In a blur of motion, her head jerked to him. Her eyes narrowed. “That’s a joke, right?”
He shrugged. “Not a funny one.”
The tension in her shoulders eased visibly. “That was your thing, you know. Telling lame jokes. The more stressful the situation, the lamer the joke.” Her bottom lip disappeared between her teeth. “Do you want to meet the boys?”
“You didn’t finish your breakfast.” This was so much more than he’d bargained for. Getting his brain around the fact that he was the father of three little boys was going to take time.
“Xavier.” Cautiously, she moved to stand in front of him, eyeing him as if she was a rabbit and he was the hungry wolf. “Do you want to meet the boys today? If you want to do it another day or—”
“No. Today. Finish your breakfast. Then we’ll walk over to…” His throat strangled the next word.
Slender, warm hands touched his. He looked down and stared at the soft, golden skin next to his rough, darker tones. Placing his hand on top of hers, he held it there, never wanting to let her go. How was it possible to be so connected to someone he didn’t know?
“It’s okay.” Her voice was soft and understanding.
More than he deserved.
She went on, not letting silence hover. “You’ve been gone for their whole lives. They’re so little they don’t understand. Another day or two won’t matter if you want to wait.” She pulled her hand out of his grip. “Unless you don’t want to see them.”
He heard a hint of anger he assumed she was trying to hide from him.
What did he want? To be whole. He wanted to wake up from this nightmare and be whole. To know who he was without any doubts and shadows.
Studying the beautiful woman that was his wife, he longed to reach out to her, to tell her everything was going to be all right, but he couldn’t make that kind of promise.
Hugging herself, she put distance between them. “Is that it? You don’t want to meet them. I know they’re a surprise.”
He cleared his throat. “Finding out I had a wife was a surprise. Learning I have three sons? That’s more of a shock.”
He hadn’t been here for her when she needed him. His gut told him it wasn’t the first time.
He held his hand out to help her up. “Tell me their names again.”
“Finn, Oliver and Sawyer.” For a brief second, her warm touch was his again, but then she pulled away and headed to the door. She popped her knuckles.
“I remember you doing that whenever you were nervous.”
Her hands went into her jacket pockets. “You know the strangest things about me.”
The hurt in her words made him uncomfortable. She deserved more. “So, we have Finn, Oliver and Sawyer?” He narrowed his eyes, trying to catch a thread of memory. “I know those names.”
She nodded. “They’re names you picked out. You love classic stories. We’d made a list of boy and girl names. With three boys, I got to use all of your favorites.”
As she walked through the door he held open for her, her fragrance, Summer Sunshine, caressed his senses. He wanted to linger. “What would they have been if you’d had girls?”
She gave him a look that said she wasn’t happy about something.
“We had agreed to Jane, Scarlett and Esmeralda.”
Oh. He had used the wrong pronoun. Then he let each name run through his brain. He couldn’t stop the horror showing on his face. “I picked those names?”
“No.” Her laughter was a bit reluctant, but real. “You only liked Scarlett. That had been our deal. You got to name the boys and I got to name any daughters we had. I did cheat a little. You wanted Sawyer for a girl. Your other boy name was Ulysses.” Her nose wrinkled. “But I thought that sounded like an old man’s name. Since you weren’t here I used Sawyer for our third son.”
“Ulysses is retro cool. But Jane? Talk about sounding—”
“We had this discussion already and since you weren’t here when I named them I went with those. They were all approved by you one way or another. The children already answer to them. No take-backs on baby names.” At the bottom step, she waited for him to follow her.
He brushed past, the sea breeze relaxing him. “I do like Scarlett. If you ever have a girl, then—”
She went rigid. Then she shook her head. “I’m in a good place right now and I don’t see myself having more children.”
Had he done that to her? He reached for her hand, then dropped his. “Selena, I’m sorry.”
How many land mines was he going to trip over? He might not remember most of his life but hurting her took a chunk out of his heart. There had to be a way to get all his memories back.
Flipping her long dark ponytail over her shoulder, she gave him a smile, as if to reassure him, but the light in her amber eyes was out. “Don’t be. They’re amazing, even though as a single mom, there are days the boys are almost more than I can handle. Not sure what I would have done without my dad. Your family, Belle and Elijah, have been a great support, too.”
Her gaze moved back to the horizon and she walked along the gravel drive. “Don’t feel sorry for me. Life is good, and God has given me so many gifts.” She smiled over her shoulder. “And now it’s Christmas.”
She bit the corner of her lip. “And you’re back. ‘I’ll Be Home for Christmas’ has a deeper meaning now.”
A gust of wind played with long strands of her hair. He wanted to pull her close and protect her from the harsh elements. What words could he use to bring the spark back to those gentle eyes? Even without any specific memory, he knew in his gut that she was everything good, solid and joyful in his life.
He didn’t know much, but there was a darkness inside him. That same darkness would destroy her light if he let her too close. Was that why he had left her?
Something was wrong, but he didn’t know enough to even ask.
Taking his gaze off her, he studied the old barn they were approaching. The wood was weathered gray and the Texas flag painted on the metal roof was faded. It begged for repair. Was the neglect a lack of help or money?
Selena walked backward as she studied him. He knew without touching it that it would be silky as it slid between his fingers.
Her hands deep in her pockets, she had to speak louder to be heard over the wind. “I know things are different and you…well, you’re just trying to find out who you are. Maybe there’s a reason you forgot us.”
This conversation was on a sharp spiral in the wrong direction, but he was saved from responding when she turned and slid open one of the wide doors.
Giggling warmed the air around him. A couple of more steps and the idea of three little people belonging to him would become a reality. Why couldn’t he move?
“Xavier?” She tilted her head as she looked at him. She held her hand out to him, concern in her expression. “They don’t know you’re here. They have no expectations. You can meet them later or we don’t have to tell them who you are yet.”
A mix of little giggles and adult laughter answered her. He shook his head. Placing his hand on the edge of the door, he forced his body to take another step. A fluttery movement deep in his belly told him to turn and go in the opposite direction.
But this was his family. The life he had forgotten. There would be no putting the pieces together if he continued to run.
One more step and he was inside.