The Baby’s Cross: A Tuberculosis Survivor’s Memoir. C. Gale Perkins

next thing that happened was I was taken out of the cast and put into a walking cast that ran from my shoulders to just above my thighs. This was wonderful as I could now walk around and visit the other children. I could go outside on the porch and play games like red light, giant steps, and all the other childhood games anyone could think up. My very favorite thing to do on the porch was to run up and down when it just became dark and have the moon chase me back and forth. I would run until I was exhausted and it would be time to go inside for supper. I didn’t have to eat in bed once I was up and walking around; I would eat at a table with the other children who were up and around. Somehow the food just tasted better when you didn’t have to lie in bed and eat. One of my favorite dinners was one we would have on Sunday. It was mashed potatoes, steak, and peas and would always have watermelon rind pickles with it. We would have my favorite desert (ice cream), and then after dinner the nurse in charge would pass out a piece or two of candy. We were able to stay up until seven thirty at night and then we could go into the bathroom and wash our face and brush our teeth and get ready for bed. Sometimes the attendant on duty would tell us a story if she wasn’t too busy. It wasn’t as dark in the big girls’ ward as the light from the nurse’s office and the kitchen shined in the big room. When the weather was good we would be taken for walks in the morning for about an hour and then again in the afternoon. These were so special. I loved the spring time as we were able to pick violets and lily of the valley. One of my favorite things to do was to go into the space of the big magnolia tree and just sit on the lower branch and watch the other children play. It was cozy and smelled nice there. I would get tired on the walks so this would be a nice place for me to rest. I didn’t want to let the attendant know I was tired because I was afraid they wouldn’t let me go on any more walks. We had to walk two by two, always holding the hand of one of the other kids. I would take turns; one day I would walk with Angie and the next with Phyllis. One day as we walked I saw some flocks and asked if I could pick some (as long as they were wild flowers we were allowed to pick them). I was told yes. As I picked the flowers I kept feeling a stinging on my hand, and I would just rub it and then both hands began to sting. When I looked I saw bees on my hands. I had got into a bees’ nest. I started screaming, and they hurried me back to the ward and gave me some medicine. I swelled up and itched so bad inside the cast that they started pouring calamine lotion down the cast until they could get the doctor to come and cut it off. I slept the rest of the day because the medicine they gave me for the itching made me very sleepy. I was fine the next day, but I never picked flocks again.

      In the summertime if we were up and walking around we could go to the weenie roasts they had once a month and cook our own hot dogs. They were so delicious. We even toasted marshmallows. They allowed the boys from the boys’ ward to come also. It was a new freedom for me and I loved every minute of it. Now, when we went out on the porch for our morning time and our rest time in the afternoon, my bed would be out from under the roof. I was able to see everything as I was out in the open.

      After the visit from the lady who brought me the upside down doll, I looked forward to the time between one and three in the afternoon when they would move our beds out on the porch and we had what was called rest hour. We had to cover our eyes with a cloth to keep the light out and hopefully we would sleep. I always would set the cloth so I could peak out around it and see what was going on. I liked watching the smoke billowing out of the large chimney stack that was off in the distance. I asked one day what it was for and they told me it was the generator that kept all the power going at the hospital. I found the smoke to be very comforting. Sometimes it would be white and fluffy like the clouds and other times it would be gray and dark. The days it was white and fluffy I would dream I was floating away, far away from the hospital, never having to come back.

      To my surprise one day as I watched the white smoke billowing out of the chimney stack, I saw a form of a beautiful woman in a long white dress with black hair and a smile like an angel. She waved to me and gave me a big smile. I felt a peace come over me that was almost unexplainable. She told me loud and clear that she would always be with me, and I could see her anytime I looked into the smoke. I realized that the face I was looking at was the same face on the lady who came to visit me and brought me my special upside down doll. I wanted to talk to her and thank her for this doll that I loved so much, but as soon as I tried to reach her she would again disappear. I would beg, “Please come back here. I want to touch you. I want to talk to you.” She would float and smile until she got to the top of the cloud of smoke that appeared to go right into the blue sky. I knew she was going into heaven. I loved going out onto the porch and would try at other times to see her in the cloud of smoke. It was only at the time between two and three in the afternoon that she would make her appearance. Some days I would feel so lonely and cry when she would go into the sky with the smoke. I wanted so much to tell her all the things I was doing and to smell her perfume again and feel her kiss on my cheek. I can’t remember how long I saw her in that cloud of smoke. Time was not a big factor when you’re six years old and laying in bed unable to run and play. I only knew that she was very special and I loved her.

      I was to find out many years later that the time I started to see her was after she had died, not too long after she brought me the doll. She was my mother, this Angel that I was seeing in the smoke. I still stop and pause and look at a chimney stack when I go by one. When the smoke is billowing out of the stack I look to see if maybe, just maybe I might get a glimpse of this angel who I know in my heart was my mother. Hopefully I will see her again in her flowing dress just floating around in the billowing smoke. The ache of wanting to touch, see, and smell the perfume and feel the kiss has never gone away. I still feel that empty lonely feeling in my heart on a warm summer day when the clouds are fluffy and I see a chimney stack towering in the sky. It takes me back to the days of trying to catch this beautiful person that I felt so connected to and wanted to talk to. Will the hurt ever go away?

      I did not have many visitors on the big girls’ ward as Aunty Eunice had to go into the hospital again. The nurses saw me crying one day and asked why. I told them that I was very lonely when all the other children had someone visiting them and I didn’t. I would feel very sad. They pointed out some of the other children who were without visitors and asked me if I would like to spend time with them. This made me feel special. I also was asked to spend time with the children who would cry when their visitors would leave. I could always make them laugh. I really loved to make funny faces and they would just laugh so hard (they would call me the hospital clown) and say, “Make another funny face.” I would spend a lot of time out on the porch in the good weather looking way down the road through the glass partitions to see if I had any visitors coming. I longed for my own visitors. No matter how upset I became, I always felt better when I ran up and down the porch, even though tears would be rolling down my face, I found it to be a relief for me to just run and run.

      When September of 1940 came around I was old enough to start school. This was to be a very exciting day for me. There were only three of us in the first grade. They would roll our beds out on the porch in the good weather and group us together, and we would anxiously wait for our teacher to come. There were three teachers who came and taught at the hospital. I was hoping I would get the one who to me was so beautiful she had blond hair and would wear real pretty dresses. When the day came in September, sure enough this beautiful lady was to be my teacher. Her name was Mrs. Jay, and she told us all we were going to learn the first year of school. The dress she wore that day was one I liked very much. It was red with big white polka dots. It reminded me of the dress that Minnie Mouse wore. She had bright red lipstick on and big white earrings and a necklace. She smelled like the lily of the valley flowers that I would pick in the spring. She wore lots of pinks and blues and dresses with big flowers. I really looked up to and admired her. I was anxious to get started. The first thing we learned was the alphabet and printing our names. I was still in the body cast so I had to learn to write flat on my back. This was done by holding a heavy piece of cardboard with one hand, the paper would go next, and then I would write. My arms were straight up in the air as I would write. At times they got pretty tired but Mrs. Jay would let me rest. We then started to learn the vowel sounds. They were on manila cards that she would hold up, and we all had a chance to sound them out. I was just getting to really be able to put the vowels with the consonants when my school was interrupted. It was time for me to have my first surgery on my back. The doctors explained to me that after the surgery the bone that was sticking