April was about to share her darkest fears with the group, but before she could muster the courage, Nick cleared his throat to speak. The breath April had been holding escaped with a soft gasp, and she was left feeling crushed but temporarily relieved. What if she were wrong to suspect Jason? Worse still, what if she were right?
‘I’ve no idea how I’d fare in a new relationship,’ Nick began. ‘How could anyone compare to Erin when I choose to remember only the best parts of our relationship? I’ll never love anyone like I loved her. She was perfect.’
Nick turned to meet April’s gaze. He was seeking reassurance, but April lowered her head and closed her eyes as a rush of sacred memories assaulted her. She had once thought Jason was perfect too.
‘Would you like to tell us about Erin?’ asked Justine.
‘Sure,’ Nick said. He pulled at his cuff, unable to continue until it was straight. ‘Erin found a lump in her breast and pretty soon after we were told it was cancer. She was only thirty-two and it didn’t seem real.’ He paused a moment before adding, ‘I should explain that Erin and I weren’t married, but I asked Justine and she said it would be OK with you guys.’
Justine nodded. ‘I told Nick we recognise the love between two people and not what’s written on a certificate. Our differences bring us together, they don’t set us apart,’ she said. ‘Lisa and I had a civil partnership, but I’ve never been treated any differently in this group.’
‘Not marrying Erin is one of my deepest regrets,’ Nick admitted. ‘I was stupid. I didn’t appreciate what I had until it was too late. She had treatment, but there were secondaries and she never did get the all-clear we were praying for. The last thing Erin said to me was not to waste my life thinking about what might have been. I couldn’t believe how brave and noble she was, right up to the end.’
‘I’m sure you were brave too,’ said a woman sitting next to Steve. Nadiya was another thirty-something with three children to bring up after her husband had drowned on an ill-fated boat trip.
‘If you’d seen me, you wouldn’t have thought so. I was useless to her.’
‘My husband had cancer too,’ Tara explained. ‘And I remember feeling that sense of impotence. It was their fight, their suffering, and we were the bystanders.’
‘How did you cope?’ Nick asked.
‘I have no idea,’ Tara said, but she glanced at Justine and added, ‘Actually I do. I had family and friends like Justine who looked after me and my baby so I could look after Mike in his last months. I’m sure I appeared brave, but I was a mess inside.’
‘Two years on and I’m still a mess,’ Nick said, head down as he tugged at his shirt sleeve. He sniffed back tears before adding, ‘Sorry.’
There was a pause that no one tried to fill until it became clear that Nick had said as much as he could for his first meeting. One or two people glanced at April. It was her turn, but after listening to Nick, her emotions were pinballing between the pain of her loss and her anger.
Steve was close enough to hear her gulp as she struggled to swallow a mouthful of cold coffee and he offered her a reprieve. ‘It’s not all gloom and doom,’ he said. ‘There are some of us who make new relationships work, aren’t there Tara? Where’s Iain tonight?’
If April wasn’t mistaken, there was a blush rising in Tara’s cheeks. ‘At home looking after the girls.’
‘Your place or his?’ asked Nadiya, quick to join in the teasing that brought light back to a room crowded with ghosts.
‘My flat, although I won’t be living above the shop for much longer. Iain and I have put an offer in for a house around the corner on Pebble Street,’ Tara replied. She bit her lip as she waited for the group’s reaction. It was Nick and April’s frowns she noticed first. ‘Sorry, I should explain. Iain’s another member of the group and this lot have had to listen to us debating whether or not to move in together for a while now. We each have a daughter and we didn’t want to rush things.’
‘And how are the girls taking the news?’ Nadiya asked.
‘We haven’t told them yet, but I know Molly’s going to be thrilled. She’ll be glad not to have to share her poky little bedroom with Lily whenever she stays over.’
‘And what about Lily?’ Justine prompted.
Tara shifted in her seat. ‘That’s going to be more of a challenge. She’ll have to move schools, and, whereas I can keep the flat so we can rent it out, Iain’s putting their house in Widnes on the market. It’s not going to be easy for Lily to leave the place where she lived with her mum, but I hope there are enough positives to outweigh the negatives.’
‘We had to move house because we couldn’t afford to stay where we were,’ said Nadiya. ‘The older two were sobbing their hearts out on the day we left, but they settled eventually.’
‘It’s a new start for all of us.’
‘Do you think Iain will keep coming to the group?’ asked Justine. ‘He’s missed a few now.’
‘You’d have to ask him that, but maybe he has got as much out of the group as he needs,’ Tara replied. Smiling, she added, ‘Possibly more than he was expecting, but that’s the thing, we have each other now and a future to look forward to.’
Justine played with the corner of her clipboard. ‘You make it sound like you’re considering leaving too.’
April tightened her grip on her mug. The others were lovely, but Tara was the one who had persuaded April to join the group and she didn’t want to lose her so soon.
‘No, I have no plans to escape just yet,’ Tara said, falling short of giving them an absolute assurance. She gave a chuckle, but her smile was tight when she added, ‘And who knows? Blending two families could go horribly wrong and we might need you all more than ever.’
After another pause, Justine sat up a little straighter. ‘Are we about done for tonight?’
The thought of leaving without making any contribution was enough for April to regain the courage that had failed her earlier. ‘Can I say something?’ she asked.
‘Don’t feel you have to talk about Jason until you’re ready,’ said Tara.
The sound of Jason’s name falling from the lips of someone who had never known him, in a place he had never been, evoked such bittersweet emotion. April was angry, confused, and possibly paranoid, but she had never lost sight of how much she missed her husband, or how much she had loved him. No one in this room was ever going to meet Jason, but he was the reason she was there. He was what connected her to each and every one of them. She inhaled slowly and her breath vibrated over the thump of her heart.
‘I’ll admit my feelings are confused,’ she began, ‘so I apologise if what I’m about to say doesn’t make sense.’
‘Why don’t you start at the beginning?’ suggested Tara. ‘There’s no rush.’
April nodded. It was as safe a place as any. ‘Jason and I were childhood sweethearts and we managed the whole long-distance relationship while I went off to do my accountancy degree and he took an apprenticeship as a surveyor. When I came back, we ended up working in different departments for the same council. We moved in together and eventually got married just over five years ago. Our lives were perfectly synchronised until the night Jason died in his sleep,’ she said, surprised her voice held despite the crushing pain that made it difficult