A Year of New Adventures: The hilarious romantic comedy that is perfect for the summer holidays. Maddie Please

knees to be honest and I had to make myself think about something else so I didn’t blush.

      Tax returns, grouting, Brussels sprouts.

      Oliver was pushing me gently to one side by this point. ‘What do you weigh?’ he said.

      ‘I’m not telling you!’

       What sort of question was that to ask?

      He tutted a bit.

      ‘Ballpark?’

      ‘I’m not as big as a ballpark! Oh I see what you mean. About nine and a half stone,’ I lied.

      ‘Hmm.’

      He came round to stand in front of me and put his hands under my elbows. He lifted me off the ground very slightly. It was very unnerving.

      ‘I’d say nearer ten and a half,’ he said.

      ‘Bloody cheek! I’ll have you know—’

      ‘Shush. If someone did this what would you do?’

      He put his hands very gently on my throat, his thumbs in the classic strangling position.

      I pushed him off. ‘Do you mind? You’re freaking me out here! What the hell are you doing anyway?’

      ‘Look I’m just having a bit of a problem. I need to know what an average woman would do.’

      ‘Speaking as a far from average woman, I’d say she would knee him in the nether regions. And scream.’

      ‘Hmm. And if she was shorter than you?’

      ‘You’d have to ask a shorter woman,’ I said acidly, ‘if you can find one.’

      He put his hands back near my throat and hmm-hmmed a bit more.

      ‘Look, what exactly are you doing?’ I said.

      ‘I’m trying to work out what would happen if a sensible woman of average height and weight was put in this position. She’s in a ruined house in Istanbul, in the dark with a man who has been following her on and off for about five chapters.’

      ‘Your basic premise has significant flaws. No sensible woman would put herself in a ruined house in the dark. We’re not stupid you know.’

      ‘I didn’t say she was stupid—’

      ‘But she would be exceptionally stupid if she allowed a man to follow her for five chapters, presumably intimidate her, and then chase her into a ruined house in the dark. It’s like every version of Dracula