‘You’ve forgotten the traffic jams. You’ve forgotten how long it took to get in and out of Cornwall. It’s bad enough as it is,’ Zoë said.
‘What? Oh … No, I haven’t forgotten. All the same, Cornwall will be one long dual carriageway lined with housing estates and supermarkets in ten years’ time.’
‘You sound like my dad.’
Josh laughed. ‘So, how’s the teaching going, then?’
‘OK. I like Bristol. The house I share is in a really nice area. I can walk to school.’
‘Got a boyfriend?’
Zoë hesitated, hope flaring for a second. ‘Mind your own business,’ she said lightly. Then, ‘Have you? Got a girlfriend, I mean.’
Josh glanced at her. ‘No time at the moment. I’m at a sort of premature middle-aged crisis. I can only think about one thing at a time, which is staying fit and not pulling a muscle or doing my back in, or breaking a leg or a knee going from yomping …’
‘Yeah, well, you must be a barrel of laughs! Do you have girls on your course?’ she asked suddenly.
‘Yes.’
‘Are they like men, you know butch and lesbosses?’
Josh suddenly felt thoroughly irritated with her. ‘For heaven’s sake, Zoë! They are no different to any other bloody women. Pretty, plain, fat and thin. Stupid remark.’
Stung, Zoë was silent. It was unlike Josh to snap.
After a moment, he said, ‘Sorry.’
He knew why he was annoyed. He knew her too well. She had made the remark in the hope he would agree, thus reassuring her he wasn’t interested in anybody on the same course. He just wished she could find a bloke and they could go back to being mates.
Then you shouldn’t have bloody well slept with her, should you?
Josh groaned inwardly. He wished he could take that evening back. He had been pretty pissed, and she was so up for it, it had seemed almost insulting to walk. It had felt like incest, like fucking your sister. He was too familiar with the geography of her body; there was nothing to discover, no surprises in limbs he had known from childhood. It had all felt wrong, like the biggest mistake he had ever made. But not for Zoë, it seemed. He didn’t have the courage to say, I don’t fancy you. You are a perfectly attractive girl, but there is no chemistry. I have never felt like that about you and I never will.
They had both been too drunk to use anything and Josh had spent a month in a cold sweat every time he thought about the possible consequences. He had been lucky. It was too near home. His parents were obviously OK, but he hadn’t needed to be a brain surgeon to work out Gabby must have been pregnant when his parents married.
Gabby and Charlie were suited. He and Zoë were definitely not. When he picked a girl it was not going to be one he had gone to kindergarten with.
He saw he had really upset her. She was staring out of her side window biting her lip, trying not to let him see she felt like crying. He turned the radio on low in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere.
‘How are your parents?’
Zoë blew her nose. ‘Bloody awful. They seem worse since Andrew and I left home. Every time we go back they argue and contradict each other and vie for our attention. They are far worse than any of my infants. Andy and I don’t know why they don’t just separate. Now that we’ve left home they have absolutely nothing in common.’
Josh grinned. ‘Except arguing. Perhaps that’s what keeps them going.’
‘Andy reckons he was on the way and they had to get married. Awful, really, the way people mess up their …’ She stopped and flushed red. ‘God! Listen to me … One drink too many and it can happen to anyone …’
Josh took a deep breath. Get it over with.
‘Zo, what I most regret about that is we are not mates any more.’
Zoë looked startled. ‘Of course we are! Whatever makes you think that? We still ring each other. I tell you nearly everything.’
‘It feels different. As if you want more. I love you, Zoë, but not in that way.’
Zoë was silent, then decided on truth. ‘I suppose it is different. It’s like it never happened, or was so unimportant to you that it wasn’t worth mentioning, let alone repeating. If it had been with anyone else I would have felt much worse. At the time, I suppose I thought I’ve got to lose it sometime and I would rather it was with someone I knew.
‘The evening wasn’t … like calculated, it just sort of happened. It’s not like the earth moved for me, Josh. I just wanted you to acknowledge that it had happened. It’s as if I have to make something of it or file it under humiliation.’
Josh turned the car abruptly into a lay-by and stopped. He didn’t look at Zoë for a moment. He felt ashamed and embarrassed. She asked abruptly, ‘Do Gabby and Charlie ever argue or interrupt each other? Only, I’ve never heard them.’
Thrown, Josh looked at her puzzled. ‘No, I don’t think so. Not in front of me, anyway. Charlie and Nell argue a lot. What an odd question to suddenly ask.’
Zoë smiled. ‘You should know my magpie mind by now. I just thought, Gabby is quite young and I wondered if she got caught, like my mum; but your parents always seem happy.’
Josh turned in his seat. ‘We are talking about you, Zoë. I’m an insensitive bastard. I’m sorry. I guess I was ashamed … of myself,’ he added hastily and picked up her hand. ‘I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. It just felt wrong, Zo, like … incest … I know you so well’
‘I suppose that was my … point. I’m sorry, too, let’s forget it.’ She bent and kissed his cheek. ‘The stupid incident will fade anyway … in time.’ Like a bruise, she thought.
Josh said, because he must, ‘Despite what I’ve just said, never think it wasn’t a lovely experience for me. It was. I’m glad you chose me.’
He pulled her to him and hugged her so she could not see his face, and felt her relax against him. He did not like himself, or lying, and the dichotomy of his words did not stand up to scrutiny.
‘Tell you what,’ he said carefully, letting her go. ‘I’ll ask you up to the next party and introduce you to some good-looking soldiers.’
‘OK,’ she replied, matching his tone. ‘You’re on.’
After he had dropped Zoë off in Bristol and had criss-crossed onto the right motorway, Josh suddenly remembered what she had said.
Do Gabby and Charlie ever argue or interrupt each other? Only, I’ve never heard them.
Josh tried to think of an instance of his parents having a long conversation, about any issue other than the farm. He couldn’t. He tried to remember them arguing or having a heated debate or throwing things or raising their voices at each other, and failed. Nell and Charlie argued all the time, and Gabby and Nell talked to each other in the shorthand of familiar conversations. But he could not make a picture come of Gabby and Charlie engaging together in any fiery exchange, affectionate or otherwise. For some reason this unsettled rather than reassured him.
At the gates to Sandhurst, as he showed his pass to the soldier on the gate, he suddenly spotted a tall girl with blonde hair and sunglasses waiting to drive out the other way. He whistled under his breath and the soldier laughed.
‘Out of your league, sir. She is the Commandant’s daughter.’
Josh smiled at the girl. She was a stunner. He got back into his car and