‘Oh, honey, you can do better.’
‘You went there, and look where you are.’
‘I had to go there. But times have changed. Getting a job is hard enough now, even with a degree from a top school.’
‘Exactly. So it won’t matter. Anything is do-able, Mom. Haven’t you taught me that?’
‘Sure. I just never thought it would apply to a baby.’
Lily’s eyes lit up. ‘But there is a baby,’ she cried, sounding so like a buoyant child that Susan could have wept. Lily didn’t have a clue what being a mother entailed. Spending the summer as a mother’s helper was a picnic compared to the day-in day-out demands of motherhood.
‘Oh, sweetheart,’ she said and, suddenly exhausted, sank down on the steps. ‘Forget do-able. What about sensible? What about responsible? We’ve talked about birth control. You could have used it.’
‘You’re missing the point, Mom,’ Lily said, moving close to hug Susan’s arm. ‘I want this baby. I know I can be a good mother – even better than the moms we worked for this summer, and I have the best role model in you. You always said being a mother was wonderful. You said you loved me from the start. You said I was the best thing that ever happened to you.’
Susan wasn’t mollified. ‘I also said that being a single mom was hard and that I never wanted you to have to struggle the way I did. So – so think beyond college. You say you want to be a biologist, but that means grad school. If you want a good research position—’
‘I want a baby.’
‘A baby isn’t only for the summer, and it doesn’t stay a baby for long. He or she walks and talks and becomes a real person. And what about the father then?’
‘I told you. He doesn’t know.’
‘He has a right to.’
‘Why? He had no say in this.’
‘And that’s fair, Lily?’ Susan asked. ‘What if the baby looks exactly like him? Don’t you think people will talk?’
A hint of stubbornness crossed Lily’s face. ‘I don’t care if people talk.’
‘Maybe the father will. What if he comes up to you and asks why this child who was born nine months after the time you had sex has his hair and eyes? And what happens when your child wants to know about his father? You were asking by the time you were two. Some kids do still have daddies, y’know. So now it’s your turn to be the mommy. What’ll you say?’
Lily frowned. ‘I’ll go there when I have to. Mom, you’re making this harder than it needs to be. Right now, the baby’s father does not have to know.’
‘But it’s his baby, too,’ Susan argued. Desperate for someone to blame, she sorted through the possibilities. ‘Is it Evan?’
‘I’m not telling who it is.’
‘Do I know him?’ Susan wondered if Lily was stonewalling for a reason. ‘Was he the one who wanted the baby?’
Lily pulled her arm free. ‘Mom,’ she cried, hazel eyes flashing, ‘listen to me! He doesn’t know. We never talked about a baby. He thought I was on the pill. I did this. Me.’
Which, of course, was one of the things Susan found so hard to swallow. It was like a slap in the face, a repudiation of everything she had tried to teach her daughter.
Desperate to understand, she said, ‘Are you sure it wasn’t an accident? I mean, it’s okay if it was. Accidents happen.’ Lily shook her head. ‘You just decided you wanted a baby.’
‘I’ve always wanted a baby.’
‘A sibling,’ Susan said, because, when she was little, Lily had begged for one.
‘Now I’m old enough to have my own, and I know you might not have chosen to be pregnant seventeen years ago, but I did. It’s my body, my life.’
Susan had raised Lily to be independent and strong, but cavalier? No. Especially not when there were realities to face. ‘Who’ll pay the medical bills?’
‘We have insurance.’
‘With premiums to which I contribute every month,’ Susan pointed out, ‘so the answer is me. I’ll pay the medical bills. What about diapers? And formula?’
‘I’ll breast-feed.’
‘Which is wonderful if it works, but sometimes it doesn’t, in which case you’ll need formula. And what about solid food and clothes? And equipment. They won’t let you leave the hospital without an approved car seat, and do you know what a good stroller costs? No, I don’t still have your old one, because I sold it years ago to buy you a bike. And what about day-care while you’re finishing school? I’d love to stay home with the baby myself, but one of us has to work.’
‘Dad will help,’ Lily said in a small voice.
Yes. Rick would. But was Susan looking forward to asking? Absolutely not.
Lily’s eyes filled with tears. ‘I really want this baby.’
‘You can have a baby, but there’s a better time!’ Susan cried.
‘I am not having an abortion.’
‘No one’s suggesting one.’
‘I already heard my baby’s heartbeat. You should have listened to it, Mom. It was amazing.’
Susan was having trouble accepting that her daughter was pregnant, much less that there was an actual baby alive inside.
‘It has legs and elbows. It has ears, and this week it’s developing vocal cords. I know all this, Mom. I’m doing my homework.’
‘Then I take it,’ Susan said in a voice she couldn’t control, ‘that you read how pregnant teens are at greater risk for complications.’ It was partly her mother’s voice. The rest was that of the failed educator whose crusade had been keeping young girls from doing what she had done. That educator had failed on her own doorstep.
‘I stopped on the way home for the vitamins,’ Lily said meekly. ‘Do you think the baby’s okay?’
As annoyed as she was – as disappointed as she was – a frightened Lily could always reach her. ‘Yes, it’s okay,’ she said. ‘I was just making a point.’
That easily reassured, Lily smiled. ‘Think I’ll have a girl like you did?’ She didn’t seem to need an answer, which was good, since Susan didn’t have one. ‘If it’s a girl, she’s already forming ovaries. And she’s this big.’ She spread her thumb and forefinger several inches apart. ‘My baby can think. Its brain can give signals to its limbs to move. If I could put my finger exactly where it is, it would react to my touch. It’s a real human being. There is no way I could have an abortion.’
‘Please, Lily. Have I asked you to get one?’
‘No, but maybe when you start thinking about it, you will.’
‘Did I abort you?’
‘No, but you’re angry.’
Susan shot a pleading glance at the near-naked tops of the trees. ‘Oh, Lily, I’m so many things beside angry that I can’t begin to explain. We’re at a good place now, but it hasn’t come easy. I’ve had to work twice as hard as most mothers. You, of all people, should know that.’
‘Because I’m a good daughter? Does my being pregnant make me a bad one?’
‘No, sweetheart. No.’ It had nothing to do with good and bad. Susan had argued this with her own mother.
‘But you’re disappointed.’