‘For some of the people there, maybe it was enough that she was acknowledging their loss.’
Roz
‘She didn’t go far enough. If she’d spent a bit longer with each person, maybe she would have given them something more tangible. Her messages seemed pretty superficial to me. I wanted to be wowed.’
Mia
‘That wasn’t the reason I took you.’
Roz
We wandered into Abbey Square and sat on a bench, looking up at the old, stone walls.
Mia
‘What was your first impression when you went in the spiritualist church? Do you remember the atmosphere?’
Roz
‘I remember feeling awkward.’
Mia
‘Do you think anyone else felt like that?’
Roz
‘A few did. I remember looking round. I felt a bit uncomfortable about singing the hymn, too.’
Mia
‘So did a lot of other people there. And the talk seemed to go over most people’s heads – including mine. But when the medium started to say, “If I come to you acknowledge me”, and we knew she was about to start the mediumship, did you feel the change in the atmosphere?’
Roz
‘Yes, there was an undercurrent of expectation, excitement and need.’
Mia
‘That’s what I wanted to show you. It didn’t matter what the medium said, or how good her information was, it was the need that I wanted you to be aware of.’
Roz
We sat in silence, watching the pigeons and a busker with a guitar. I’d thought Mia might start our lessons by dazzling me with visions. Instead, she was showing me the human face of her work: people’s vulnerability and loss, feelings that are usually covered up.
Mia
‘The need you saw is universal. It is my hope that, at the end of our time together, when you’re faced with this need in someone, you’ll know what to do.’
Roz
In the spiritualist church – as with Robert and Louise – I’d been moved by people’s need for information about their dead loved ones, their longing for the comfort of knowing that death is not the end. Their need for reassurance was huge, and yet Mia was telling me that in six months time I was actually going to be of benefit.
‘I’m not sure I’ll ever have the skills to be useful to people in that much pain and need.’
Mia
‘I’ve shown you the end result, but when I come next time we’ll go back to the very beginning. There’s more in the world than your eyes can see – sights and colours that you have never experienced. It’s as if all your life you have been seeing in black and white and I am going to give you colour vision. I’m going to take you on a journey. I’m going to change the way you see forever.’
Mia
The night before my second visit to Roz, I couldn’t sleep. The last time we’d been together, I’d used a lot of grand words, but the nitty-gritty of how to share my knowledge still eluded me. Teaching someone to find and use their sixth sense was very different from my own experience of becoming psychic. For me it had never been a choice. The gift was thrust on me.
Twenty years on, it was a gift not a curse, but how was I going to teach all this to Roz? I decided to open up and find Eric. I got into a comfortable position and stopped all thoughts to clear my mind.
‘Eric.’
Immediately, his face was clear in my head.
‘I’m really stressed about teaching Roz. Why did I offer to give up my time and put myself under this pressure? What am I trying to prove?’
I was giving him all my angst – the truth of how inadequate and overwhelmed I felt. I finished with the biggest question of all:
‘Why am I so negative about myself?’
‘Let’s start with all the things you think are bad about yourself,’ Eric said.
He looked at me patiently.
‘That’s easy. I’m lazy, I’m selfish, I eat too much, I smoke too much, I don’t see things through, I don’t look after myself properly …’
The list seemed endless. I was still grumbling about my faults, when Eric said, ‘Now tell me the good things about yourself.’
My mind went blank. I couldn’t think of a single thing.
‘I like to help people if they’re feeling bad,’ I said at last.
That felt like a good thing. What else?
‘I think I’ve got quite nice eyes,’ I sputtered weakly.
‘And is that it?’ Eric asked gently.
I thought really hard. I still couldn’t think of another thing I liked about myself.
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘That’s it. It’s bad, isn’t it?’
‘It’s not great,’ Eric admitted, ‘but if the list was the other way around it would get in the way of you helping others. The problem is the lack of balance.’
As he spoke, I had a vision of a piece of paper with a long list of faults on one side and two words – my good points – on the other. It was a revelation. I knew this list was about self worth and I was being shown, vividly, how low my self-esteem was. But, even with that knowledge, I still couldn’t find another plus point to balance out my list.
I had never realized before quite how low my self-image was. Becoming a ‘teacher’ – someone with knowledge to impart – was bringing all my doubts to the surface. It was a shock to see that, although I liked almost everybody I came across, I didn’t like myself very much at all.
‘How is this information meant to help me then, Eric?’ I asked. ‘It’s giving me even more to worry about.’
‘The one thing that has never changed is your belief in helping other people,’ Eric said. ‘It is part of who you are. It’s the one thing that even you can’t deny yourself.’
It was true. No matter how much I put myself down, the desire to help others has always been a part of me. I recalled my earliest memory: there