was not telling Michael the whole truth. I did not think of Michael as just a brother. I was in love with him and afraid to let him know my true feelings.
What had happened to Michael’s plans of buying a house in Calgary and opening a business? “When I came to Calgary last September, I told Imtiaz that I would be here until June. I didn’t realize the truth of that statement until now,” said Michael.
I felt sad as Michael massaged my body. It was difficult to hold back the tears because I wondered if I would ever see Michael again. He worked on me with the same love and devotion as all the other times. I felt a beautiful unity with him, a unity that happens when two souls unite toward a common goal.
After the massage, we shared a wonderful embrace that I wanted to last forever. I could feel his heart beating against my chest. I felt a connection with Michael that I did not understand.
“Parting is difficult,” said Michael. We embraced each other again and I looked into his beautiful blue eyes. I saw something special and familiar, but I still did not know what it was. Michael’s eyes called my soul.
“I wish you all the best. I love you, Michael. Thank you for all your help.”
I sat by the living room window and watched Michael put his massage table into the back of his van. Michael waved and honked the horn several times before driving down the street. I felt like a part of me was driving away with him. In my heart, I knew that part of loving Michael was to let him discover himself. But knowing this and living it were two different things.
Chapter 4
Hope Returns
The lab reports that came back during the month of August were not good. In a desperate attempt to remedy this news, I did a sixteen-day juice fast. Fasting could be dangerous if it was not done correctly, but I had researched it thoroughly. What more did I need to do to heal myself?
My confusion and despair grew stronger. I could not handle my body being ill a moment longer. I was anxious about losing my eyesight or even my life with kidney complications. Michael had suggested that I let life show me the way and to let go of the struggle. Perhaps life would bring me the answers if I simply flowed with it. Fighting with myself was empowering a negative situation.
The phone rang one afternoon and a warm familiar voice greeted me. “Michael!” I said happily. My spirits began to lift. “I was just thinking about you.” I had been wondering if I would ever see Michael again. It was a wonderful surprise to find out that he had flown into town that morning.
“Would you like to get together?”
“Like to? I’d love to!” Having Michael in town brought a renewed feeling of hope.
“I’ll pick you up at four.”
When Michael drove up, I could barely stand still. I wanted to run outside and throw my arms around him, but I did not want to appear overly anxious to see him. It seemed to take Michael forever to walk from the car to the door. It was amazing to see my friend again.
Michael picked me up and embraced me and spun me around in a circle. Just like a scene from a Hollywood movie. “It’s great to see you, Wendy!”
“What’s new with you?” I was curious.
“There have been great things happening lately,” said Michael. He was beaming with enthusiasm. “I did a seminar in Santa Barbara called the Sage Experience. The theme was about understanding ourselves and our beliefs. It could be something of value for you to do.”
“Could it help heal me?” The desire to be well continued to be a strong force within me.
“I’m certain that it would help you in many ways,” said Michael.
We drove to Riley Park where we were entertained by colorful hot air balloons. Their billowing sides were bursting with rainbow colors. Michael and I held hands as a red and yellow balloon was filled with air. A few people were scurrying about in preparation for