The Truth About Sex A Sex Primer for the 21st Century Volume I: Sex and the Self. Gloria G. Brame

more serious may be going on inside. Ebbs and flows in desire are natural to the cycles of life, but rapid and unexplained (i.e., you aren’t pregnant, you aren’t in menopause, etc.) changes in sexual behavior are symptomatic of depression, hormonal imbalances, diabetes, and other conditions.

      Is Masturbation Really Good For You?

      Since masturbation and orgasm instantly stimulate positive change throughout the human organism, masturbating to climax is quite simply the best total wellness exercise one can perform. None of the daily grooming and health rituals we all are taught to do (brushing our teeth, combing our hair, showering) serve the vital purposes of the old-fashioned orgasm. I’ll discuss the numerous organic benefits in detail in the section on orgasm but suffice to say, as I so often do, an orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.

      As noted earlier, masturbation is our biology’s way of preparing us for adult sexuality. It is also our testing ground for skills that will ultimately build to a satisfying sex life in adulthood.

      We learn five critical sexual behavioral skills through masturbation:

      1. How to produce a state of arousal

      2. How to pace sexual pleasure

      3. How to enhance sexual pleasure

      4. How to delay orgasm

      5. How to have an orgasm

      Additionally, masturbation teaches us to be comfortable handling our genitals, a key ingredient in a complete sex life. Masturbation is useful in childhood as way of relearning our natural relationship with our bodies after potty training, a time when most parents impress on their children that, by association with urination and elimination, the genital and anal regions are offensive.

      Since all of us are potty trained, it’s inevitable that many, if not most of us, grow up to believe the whole area is dirty; and since we are all subject to the advice and attitudes of authority figures who tell us that masturbation is bad and that genitals are shameful, forbidden zones, in response to these messages, masturbation often changes from an unselfconscious act to something a child is at least vaguely aware is bad or wrong. Depending on how intensely bad they believe it to be, they may delay or avoid masturbation into adulthood. In some rare cases, early childhood trauma (whether from potty training gone terribly wrong or from child abuse), can permanently damage sex drive and suppress all desire to masturbate.

      People who are comfortable with their own genitals tend to be similarly relaxed with their partners’ genitals. Knowing that certain spots in and around your genitals are more sensitive than others; knowing what kind of a sensation you crave on your penis or clitoris; knowing which other parts of your body are sensitive to touch all promote an adult’s ability to receive and to give satisfying sex. In my practice, I’ve observed that adults who cannot bear to touch their own genitals, or who believe genitals are dirty, make a lot of excuses to rationalize what are irrational feelings. They set strict boundaries on what “should” or “should not” feel right and have a lot of rules about sex that they make their partners obey — whether it’s how often they believe one “should” have intimacy or the types of sexual intimacy one “should” indulge in.

      Linda R., a slim, serious women in her early 40s, came to me out of sheer desperation. After thirteen years of marriage, her husband was threatening to leave because he couldn’t stand their sex life anymore. She had seen a range of doctors who had examined her and given her pills and patches and creams but nothing had worked. She didn’t think I could help her but she was at her wits end.

      It took a while to win her trust but finally, through tears, she told me that she had been molested and digitally penetrated by her grandfather when she was five. When she first told her mother about it, she was called a liar and punished. A few months later, he was caught in another child’s room. Then all hell broke loose. Linda was dragged in and out of courts to testify against him. To this day, some of her relatives still accuse her of destroying the family.