The first time I sent a book proposal for The Charisma Code to a traditional publishing house, the president sent me the following commentary—along with his rejection: “The author really thinks she’s found the code for anyone to learn charisma? Tell her to go to Hawaii, Sedona, or Alaska and do a rewrite. She needs to tone it down a bit.”
TONE IT DOWN? I don’t think so, Mr. Publisher Man.
True charisma is gold, whether you are a business leader or an aspiring business leader; a safari guide or an aspiring safari guide; a playgirl or an aspiring playboy; an immigrant or a refugee; a prisoner or ex-offender. Charisma is gold for just about anyone or anything whose existence relies on connection. Charisma inspires engagement. It gets leads, motivates teams, and elicits commitment. It keeps the listener on the phone and eyes glued to what’s next. It creates loyalty and rallies resolve. It opens doors, dissolves borders and makes any culture feel like home.
There is nothing “toned down” about my request. I am asking you, the reader, to plug in, charge up, and give your all! I am asking you to risk making your best life.
Welcome to The Charisma Code.
“F*** teaching them how to fish. Teach them how to commune with the fish.”
JULIE WOODS, THE URBAN BLISS SHAMAN
CHARISMA FACT
Not everyone is going to like you.
Face it: Who you are is a bold expression of life. Escargot wrapped in pepperoni is not for everyone.
What you are about to read is not designed to be nice. It is designed to call to your attention the importance of being yourself.
CHARISMA: THE CURRENCY OF CONNECTION
Charisma’s power stems from an inner confidence. This confidence magnetizes you, drawing people and opportunities irresistibly toward you. It creates the optimal environment for connection to occur. We are meant to be charismatic, to share the most authentic and valuable parts of ourselves; to communicate what Greek poet Evangelos Alexandreou called “the jewelry of the human soul.” Unfortunately, like all coins, the Charisma Coin has a dark flipside . . .
FEAR: THE CURRENCY OF SEPARATION
The flipside of charisma is fear. Fear leads us to doubt we have anything valuable to share, convincing us our human gold is cheap brass. As a result, we resist opportunities to expose ourselves. The worst part is, when we deny the world our gifts, people and opportunities leave us, like animals fleeing a dry watering hole.
So what is charisma?
Charisma is a language beyond words. It “speaks” from the corners of eyes and tone of voice, position of foot and energy of handshake. Charisma helps communicate who you are. But charisma doesn’t stop at your skin. It’s a tool to bring others on your ride. Anyone can wield charisma. This book shows you how to harness the power of charisma so you can draw people together around a common goal, reveal gifts, and set souls on fire! Charisma is a choice. The choice between spending the currency of connection or spending the currency of separation. When you choose to spend the currency of connection, you know your value, show your value, and see others’ value. When you choose to spend the currency of separation, you forget your value, hide your value, and ignore others’ value. The latter choice says, “I can’t risk putting myself out there. What if they don’t like me or tell me I’m as unworthy as I secretly believe I am?” These thoughts hold you back from sharing your “soul’s jewelry.” You then vacate the premises before the premises can vacate you. Problem is, the premises will vacate anyway. You haven’t left them anything to hang out with.
On the flip side, a person who has charisma is a person you want to spend time with. Someone whose hand you would fight to touch through a screaming crowd of fans. It’s the quality that makes you want to date someone or vote them into office. The Beatles had it. Gandhi had it. Marilyn Monroe had it dripping off her eyelashes. It’s what makes us feel connected to a person, even if we’ve never met them.
Nowadays, our pop-culture understanding of charisma is that it’s an elusive, unnamable quality possessed by a handful of “special people.” This belief is obvious on shows like The X-Factor, in which a panel of judges vote off most contestants because they don’t measure up. Charisma is marketed as something either you have—or you don’t. This belief is no accident. Charisma scarcity is manufactured by the entertainment business to make you value those “special people” more. It keeps a whole industry running, and it sells a lot of magazines.
But is charisma really a rare quality? Is it something that can only be possessed by a select few? I am here to tell you: it is not.
No matter what you grow up believing about yourself, you can cultivate charisma. In fact, you must. Finding your inner confidence is a necessary prerequisite to cultivating your magnetism, and magnetism is essential for making connections. Your ability to connect is the end-goal of this book, the key to getting laid and paid, and quite possibly the salvation of our planet. But just like building a bank account full of money, building a charisma currency account takes work. The work is not always easy, but it is simple, and I will guide you every step of the way. In the following chapters, I will walk you through charisma’s three core constituents: confidence, magnetism, and connection. Prepare to be amazed. You have no idea what you are capable of.
STONE SOUP
Before we begin, you may ask, “Why is connection so important?”
Do you remember the story “Stone Soup”? It’s an old fable about a village going through some pretty hard times. The starving villagers hoarded each bit of food for themselves, hiding alone behind closed doors. The people were secretive and suspicious, hungry and miserable.
One day, a stranger passing through town started a pot of boiling water in the town square. There was nothing in it but a stone. One curious villager asked him what he was making, and the stranger replied:
“Why, stone soup, of course! I’d be happy to share it with you, but it needs a parsnip.”
The villager, who just happened to have a parsnip, exclaimed, “I’ve got a parsnip!” and ran home to get it. Then, one by one, each villager came to contribute one small thing to the pot: a potato, a carrot, a bit of salt, a dash of paprika. Before long, there was enough nourishing soup for the entire village. All it took was a little willingness to transform isolation and hoarding into collaboration and community.
After 3.8 billion years of evolutionary growth and pruning, nature is abundant with thriving, living systems. Nothing and nobody is wasted in the drive to survive. Every living thing is interconnected, contributing to the endurance and continuation of life on the planet. As UN Messenger of Peace Dr. Jane Goodall says, “Every individual matters and has a role to play in this life on earth.”1
We tend to think of nature as “survival of the fittest,” “red in tooth and claw.” But it is also incredibly collaborative, with every being contributing in a vital way. As the Stone Soup fable illustrates, humanity is no exception. Our social nature requires us to make alliances with one another in order to survive. Some of us have carrots, and some have paprika. The point is, whatever you’ve got, we need it. Not convinced? Meet Dr. Tamsin Woolley-Barker.
Dr. Woolley-Barker is an evolutionary biologist. I met Tamsin in the jungles of Mexico. We bonded while