The Complete Works of Oscar Wilde: 150+ Titles in One Edition. Oscar Wilde

like stockbrokers do that, and then merely at dinner parties.

      Jack. How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are in this horrible trouble, I can’t make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless.

      Algernon. Well, I can’t eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

      Jack. I say it’s perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under the circumstances.

      Algernon. When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me. Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as any one who knows me intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except food and drink. At the present moment I am eating muffins because I am unhappy. Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins. [Rising.]

      Jack. [Rising.] Well, that is no reason why you should eat them all in that greedy way. [Takes muffins from Algernon.]

      Algernon. [Offering tea-cake.] I wish you would have tea-cake instead. I don’t like tea-cake.

      Jack. Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own garden.

      Algernon. But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins.

      Jack. I said it was perfectly heartless of you, under the circumstances. That is a very different thing.

      Algernon. That may be. But the muffins are the same. [He seizes the muffin-dish from Jack.]

      Jack. Algy, I wish to goodness you would go.

      Algernon. You can’t possibly ask me to go without having some dinner. It’s absurd. I never go without my dinner. No one ever does, except vegetarians and people like that. Besides I have just made arrangements with Dr. Chasuble to be christened at a quarter to six under the name of Ernest.

      Jack. My dear fellow, the sooner you give up that nonsense the better. I made arrangements this morning with Dr. Chasuble to be christened myself at 5.30, and I naturally will take the name of Ernest. Gwendolen would wish it. We can’t both be christened Ernest. It’s absurd. Besides, I have a perfect right to be christened if I like. There is no evidence at all that I have ever been christened by anybody. I should think it extremely probable I never was, and so does Dr. Chasuble. It is entirely different in your case. You have been christened already.

      Algernon. Yes, but I have not been christened for years.

      Jack. Yes, but you have been christened. That is the important thing.

      Algernon. Quite so. So I know my constitution can stand it. If you are not quite sure about your ever having been christened, I must say I think it rather dangerous your venturing on it now. It might make you very unwell. You can hardly have forgotten that some one very closely connected with you was very nearly carried off this week in Paris by a severe chill.

      Jack. Yes, but you said yourself that a severe chill was not hereditary.

      Algernon. It usen’t to be, I know — but I daresay it is now. Science is always making wonderful improvements in things.

      Jack. [Picking up the muffin-dish.] Oh, that is nonsense; you are always talking nonsense.

      Algernon. Jack, you are at the muffins again! I wish you wouldn’t. There are only two left. [Takes them.] I told you I was particularly fond of muffins.

      Jack. But I hate tea-cake.

      Algernon. Why on earth then do you allow tea-cake to be served up for your guests? What ideas you have of hospitality!

      Jack. Algernon! I have already told you to go. I don’t want you here. Why don’t you go!

      Algernon. I haven’t quite finished my tea yet! and there is still one muffin left. [Jack groans, and sinks into a chair. Algernon still continues eating.]

ACT DROP