This is merely the tip of the astrological iceberg. You’ll get a chill down your spine when you find out what it means to be born on your birthday. Read on, my friends,
and weep.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Title Page
Introduction
ADVERSE ARIES
March 20 to April 19
TRAGIC TAURUS
April 20 to May 20
DEGENERATE GEMINI May 21 to June 21
CONTEMPTIBLE CANCER June 22 to July 22
LAME LEO July 23 to August 22
VEXED VIRGO August 23 to September 22
LOUSY LIBRA September 23 to October 23
SURLY SCORPIO October 24 to November 22
STINKING SAGITTARIUS November 23 to December 21
CURSED CAPRICORN December 22 to January 20
AWFUL AQUARIUS January 21 to February 18
PLAGUED PISCES February 19 to March 20
Acknowledgments
Copyright
About the Publisher
MARCH 20 TO APRIL 19
Aries is the boss of it all, or at least the Ram’s strut makes it clear that he or she thinks they own the joint. What is it about Aries that makes them so confident? Is it their natural-born intellect—um, yeah, no, not so much. Aries, just like the powerful, muscular man-sheep that represents them in the cosmic zodiac, have way more brawn than brains. Their handy horns and blind, dumb ambition open doors for them that they could otherwise never have figured out how to work. Aries will just keep at it, battering down obstacles—left, right, and center—until they meet their goals.
It’s not that Aries are sociopaths or anything like that, it’s just that they really don’t care about other people very deeply. They can still operate within a family unit, and show up to birthday parties and ballet recitals, but the only real charge they get is from locking horns with the world and getting their destiny on track. They want to climb every mountain, ford every stream, find every rainbow… you get the picture. Arians need to find their own way in the world and deeply resent anyone who tries to make things easier for them. If there’s a choice between a clear-cut hiking trail and a wooded-over, lesser-traveled path, it’s pretty damn obvious which one the Aries is going to take.
Aries, you don’t tolerate any social funny-business. If someone uses the word “can’t” you might literally lose your mind. You rarely put something off, but when you do, it’s because you’re calculating your plan of attack. When other people put something off, it’s because they’re complete lazy-asses—and you’ll tell them that to their face. You don’t have a problem playing the “bad guy” and laying down the law. It seems as though you would not be invited to happy hour very often, but for some reason people like to have you around. Your swagger makes everyone else feel just a tad cooler. Don’t be too flattered, though. They all talk about you behind your back.
LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS WITH ADVERSE ARIES
The best thing you can do to pique an Arian’s interest is to act like you’re not interested. That’s basically the cardinal rule for interacting with an Aries. They love the chase and if you offer yourself up on a silver platter, they will immediately become disinterested. Aries will absolutely let you know exactly how he or she feels about you when the time is right—they are not shy with expressing their feelings and intentions. You have to treat an Aries like a fish on a hook once you capture their interest, letting the line out a little bit and then drawing it back in, then out again, then in again… and then they’ll be fully hooked.
Unfortunately, keeping an Aries on the hook once you’ve caught him or her is a highly physical and exhausting proposition. Aries needs the flames of passion to be consistently blazing—so try to keep things fun, exciting, and adventurous. Otherwise, an Aries may promptly lose interest and seek the heat elsewhere. Loving an Aries is like loving an erupting volcano. You’re almost certain that you’ll be burned—it’s practically a statistical certainty—but it’s so thrilling that you have to at least try.
Aries is very competitive, and sees his or her romantic partner as a possession, a prize to be won or lost. If you want to rendezvous with an Aries, you should look the part of a trophy date—nothing will make the Ram prouder than strutting around with a hottie on his or her arm. Conversely, if you aren’t at your smokin’ hottest, don’t expect Aries to roll out the red carpet for you. They will notice when you bring it, and when you’d prefer to be at home in front of the television wearing sweats. Aries is more terrified than other signs of growing old and irrelevant, so if their date admits they’d prefer to be at home watching Netflix, Aries might panic, run out for the evening, and find somebody new to tickle their fancy.
CHECKLIST FOR DATING AN ADVERSE ARIES
You’ll need at least half of these things to have a successful relationship with an Adverse Aries.
Sex appeal: Just remember, if it weren’t for the promise of regular intimacy and sexual intercourse, Aries would just stay single for ever. In Aries’s mind, his or her lover needs to fulfill their part of the bargain by looking—and acting—like their sexual fantasy.
Thick skin: Arians say what’s on their mind. They don’t sugar-coat it, they don’t cushion it, and they certainly don’t hold back… and that’s when they’re in a good mood. When they fall into a bad temper, you really need to toughen up. You have to be able to take what they dish out without falling apart, or they will lose their respect for you.
Affection: More than just hooking up, Aries needs to feel like they are important to you. If you find ways to show your affection and appreciation, like surprising him or her with flowers or some light poetry action, Aries will really value your efforts. Just don’t err on the side of cheesiness, or Aries will suspect that you’re just putting on an act.
Truth: Do not lie to an Aries. Aries will always tell you the truth, and if he or she finds out that you’ve lied… you’re toast. Don’t even try to stretch the truth. Don’t omit the important facts. Just come to the table naked and honest and be who you really are. Aries will admire that. They may not want to date the “real” you, but they’ll at least respect you.
A backbone: Your Aries will argue, insist, and even manipulate to get his or her way. Don’t give in. Respect is a cornerstone to a successful relationship with a Ram, and if you are constantly bowing to his or her demands, you’ll seem very weak. If you need to, practice saying, “No. Not this time,” in the mirror until you’re ready to actually try it out on your Aries partner.
Loose reins: Whatever you do, don’t try to control Aries. It won’t go over well at all. Aries needs to be free and independent to make their own choices, and if you come between them and their passions, you will be the one to get burned.
ADVERSE ARIES COMPATIBILITY
ARIES