Along with my sister, my other childhood partner in crime was the boy who lived across the road. We spent our evenings and the gloriously long summers walking his dog in the nearby woods, practicing skate tricks, and sneaking into the local farmer’s hay barn and climbing all the way to the top of the bales, where we’d lie giggling and coughing in the clouds of straw and dust. Sometimes, if it was raining, I’d hide up in the hayloft on my own with a good book and read, listening to the raindrops drumming on the steel roof.
Two threads wove through my earliest years: one was faith and the other was music. Our local church felt like a second home to me, and I was taken to my first service within days of being born. My grandparents on my mother’s side, who had left their careers in England and moved to Africa as missionaries, were well known throughout our Pentecostal denomination. They came back from Africa once a year to visit us, often around Christmastime. They’d tell us stories of life in Harare, Zimbabwe, showing us photos of the Bible school they ran and of landmarks like Victoria Falls.
While home in England, they’d gather spare clothes and shoes from everyone in our church and ship them back to Zimbabwe to distribute among those in need when they returned. Hearing their stories prompted my earliest dream: to be a missionary in some remote part of the world, preaching, teaching, and pastoring. I remember, around the age of six, when my teacher asked our class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Most children replied, “A footballer,” or “A film star,” or “A doctor.” Not me. I answered resolutely, “I want to be a missionary.” My grandparents had become heroes to me, and I wanted to follow in their footsteps and make them proud.
Christian faith felt as natural to me as breathing. It was not a rigid, cold, distant religion, but a genuine heartfelt relationship with God. Prayer never seemed formal either—for me it was just a conversation. At five years old, I walked around the schoolyard chatting with God about my day so far, sharing the highs and lows of my little life. God felt like a friend and a confidant. When I looked out my window at night and saw the moon and stars, my small mind spun with questions about where heaven was located, what angels looked like, and whether I’d ever see my recently deceased (and much-loved) hamster again someday.
Our church, part of the Pentecostal tradition, was always relaxed and upbeat, with music played on guitars, drums, and keyboards and everyone wearing casual clothes. It was a world away from the choirs, pipe organs, incense, and people wearing their Sunday best, found in more formal places of worship.
There were always new faces each Sunday, and everyone was made to feel at home. Refugees from other nations, students who’d moved away from their parents to study at Kent University, homeless men and women, elderly folks in need of a hug and a chat—all received a warm welcome. Our lunches buzzed with the energy of connection as lonely people found community and hungry people received a meal. It was church doing what church is meant to: loving people with grace and kindness.
My mum led the musical part of the worship service every Sunday at church and at weekday prayer meetings. She was a prolific songwriter, penning something new every week without fail. After the sermon, there would be a time of reflection and she would play her latest song—it was her way of serving the church community, using her gift to help others.
Mum worked on her new song during the week at home, in the snatched moments that any parent makes use of while raising kids. So while I was building with Lego blocks or arranging my stuffed animals in rows, she would grab ten minutes to craft her latest song. As soon as I could shake a tambourine or rattle a maraca, I joined in on Sundays, toddling up to the front to stand next to her and trying to keep time with the song.
Our church taught that the Bible was literally true, word for word, so Adam and Eve were considered actual humans who historically existed. The talking snake in the book of Genesis was considered historical too, as was the speaking donkey in the book of Numbers. Everything had happened exactly as it was written.
A few members of the church went out with presentations about Creationism in their spare time, trying to disprove the scientific evidence behind evolution. Medicine was suspect, as people believed in God’s healing power, and we heard stories of people like Kathryn Kuhlman, Smith Wigglesworth, Aimee Semple McPherson, and Benny Hinn, who (allegedly) healed thousands by the power of prayer.
There was a firm belief that God still did miracles today, so when the pastor gave an altar call, people would come forward and stand at the front to be prayed for. Many spoke in tongues—something described in the New Testament as an unknown language given to believers by God. Sometimes, when prayed for at the altar, these people would fall down—“slain in the spirit”—when the Holy Spirit was thought to have powerfully touched them.
When I was four years old, my first job at church was to carry a small basket of cloths. These were known as “modesty protectors.” If during the altar call a woman was “slain in the spirit” and fell down, I would carry my little basket of cloths to where she was lying. If her skirt or dress had accidentally found its way above her knees, I would lay one of the cloths over her legs to protect her “modesty.” I felt very adult and responsible as I trotted around and carried out this important task.
For most of the service, we children had our own meeting in a different part of the building: kids’ church. It was a place for the under-twelves to go while the adults listened to the sermon, as the preaching often lasted for forty-five minutes. In kids’ church we had our own teachers, songs, and picture books; it was a lot of fun.
One thing baffled me though. The picture-book Bible that was read to us had some very disturbing images and stories. The double-page illustration of Noah and the flood left me bewildered about why so many people were pictured in the throes of death, flailing in the foaming waters. The next page showed Sodom and Gomorrah burning to the ground with hundreds of people, charred and frightened, running to escape the flames.
We were told Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed because of the “sin of homosexuality.” When a bold child piped up, asking, “What is homosexuality?” the only reply given was “We can’t talk about that until you’re older—just know that it’s something very bad.” In my tiny mind, this instilled the knowledge that whatever homosexuality is, it must be terrible indeed.
The picture-book Bible also told the story of Moses and the Israelites fleeing captivity in Egypt. God had struck the Egyptians with various plagues when they refused to release the Israelites from slavery, culminating in the murder of every Egyptian firstborn boy. The artwork showed parents sobbing, holding their dead children in their arms, as Moses led his people out of captivity toward the promised land. It was a lot for a child to take in.
Another page showed Abraham sacrificing his little son, Isaac, as God had asked him to. He’d tied the boy up with ropes and raised a knife over the child, ready to kill him. The story ended with God telling Abraham, at the very last moment before he stabbed the child to death, not to murder the boy after all; it had been a test of his faithfulness. This too seemed an extremely violent and frightening story.
Even as a child, I had a hundred questions. What about all the people who drowned in Noah’s flood—did they really need to die? What about everyone who was burned in Sodom and Gomorrah? What about the Egyptian baby boys who were slaughtered—how could that be fair? How did Isaac ever recover from the trauma of being tied up by his dad and almost knifed to death? Why was all of this portrayed as okay? And how could these stories be the work of a loving God? My mind spun. It didn’t feel safe to ask any of these questions at kids’ church, and I felt bad for thinking them in the first place.
Many of our worship songs were about love and forgiveness, but others contained military language and reminded me of the more violent Bible stories. Hymns had lyrics like: “Onward Christian soldiers, marching out to war, with the cross of Jesus going on before. Christ, the royal Master, leads against the foe; forward into battle see his banners go. Like a mighty army moves the Church of God.”
More modern songs also reflected these themes: “The victory is the Lord’s; we’ve just begun to fight,” “The Lord is a warrior,” and “Our God