HarperCollinsPublishers 77-85 Fulham Palace Road, Hammersmith, London W6 8JB www.harpercollins.co.uk First published by HarperCollins Publishers 2015 FIRST EDITION © Jamie Curry 2015 A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library Front cover photograph by Sally Tagg. Back cover and internal photos courtesy of the author, except where indicated. Illustrations by Matt Stanton, HarperCollins Design Studio While every effort has been made to trace the owners of copyright material reproduced herein and secure permissions, the publishers would like to apologise for any omissions and will be pleased to incorporate missing acknowledgements in any future edition of this book. The author asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books. Find out about HarperCollins and the environment at www.harpercollins.co.uk/green Source ISBN 978-0-00-815941-2 Ebook Edition © November 2015 ISBN: 9780008159429 Version: 2015-10-30
Contents
Copyright
INTRODUCTION: Hi! lol. Here goes nothing …
CHAPTER 1: That’s not a rocket: baby me calls a box a box
CHAPTER 2: My double life as a sports superhero and amateur hole-digger
CHAPTER 3: Please don’t bully the poor kid in the cowboy hat
CHAPTER 4: Finally, a comedy star is born (jokes)
CHAPTER 5: Risky tomato sauce heists at high school
CHAPTER 6: The unexpected yet natural birth of Jamie’s World
CHAPTER 7: Dealing with my cool life online
CHAPTER 8: When I started getting recognised
CHAPTER 9: Don’t press this leopard’s panic button
CHAPTER 10: I’m so OCD — no, like, literally
CHAPTER 11: This is a job! Wait, what?
CHAPTER 12: How do I adult?
How do I end a book if I can’t even end a video?
Photo Section
About the Publisher
‘HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO START A WHOLE BIG BOOK WHEN I CAN’T EVEN START A VIDEO PROPERLY?’
HI, HELLO. HI THERE. HOWDY DO. OH LOOK, I’ve ruined it already. I don’t really know how to start a book. Look at me. How am I supposed to start a whole big book when I can’t even start a video properly, as I’m sure you are well aware? I’ve decided to call this book They Let Me Write a Book!, because that’s about how I am feeling right now, and I’m sure ‘they’ are feeling right now. Whoever they are. All out there united in wondering why on Earth this is all happening. Why have I been given the power over all of this blank paper? Why me? I ask that question every day.
When ‘they’ asked me to come up with a title, I imagined that I was an eight-year-old who had just been asked to write a book. Don’t ask me why I chose eight, and didn’t just go with nineteen like I am now. I think eight-year-olds have enough of a brain going to make decisions, but haven’t lived long enough to let annoying life stuff get in the way of their impulses. So here I am, eight-year-old me, deciding what to call my book.
My first eight-year-old reaction, as has been the reaction of everyone around me, was THEY let ME write a BOOK?! So I thought I should run with that. Just to make it very clear from the very beginning: I’m as surprised as you are that all of this is happening.
If you have picked this book up in a public toilet, or if it was being used to prop up a desk in your office, you are probably feeling pretty confused right now. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Jamie, I’m nineteen years old. I make videos on the Internet, and enough people watched them that they let me write a book. I know. I can’t tell you what’s going on with the world either. What is life?
‘JUST TO MAKE IT VERY CLEAR FROM THE VERY BEGINNING: I’M AS SURPRISED AS YOU ARE THAT ALL OF THIS IS HAPPENING.’
That’s Not a Rocket: Baby Me Calls a Box a Box
‘WELCOME TO JAMIE’S WORLD: I’M PUSHING THE TROLLEY BUT THERE’S NOBODY IN IT TO STEER.’
I THINK I HAVE A HANDLE ON MYSELF NOW, but I don’t really remember when I first knew that I was a person. My earliest memory is probably of being at kindergarten, pushing around this special trolley that had a steering wheel in it. There was nobody inside it, so nobody was steering the wheel. That’s not only my first memory, but my first of many memories where I have done something wrong and embarrassing. Welcome to Jamie’s World: I’m pushing the trolley but there’s nobody in it to steer. That’s got to be a symbol of something for sure. What am I doing? Who am I steering? What’s my plan of attack? Take notes, there will be a quiz at the end.
Invisible friends sitting in trolleys aside, I wasn’t actually the most imaginative of kids. I don’t even think that I had an imagination until I was about eight. The same age I picture myself being able to come up with this book title. Before eight, if you caught me jumping off a box, I’d be saying ‘I’m jumping off this box’ rather than ‘I’m jumping off this rocket ship’. I called a box a box. I wasn’t messing around with ideas and make-believe. But I was happy. I was probably the happiest kid of all time, which I’m sure was very annoying to everyone around me. Nothing has really changed since I was that little kid on a box. Now I just annoy people from a different kind of box.
‘NOTHING HAS REALLY CHANGED