MUM’S TAKE
Jamie communicates through the majesty of sport
‘I always thought she was going to end up representing New Zealand in a national sport of some kind. She was very shy unless she was playing sport. At primary school she asked me if she could join an after-school dance class — this really surprised me.’
It was different to primary school where the sports people are like superheroes. I wasn’t the cool girl any more — I was just the manic sports freak playing badminton, soccer, tennis, squash, and T-ball. I was honestly obsessed with sport; I even made the front page of the Napier Mail for being all-round sports champ of the world. That was my first taste of fame, my big beaming face in the paper with a sensational bowl cut.
‘YOUTUBE RUINED MY RIPPED MUSCULAR BODY — YOU GUYS OWE ME FOR THAT. I’LL ACCEPT PROTEIN POWDER SACHETS IN MY PO BOX.’
DAD’S TAKE
Sporty Jamie’s shoelace strategy
Don’t know if I want to read this…
‘I was most proud of Jamie during a Hawke’s Bay badminton tournament. Before the game, I took her aside and told her to “do a Colin Meads” [Colin Meads is one of the most famous All Black rugby players of all time, by the way]. That’s when, if you feel like the opposition is gaining on you, slow down the momentum. After the third set, the girl she was playing with was starting to pull away. Jamie looked at me, and then dropped down to her knees and re-tied her shoelaces. She stifled the pace after that and was able to bring down the NZ champion. I’ve never been prouder. I think people need to know that side of her; she’s made herself geeky but she’s not as uncoordinated as she appears.’
Mum would race me around everywhere after school every day. I’d go from soccer training to tennis to whatever other sporting event was on. You should have seen me back then — I was so muscly. Then I just suddenly let myself go. Fitness doesn’t matter as much to me any more, although I wish it did. I had to give it all up because of YouTube. Every weekend I’ll be travelling around now. I’m so unfit now, even though I know that exercise is so important. I’m starting my new life on Monday, I swear. YouTube ruined my ripped muscular body — you guys owe me for that. I’ll accept protein powder sachets in my PO Box.
I was pretty oblivious to the rest of the world before high school. I just played sport all the time, and then I’d come home and bounce on the trampoline for hours or just dig holes. I’m talking literally about massive holes — there’s a huge one in our backyard that still hasn’t been filled in. I was basically a child-sized mole. I would dig all the way down and then back up so I could make a jump for my bike. Oh yeah, it could fit a bike by the way — it was legit. I dug stairs into the side of it, and slowly moved a whole heap of furniture down there. I’d chill out on my deck chair next to all this hoarded stuff. The hole was pretty much a self-contained apartment towards the end. Pity it didn’t have a roof.
‘THE HOLE WAS PRETTY MUCH A SELF-CONTAINED APARTMENT TOWARDS THE END. PITY IT DIDN’T HAVE A ROOF.’
DAD’S TAKE
Jamie eats the whole pi
‘In Jamie’s first year at Sacred Heart school, part of her homework one night was learning about pi in maths. After school she had tennis practice at her local tennis club and her mum, Bronwyn, was running late. To fill in time at the tennis club, Jamie started reading up on pi.
A week later in class, the teacher asked if anyone could recall any of the numbers of pi. The class went silent. After a while, Jamie stood up and proceeded to recall the numbers 3.141592653589793238462643383279. I believe she had memorised up to thirty digits past the decimal point.’
When I wasn’t in my hole I remember eating my lunch by myself a lot during this phase of my life. It was pretty sad. I don’t know what I did for fun when I spent all those lunchtimes alone. I used to play touch rugby sometimes. I’d bring a rugby ball to school and everyone knew I had it so that was my way of getting in with them. Bringing a ball to school is a great way to make friends if you have nothing else to offer. They see the ball and they’re like, ‘You can hang with us.’ It doesn’t matter how weird your bob cut is.
‘BRINGING A BALL TO SCHOOL IS A GREAT WAY TO MAKE FRIENDS IF YOU HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO OFFER.’
Please Don’t Bully the Poor Kid in the Cowboy Hat
‘IT COULD HAVE BEEN THAT I WORE A COWBOY HAT FOR SEVERAL YEARS STRAIGHT … BUT WE’LL NEVER REALLY KNOW WHY I STRUGGLED TO MAKE FRIENDS.’
EVERYONE I’M FRIENDS WITH NOW ALWAYS teases me about what I used to be like. They all thought I was so weird, and they still remind me of that constantly now. I don’t know what it was. Could have been the sportiness. Could have been that I didn’t brush my hair for a year. It could have been that I wore a cowboy hat for several years straight … but we’ll never really know why I struggled to make friends.
Jamie’s tried and tested advice for social situation nerves
I was a really weird kid, and I’ve grown into a really weird adult. But I’m a child of the Internet, and the Internet is full of useful life hacks. I’ve assembled some of my tried and tested life hacks to combat nerves in social situations. Hopefully, they are helpful to you or anyone else you know cowering behind their customised cowboy hat.
Don’t be a lone wolf, be a wolf pack
Don’t isolate yourself from the situation by standing far away from everyone. If you stand next to a group of people that are talking, eventually they will bring you in if they are good people. Even if it takes months, years. Wait it out, be a magnet to them and eventually something’s gotta stick.
Turn on your Chatty Cathy radar and pounce
Find the loudest person in the room and stand next to them; you’ll at least get a healthy tan from their radiant confidence. And they’ll talk to you, because they’ll talk to anyone. You can practise saying things to them, and it won’t matter if you muck up because they will not be listening to you 100% of the time.
Don’t rush, slow it down to Chinatown
The world isn’t actually going to explode if you don’t say something witty, smart or cool in the next five seconds. Feel free to think long and hard before you say things. Take your sweet time talking if it’s something that you need to do to feel more confident. People can wait, just don’t take hours to ask someone what time it is. It will be way later by the time the question is over, and will just confuse everyone.
Find your feet, and when I say feet I mean voice
I know it might be cliché, but I’ve learnt it’s really hard to write a book