Wishes Under a Starlit Sky. Lucy Knott

most hidden-away part of Hyde Park.

      If I remember correctly, I’d actually forgotten why I was mad by the time he had turned up. My dad always looked so cool in his ripped black jeans and vintage tees and faux leather jacket, that I greeted him with a wide smile. He had looked at me and said, ‘Nice choice, I used to come here a lot too.’ And that was pretty much the end of my grumpy years. I think a kid had got to me at school that day, picked on me for having dirty hippie parents and a dad who made soap for a living. I believed the kid and I let him get to me. I didn’t care to be laughed at. But when my dad walked into the alley looking like a dadlier, but still incredibly cool version of Jim Morrison, the memory of the kid’s opinion had vanished in a matter of seconds. My parents had taught me better than that – if it wasn’t constructive or kind then I didn’t need to listen to other people’s opinions.

      ‘Remember that day when you were twelve and ran away? Well, I still got it,’ my dad replies. He’s right, he hasn’t lost an essence of his cool since that day and I smile into my coffee that he is thinking about the same thing I am.

      ‘This place is beautiful, Dad, but even more so this time of year. I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to visit for the holidays.’ I look around taking in the rising sun hitting the bark of the trees, making the snow sparkle. Dad looks around too, with a fond smile on his face, then his eyes come to rest on my face once more.

      ‘Are you going to talk to me, kid, or would you like your space?’ my dad asks, always so considerate of my needs.

      I can’t remember how long it’s been since my dad and I had an honest to goodness heart-to-heart and that pains me a little. Since my last visit, I’ve made time for quick phone calls and the odd Skype call, but I haven’t really made them a priority. Standing in front of my dad now, I don’t know how I’ve got through the last two years without his guidance and wisdom. Maybe that’s why I’m in this predicament I find myself in now with Scott and my lack of enthusiasm for work or anything in life.

      I look into my dad’s blue-hazel eyes, which match my own, and the sparkle that is reserved for me is still there. Mum tells me he has had that since the day I was born, and it has never faded. I can’t lie to him. With my dad, the wall I have built over the past year comes crashing down. It’s not me, it’s not who I am. I’m not a guarded person, I’m more an open book. I wear my heart on my sleeve. The closed-off and reserved person I am becoming is starting to scare me. Under the covers of my bed, hiding from the world, is not where I want to spend the rest of my life.

      ‘I’m struggling, Dad.’ The words come out surprisingly calm. My dad’s face wrinkles, but his olive complexion, grey stubble and kind eyes make me feel safe and free from judgement. He puts an arm through mine and starts walking between the trees. My toes are grateful for the movement. The thoughts inside my head have been distracting me from how cold I have been getting. I take another sip of coffee and with the blood now pumping through my veins, my body is warming up again.

      We’re walking in silence and I’m getting lost in the sherbet-pink-coloured clouds that are disappearing into the baby blue sky that is peeking through the canopy of oak.

      ‘I’m here to listen,’ is all my dad says and it’s all I need. I pull my attention away from the falling snowflakes, from watching them glide through the air and nestle on the blanket of snow below and I take a cool breath in. It’s the first time I’m going to speak out loud to someone other than Madi about what’s happened between Scott and I, and even though it’s my dad an unexpected terror washes over me. It’s unpleasant and not warranted. This is my dad, I tell myself, but the terror remains stubbornly in place.

      Suddenly I’m scared that my dad might scold me for doing something wrong, or that he will give me a disappointed look for being a bad wife and not being strong enough to get over this whole ordeal. I feel like a failure; my shoulders droop as we walk. I want to run away, to throw my mug across the snowy path. The battle between conflicting thoughts in my brain is immense. A strange mix of emotions is stirring in the cauldron that has become my stomach, a dash of guilt, a drop of humiliation, a sprinkle of worthlessness and a splash of am I a terrible person if I open my mouth and speak badly of Scott? It’s all there and it’s all uncomfortable. Scott’s words were ‘It’s your fault.’ Would my dad think it was my fault too?

      My dad squeezes my arm that is linked through his, as though to let me know it’s OK and with this small act of love, the floodgates open. I turn to him, heaving heavy sobs. My shoulders are moving up and down, my back is hunched over and my face buried in my dad’s thick, soft jacket. My knees are shaking, doing their best to hold me up while small cries escape my lips in intervals, between breathless gasps.