COSENS (lolling on seat). Stand still and talk rationally.
PROFESSOR. I can’t stand still. I have walked fifteen miles since I made the great discovery. I feel as if I should never be able to stand still again.
COSENS. Oh yes, you will.
PROFESSOR. Ah, Dick, I think you are laughing at me! Am I only an old fool? I think you are, Dick, she couldn’t possibly. Between ourselves, I am a little shortsighted and rather hard of hearing, and I sometimes give in one knee. I shouldn’t wonder, though, I had to get spectacles and an eartrumpet and a crutch all at the same time.
COSENS. The greater need of a wife. No, I am not laughing at you, Tom. Have you asked her to marry you?
PROFESSOR. I had begun to — in the field — it was all coming out in a rush, when she ran away. Dick, no one could love me, eh?
COSENS (chaffing). Oh, I don’t know. For one thing, you are fairly wealthy.
PROFESSOR. Ah, girls don’t marry for money, Dick.
COSENS. Simple old boy.
PROFESSOR. Yes, that is it — I am an old boy, already.
COSENS. YOU look twenty years younger than you did a week ago.
PROFESSOR. I feel it, Dick. I feel it, but it is impossible she can care for me.
COSENS. Does your sister know about it, Tom?
PROFESSOR. Yes; as soon as I told her she went off to look for Lucy.
COSENS. Ha! I can guess why she did that.
PROFESSOR. So can I, Dick. She has gone to plead for me. So like Agnes! (Sitting in seat under window.)
(COSENS smiles.)
But I am afraid it will be of no use. Old fossil — the dustbin. That’s the place.
COSENS. Tom, my opinion is, that the girl is in love with you.
PROFESSOR. Dick! Don’t buoy me up with false hopes, Dick. (Jumping up from seat.)
COSENS. And my advice to you is —
PROFESSOR. Yes?
COSENS. First, put on a decent hat —
PROFESSOR. Yes; I have one. I certainly used to have one.
COSENS. And your most elegant coat.
PROFESSOR. Yes? The one I was fitted for. That’s the one.
COSENS. Assume a martial air, twirl a cane in one hand and march straight to her lodgings and propose to her.
PROFESSOR. I will.
COSENS. Cut a dash, Tom.
PROFESSOR. Precisely. That’s the thing. (Coming back.)
How do you cut it, Dick?
COSENS. In with you.
(The PROFESSOR goes into house leaving COSENS chuckling and relighting his pipe.)
PROFESSOR (opening window). Dick, you must have noticed that she is utterly unlike any other woman you ever saw?
COSENS (who has risen and gone to window). Oh, of course.
PROFESSOR. Her laugh, Dick!
COSENS. Ah!
PROFESSOR. Once I saw her cry!
COSENS. Never!
PROFESSOR. It was in London.
COSENS. You don’t say so!
PROFESSOR. She was twenty last birthday.
COSENS. Wonderful!
(professor disappears for a second and then returns.)
PROFESSOR. Dick, I am even uglier than I thought.
COSENS. Oh, go and tidy yourself up. Stop, I’ll come in and help you.
(cosens enters house professor disappears from window, effie is heard off stage singing a snatch of ‘When the Kye comes Hame.’ She comes in from field with water, pete following her.)
PETE. Oh, Effie!
EFFIE. Tell me blunt, man, what is it you want if you ken yoursel’?
PETE. Fine I ken what I want. I want you to give me up, Effie.
EFFIE. What for should I give you up?
PETE. I’ve changed my mind, Effie.
EFFIE. Is there some other woman?
PETE. There’s no other woman. Far frae it! It’s just that on consideration I think the thing’s too venturesome.
EFFIE. You’ve been ill to come by, Pete, and I refuse to give you up. The whole countryside is already ringing with the news of my victory.
PETE. It’s true, it’s true, I’m a marked man. (Appealing) What is it you see in me, Effie, that’s so terrible adorable?
EFFIE. I see nothing partikler. You ‘re not my choice, but I’m yours — and we’ll get on fine.
PETE. You’re ower young to marry.
EFFIE. Havers! Many a woman is a widow at my age.
PETE. My blood was up. I spoke in haste.
EFFIE. Then you can repent at your leisure.
PETE. Effie, I’m a terrible bad character.
EFFIE. I’ll reform you.
PETE. I drink!
EFFIE. Ay!
PETE. I swear!
EFFIE. Ay!
PETE. In fact, I’m just a regular devil.
EFFIE. Deevil or no deevil, Pete, you ‘re the man for me.
PETE (to her back). Effie woman! Effie!
(He goes very despondently. Enter professor in tall hat, frock-coat, flower in it, and cane in hand, cosens looks out at window at him.)
COSENS. Good luck to you, Tom.
PROFESSOR (referring to cane). Dick, how do you twirl it?
(Tries.)
COSENS. Capital!
PROFESSOR. How do you think I look, Dick? (Referring to hat) You know I never wear this except at funerals. I don’t think she’ll know it’s me, Dick?
COSENS (chaffing). Perhaps that will increase your chances!
PROFESSOR (almost going — returning). You know, I don’t feel so old.
COSENS. You ‘re not.
PROFESSOR. Dick, I remember I was rather good at games. I had an off-break.
COSENS. Tell her that.
PROFESSOR. I once bled a boy’s nose at school.
COSENS. Good.
PROFESSOR. What extraordinary things are coming back to me! I used to draw caricatures of my schoolmasters!
COSENS. YOU did!
PROFESSOR. It is my solemn opinion, Dick — that I had quite a sense of fun!
COSENS. You’ll simply bowl her over, Tom.
PROFESSOR. You know I never believed I had a chance with her, and now I feel almost hopeful.
COSENS. That’s the way to win them. Be off, before it goes.
PROFESSOR (going and returning). Dick, I’ve lost hope. What can she see in me?
COSENS. My dear Tom, when women love us we should never ask why. All we can be sure of is that they see something in us which isn’t there.
(The professor goes, cosens leans out of