But much to his annoyance, Oswin Fielding started to talk about a golden monkey called Guoliang, which had belonged to the Queen. ‘It was a gift from the President of China following his state visit in 2005,’ he explained.
Balthazar Jones was not the least bit interested in golden monkeys, royal or not. He glanced out of the window and wondered whether the equerry had come about his lamentable record for catching pickpockets, which was the worst amongst the Beefeaters. By the time he opened his ears again, he realised that Oswin Fielding was still discussing the late Guoliang.
‘The creature’s death has caused Her Majesty immense personal sorrow,’ the equerry was saying, shaking his head, which barely possessed sufficient hair to warrant such a meticulous parting. ‘Someone at the Palace looked up its name, and discovered it means “May the Country Be Kind”, which makes its demise even more unfortunate. It caused the most stupendous diplomatic row. Golden monkeys are indigenous to China and there aren’t many of them left. We explained that we even got in a feng shui expert to redesign the enclosure as soon as it appeared off-colour, but the Chinese didn’t seem that impressed. For some reason they had got it into their heads that it would be kept at Buckingham Palace. But with the exception of horses, the Queen keeps all animals given to her by heads of state at London Zoo. Which is just as well, as the Palace is enough of a monkey house as it is.’ The courtier paused. ‘Don’t repeat that,’ he added hastily.
Just as Balthazar Jones could take no more, Oswin Fielding adjusted his rimless spectacles and announced that he had something of the utmost importance to tell him. The Beefeater stopped breathing.
‘As you will know, relations between Britain and China are in a rather delicate state, and as an emerging super power we need to keep them on side,’ the courtier said firmly. ‘No one has forgotten those unfortunate comments made by the Duke of Edinburgh, either. As a gesture of goodwill, China has sent Her Majesty a second golden monkey. Shame, really, as they haven’t got the most attractive combination of features – a snub nose, blue cheeks and hair the same colour as Sarah Ferguson’s. Anyway, the Queen is stuck with it. To make matters worse, the Chinese also noticed the similarity in hair colour, and have named it the Duchess of York. The Queen is understandably rather unsettled by that.’
The Beefeater was about to ask why exactly he had wanted to see him, but the equerry continued.
‘While the Queen has the utmost respect for London Zoo, she has decided to move the new monkey, as well as all her other gifts of animals that are kept there, to a more intimate location. The problem is that foreign rulers always take it as a personal slight if their creature dies.’
The courtier then leant forward conspiratorially. ‘I’m sure you’ve guessed where the animals are to be newly lodged,’ he said.
‘I can’t imagine,’ replied Balthazar Jones, who was contemplating fetching himself a pint.
Oswin Fielding then lowered his voice and announced: ‘They are going to be transferred to the Tower to form a new royal menagerie.’
The Beefeater wondered whether the rain had rusted his eardrums.
‘It’s not as daft an idea as it sounds,’ the man from the Palace insisted. ‘Exotic beasts were kept at the Tower from the thirteenth century. Foreign powers continued to send the monarchy animals over the years, and the menagerie became an immensely popular tourist attraction. It didn’t close until the 1830s.’
Like all the Beefeaters, Balthazar Jones was well aware that the Tower had housed a menagerie, and often pointed out the remains of the Lion Tower to the tourists. He could even have told the equerry that the elephants were given red wine by their keepers to banish the cold, and that the lions were rumoured to have been able to determine whether or not a woman was a virgin, tales he used to stun the more irritating visitors into silence. But he didn’t utter a word.
Oswin Fielding continued: ‘Her Majesty very much hopes that the new menagerie will increase the number of visitors to the Tower, which has been declining.’ He paused before adding: ‘Hirsute gentlemen in antiquated uniforms are not much of an attraction these days. No disrespect to you, your trousers, or your beard.’
He paused yet again, but the only movement that came from the Beefeater was a raindrop plunging from the brim of his hat. Slowly, the courtier raised his eyes from the spot where it had landed.
‘It’s a little-known fact that Her Majesty is rather partial to tortoises,’ he said. ‘She is aware that you are in possession of the world’s oldest specimen, which, of course, is a source of great national pride. Such an animal undoubtedly requires the most tender care.’ And with a triumphant smile the man from the Palace added: ‘The Queen can think of no one better than you to oversee the project.’
Oswin Fielding patted Balthazar Jones on the shoulder, and then reached underneath the table to dry his hand on his trouser leg. As he stood up, he warned the Beefeater not to tell anyone of the plan, particularly the Chief Yeoman Warder, as details had yet to be ironed out. ‘We’re hoping to transfer the Queen’s animals in about three weeks’ time, and give them a few days to settle in before opening the menagerie to the public,’ he said.
Announcing that he would be in touch shortly, he put on his coat, and walked out with his splendid umbrella. Balthazar Jones remained on the red leather stool unable to move. He didn’t manage the monumental task of getting to his feet until he was asked to leave by the infuriated landlady who complained that the stench of mothballs had caused her canary to faint, and it had landed in the slops tray.
It had stopped raining by the time Hebe Jones returned to the Tower, having left work early on account of her headache. The sky remained an obstinate shade of used bathwater, ready to disgorge a second filthy load at any moment. She nodded at the Yeoman Gaoler, the Chief Yeoman Warder’s deputy, who was sitting in a black hut at the entrance to the Tower, a three-bar electric fire preventing the damp from decomposing his toes. When he enquired about the visit from the man from the Palace, Hebe Jones replied that there had been no such thing, or her husband would have called to inform her. But the Beefeater backed up the sighting with a further nine eyewitness accounts, each of whom he named while unfurling a plump finger.
‘Don’t sprout where you haven’t been planted,’ Hebe Jones snapped, and continued through the gates. Her passage was soon thwarted by a suffocation of tourists staring at the Beefeaters’ terrace houses along Mint Street. Feeling more than ever the weight of her supermarket shopping in each hand, she squeezed her way sideways up Water Lane, wishing that the visitors would indulge their lunatic weakness for British history elsewhere. As she passed Cradle Tower, she was struck sharply in the chest by a rucksack whose owner had turned to see the window from where two prisoners had escaped on a rope stretched across the moat in the sixteenth century. Once she had caught her breath, she continued on her journey, seeing nothing but the Greek cottage of her fantasies.
Arriving at the Salt Tower, she searched for the key that failed to fit into a pocket, and discovered that it had already torn the lining of her new handbag. After turning it in the lock, a feat that required both of her doll-sized hands, she made her way up the steps with half her bags, the narrowness of the spiral stairs preventing her from carrying them all up in one go. As she started her descent for the second load, gripping the filthy rope handrail that still bore the sweat of the condemned, she wondered, as she often did, how many of them had kept their heads.
She put away the shopping, and started to wash the breakfast dishes, remembering the argument with her husband that morning. After losing Milo, instead of clinging to each other cheek-to-cheek as they had throughout their marriage, the couple had found themselves swimming in opposite directions as they battled to survive. When one needed to talk about the tragedy, the other wanted to experience the fleeting seconds of tranquillity they had found. They eventually ended up collapsed on distant shores, marooned by their grief, and aiming their anger over losing him at each other.
As she scrubbed, she looked up at the picture on the wall in front of her depicting the Salt Tower in wobbly pencil strokes, coloured