With an uneventful history,
They tell me love is jolly
But to me it’s still a mystery.
I love my playthings dearly,
And my dolls and apple pie,
But I’m feeling, oh, so queerly,
And I can’t tell why —
No I can’t — not I.
I’m growing quite gutta-perchical, and can’t tell why.
PROCTOR. I fancy that this weakness
May seem to you undignified.
BAB. Ah me, these words of meekness,
Now tell me what they signified?
BOTH. Your love can hide no longer,
It beckons from your eye;
We’re unquestionably stronger,
And we both know why.
Do you? So do I.
We are feeling dry-champagnified,
And both know why.
BAB. Oh, how nice-looking you are! You would look so pretty with this round your neck. (Puts her long boa round.) Now, it should come across your chest like that. (PROCTOR smiles indulgently). Then round like this, and fasten so. (Ties it behind the chair and fastens it. Then laughs and claps her hands.)
PROCTOR (struggling to rise). What is this? What do you mean?
BAB. Oh, he mustn’t make a noise. (Puts a handkerchief round his mouth. PROCTOR glares horribly and frowns.) Ha! ha! ha! (Goes up stage calling “Tom!” PROCTOR gurgles. The
BULLDOGS enter and stand one on each side of the arbour.)
GREG. There is no one in the arbour, Sim.
SIM. N — No. (PROCTOR gurgles.) I thought —
GREG. So did I. But it’s only an optical illusion, Sim.
SIM. So it is, Greg. I wonder where the Proctor is?
GREG. He is gathering flowers by the river’s brim.
BULLDOGS close arbour and retire.
Enter TOM.
TOM. Now, darling, are you ready?
BAB. My own! (They embrace.)
Enter JACK followed by JANE ANNIE.
JACK (aside). I am sure she will choose me. Eh — ah — ho - - what’s this?
BAB. Don’t you see?
JACK. I wish I didn’t. Haw!
BAB. Jane Annie, you promised to help me if I took Tom.
JANE A. And I shall.
JACK (aside). That unpleasant girl again.
TOM. But what can you do?
JANE A. One of the letters I made Miss Sims write was to the livery stables, requesting that a carriage should be sent to the other side of the river at two o’clock today. It is there now.
TOM. Are you sure?
JANE A. Listen! (She whistles — an answering whistle is heard.) See, there it is! (A carriage is seen driving up.)
BAB. Let us cross at once.
JANE ANNIE signs to carriage to go on, and it goes out of sight.
CADDIE (entering). You can’t get away. Ho! ho!
BAB. Why not?
CADDIE. Because I’ve locked the boat-house and hidden the key.
JACK. Good boy!
CADDIE. That’s a stimie for you.
TOM. Quick, the key!
CADDIE. Sha’n’t!
BAB. What’s to be done?
JANE A. Leave him to me. (Hypnotizes CADDIE.) Now give me the key.
CADDIE begins to undress.
JACK. What is he doing?
TOM. The key must be concealed about his person.
BAB. This is becoming improper.
TOM. Wait a moment. (To CADDIE.) Caddie, where is the key?
CADDIE whispers to him. TOM whistles and whispers to JACK, who rubs his hands gleefully.)
BAB. Tom, do something with him at once!
TOM (primly). If Caddie will retire with me to some secluded spot for a few moments I shall return with the key.
Exeunt TOM and CADDIE.
BAB. Goodbye, Jane Annie, dear.
JANE A. But I am coming with you.
BAB. You?
JANE A. Yes, and so is Jack.
JACK. Not I.
JANE A. Silly boy, yes, you are. Tom is eloping with Bab, and you are eloping with me.
JACK. I’ll see you far enough first.
JANE A. Isn’t he shy?
TOM (entering). The key!
BAB. Jane Annie proposes that she and Jack should come with us.
TOM. But the carriage will seat only two.
JANE A. Well, that won’t matter.
BAB. Won’t it? (JANE ANNIE chuckles.) Oh Tom! Jane Annie and I see no difficulty.
TIM. How? (He and JACK chuckle.) Do you agree?
JACK. If you will exchange girls. Haw!
TOM. Never!
BAB. Come, Tom.
JANE A. Come, Jack, and make it a foursome.
JACK. This girl terrifies me. I’ll bolt. (Exit.)
JANE A. Come back. (To TOM.) Don’t go without us. (Exit.)
BAB. Now let us fly at once.
TOM. Would it not be a little shabby?
BAB. Not in the least.
Bell begins to toll.
BAB. We are betrayed.
TOM. It is Jack — the villain — I see him.
BAB. Quick, we have time yet.
They are going to the boat-house. CADDIE appears.
CADDIE. Back! (They run L. Enter MISS SIMS, L.)
MISS S. Back! (They run R. Enter JACK, R.)
JACK. Back!
The GIRLS, STUDENTS, and OFFICERS rush on.
MISS S. Seize them! (JACK seizes TOM, and CADDIE seizes BAB.)
TOM. Infamous!
JANE A. It isn’t his hole yet! (Hypnotizes MISS SIMS.)
BAB. She is hypnotized!
ALL. Oh, wonderful!
JANE A. Now, see what I shall make her do.
SEXTET. — JANE ANNIE, MISS SIMS, BAB, PROCTOR, JACK, and TOM.
JANE ANNIE. You’re now a sentimental maid,
The little god caressing,
Dear mistress, we can’t have it said
We went without your blessing.
JANE ANNIE, BAB, TOM, and JACK kneel, JANE ANNIE forcing JACK to do so.
QUARTET. We’re kneeling, sentimental maid,
Awaiting for your blessing.