A peerage I’ll take
For my progeny’s sake,
To refuse it I think would be shabby,
And I ask poor and rich
To my funeral, which
Will be held in Westminster Abbey.
Oh, you wouldn’t deride, etc. Cries of “Fore! Fore!”
BAB. The girls are playing golf. (She holds up flag.)
CADDIE. Girls! Poor summer flies!
BAB. Do let me play, Caddie.
CADDIE. It’s agin the Missus’ orders. I’m your jailer, I am, and Miss Sims’s words were: “Give the wench a little exercise, but never leave her for a moment, or she will be eloping again; and if she does,” said she, “you just pull the big fire bell.”
BAB. But why not let me elope, Caddie? See, I go on my knees to you. (Kneels.)
CADDIE. Get up! Get up!
BAB (rising). Cold, relentless! You have never loved!
CADDIE. Have I not? By gum!
BAB. You in love. With whom?
CADDIE (sadly). It’s all over for ever, no more.
BAB. She jilted you?
CADDIE. Well, it came to the same thing, I jilted her.
BAB. Why?
CADDIE. I wanted a bigger one.
BAB. And have you got a bigger one?
CADDIE. I have.
BAB. Whom?
CADDIE (pointing off stage). You see that agreeable circumference coming this way?
BAB. Yes.
CADDIE. Well, that’s my new one.
BAB. Jane Annie!
BAB goes sadly up stage. A golf ball lands on green, CADDIE pockets it. Enter JANE ANNIE with golf club. She looks for her ball. CADDIE looks longingly at her and sighs aloud.
CADDIE. My charmer!
JANE A. Caddie, did you see my ball?
CADDIE. No, Miss, no balls have come this way.
JANE A. It is a strange thing that when you are acting as caddie nearly all our balls get lost.
CADDIE. Yes, Miss.
JANE A. And what is stranger still, those same lost balls are afterwards offered us for sale at your mother’s shop in the village.
CADDIE. Ah, it be a puzzling world, Miss.
JANE A. (putting her hand in his pocket and producing ball). Now it seems to me that this is my ball.
CADDIE. Extraordinary thing!
JANE A. How did it get there?
CADDIE. You must have played it into my pocket, Miss.
JANE A. Fibber! I feel sure that it fell dead just on the edge of the hole — here. (Puts ball close to hall.)
CADDIE. No, Miss, now that you mention the circumstance, I recollect that I picked it out of the bunker.
JANE A. Pooh! nonsense!
CADDIE. Is this fair, Miss?
JANE A. Of course it’s fair, so long as nobody sees me. Besides, I’m told they often do it at Felixstowe. Why, even Mr. Balf — (CADDIE signs silence to her, pointing to private box as if fearful lest they should be overheard. Exit CADDIE.)
BAB. Sneak!
JANE A. Are you a prisoner, Bab?
BAB. Yes, thanks to you. I shall tell everybody how good you have been. (Sits down on rug.)
JANE A. How hateful of you to threaten to take away my character.
BAB. Goody! Goody! Goody!
JANE A. (sitting down beside BAB). I’m not really good.
BAB. Yes, you are. You sha’n’t sit on my rug. (Pulls it away.) Why, you promised last night to be dreadfully naughty to-day, so as to make up for your goodness of the past six months, and here you are as shamelessly good as ever.
JANE A. You do me an injustice. The fun is about to begin. Early this morning I hypnotized our dear mistress, and made her write the most dreadful letters. Just fancy, two of them were invitations to Tom and Jack to come and bring as many male friends with them as they could get together. She has not the least idea of what she has done, of course! Ha! ha!
BAB. But why have you done this?
JANE A. So that in the confusion Tom and Jack may carry off the girl of their heart.
BAB. But I can only marry one of them.
JANE A. Yes, but I can marry the other.
BAB. You! But I haven’t selected mine yet. That is my difficulty.
JANE A. No, but I have! That removes your difficulty.
BAB. You toad!
JANE A. The one I have chosen is Jack.
BAB. Jack! Does he know?
JANE A. No, I am keeping it a surprise for him.
BAB. I don’t believe a word you have said.
JANE A. You can have my aid if you will promise to take Tom and leave Jack for me. You can’t elope without my aid.
BAB. I shall.
JANE A. You sha’n’t!
BAB. Goody! Goody! Goody! Cries of “Fore! Fore!” are heard, and a ball lands on the green.
JANE A. The girls.
BAB. Goody! Goody! Goody!
GIRLS enter in golf costume. JANE ANNIE, ROSE, MEG, and MILLY are playing a foursome; the others are looking on. CADDIE accompanies them as caddie.
CHORUS OF GIRLS.
To golf is staid for bashful maid,
So our schoolmistress thinks,
That’s why, ‘tis said, Queen Mary played
On famed St. Andrew’s links.
BAB (holding up her club). Niblick! }
JANE ANNIE (holding up her club). Driver! }
MILLY (holding up her club). Putter! }
MEG (holding up her club). Brassy! }
BAB. One up!
JANE ANNIE. Two to play!
ALL. We play the game as that Scotch lassie, Mary, used to play. This verse is sung with spirit; the second dejectedly.
GIRLS. The game was gay in Mary’s day,
Her foursomes were not lonely,
Maybe ‘cause they had not to play
On greens for ladies only!
BAB (as before). Niblicks! }
JANE ANNIE (as before). Drivers! }
MILLY (as before). Putters! }
MEG (as before). Brassies! }
BAB. One up!
JANE ANNIE. Two to play!
GIRLS. For partners we have only lassies,
Which was not Mary’s way.
MEG plays at hole and misses. CADDIE chuckles.
JANE A. You have flung away the hole.
ROSE plays at hole and misses. CADDIE grins.