‘Urgh. The “N” word.’ Jeanette really couldn’t help herself at moments like this. ‘He must really like yooouuuu,’ she said, sending her voice into a high pitch that climbed with her knowing eyebrows.
When the final day of camp came round everybody was a bit demob happy. We only had one lecture – a kind of round-up of the week’s lessons on fighting the lures of Satan.
Afterwards I was sitting on the grass with the girls when Caleb sauntered over.
‘Hi, Natacha.’
Jeanette pulled an ‘Oooohhhhh’ face silently behind his back.
‘Hi, Caleb. You want to take a walk?’ I surprised myself with my boldness, but I was desperate to escape Jeanette’s antics.
‘Sure.’
We went down through the woods to the lake. I didn’t really know what for, but I was just happy to be alone with him before we had to go our separate ways.
He took my hand in his as we walked along the shore.
‘It’s so beautiful here,’ I said, taking in the stunning view one last time.
‘I know what else is beautiful.’
I turned my head back to Caleb, catching his soft lips with mine. My head spun with the sheer joy of it and for a moment I thought I might topple into the lake. It made me cling to him even tighter. I could have stayed there for ever, except some other kids came crunching along the shoreline.
We pulled our heads apart with a little smile.
‘I guess this is goodbye, Natacha. For now.’
On the drive home I couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss. I ran my finger over my lips where his had touched mine, and hid a little smile.
I was still smiling when I walked into our kitchen. My father was sitting at the dining table poring over documents.
‘Hi, Daddy.’ I ran over to him and kissed him on the cheek. ‘What you doing?’
He ran his hand through his hair and sighed, slouching in the chair.
‘It’s my mother’s last will and testament. She died some years ago. I never knew. My sister just told me.’
‘What?’ I had never met the woman, yet somehow I instantly felt her loss. For the first time ever I thought about our other relatives. Who were they? Did they know we existed? Did they believe in Jesus like us? I had no idea what they looked like, where they lived or what kind of jobs they did. They were my blood relatives but I knew nothing about them. That realisation saddened me.
Then over dinner he made a shock announcement – we were going to pioneer a new country where The Family wasn’t known. The place we were going was called Réunion.
I didn’t really know what to think. My mother looked perfectly happy about it. She patted her belly where her ninth baby was growing inside. ‘And you would like to be born into an exciting new mission, wouldn’t you, little one?’
Matt, Marc, Vincent and I looked at each other a little bit stunned. Since moving to France my parents had been pretty much cast adrift by The Family, especially financially. If they’d wanted we could have easily left for good. The last thing we expected was for them to drag us half way round the world to be missionaries again.
Only Vincent could manage the obvious question.
‘Where’s Réunion, Daddy?’
‘It’s a little island near Madagascar. It’s a colony so they speak French, and we can get welfare there so we won’t starve either. They don’t know God and there are no Family members, so we will be true pioneers for the Lord. Sounds great, doesn’t it?’
I had very mixed feelings as we boarded the plane at Charles de Gaulle Airport. Arriving here two and a half years ago I had been a terrified child, expecting to be murdered the moment we landed. France had been unexpectedly kind, allowing us a glimpse of normality – school and a normal family life, two things I wasn’t ready to leave behind.
But as the plane descended over Réunion I felt like I was in a dream. Its rugged volcanic peaks and unspoilt coastline were matched by the inhabitants, such as the witch doctor we nearly ran over in our car as he prepared an offering of freshly slaughtered chicken, rum and fruit in the middle of the road. I’ll never forget leaving the airport and seeing a road sign warning of waterfalls ahead. We all laughed at the silliness of it, but then as we turned the next bend, there it was – a waterfall right in the middle of the road.
Friendly locals warned us from the start not to be fooled into a false sense of security by the undeniable beauty of the island. We were told to watch out for gangs of desperately poor teenagers roaming the streets, drinking and looking for opportunities to enrich themselves at someone else’s expense. When my dad heard this he immediately slapped a ban on my going anywhere without his or a brother’s supervision. The black magic, or gris gris, that Réunion’s cultural life ran on was spoken of in hushed tones in our house.
Our new home was a small concrete house surrounded by sugar-cane fields from where my father would conduct his missionary work, heading out daily to surrounding villages to spread the message. I was relieved that we were the first ones there and didn’t have to move into an established commune, as I’d had my fill of bullying children and cruel surrogate parents. My father home schooled me, something he did with a great deal of impatience. When not taking my lessons, most of my time was dedicated to helping run the house or look after my younger siblings. It was very lonely for a 14-year-old girl.
I started to get sleepless nights again, often waking up after a bad dream to find my sheets soaked in sweat. I constantly felt anxious and sad, unable to work out exactly why. It was as if I was walking around with a great big heavy rock on my head.
Marc and I had become much closer since hanging out at youth camp. I felt that of all my brothers he was the one who understood me best because we were similar types. He could tell I was going stir crazy with the sense of confinement so he persuaded my father to let him chaperone me to the beach, a short bus ride away. We spent the afternoon confiding in each other about how sad we were. Marc told me he wasn’t even sure he believed in any of our teachings any more. He’d spoken to some other boys at camp who’d had similar doubts. He was seriously thinking about leaving the group, but he had no idea how.
Chapter 14
We were all were gathered in our living room ready for Word Time. I loved the fact that these days we got to do it as a family, which made it all seem so much more intimate and fun. Sometimes we chanted, other times we meditated in silence, waiting for our individual prophecies from Jesus. My faith was extremely strong and I took my prayers seriously.
‘I want to share something with you. Mama Maria has sent us a new revelation,’ my father said, shuffling a thick sheaf of papers. Revelations from Maria were coming in fast these days as she attempted to assert her leadership with a new set of guidance and rules, something she referred to as ‘the new wine’.
He started to read: ‘Come in unto me – let us be one! Let us love! Let us lie in each other’s arms. Kiss me, caress me, fuck me and love me, fill me to the full! Like you say, “Hold me!” Like you say, “I love you! I want you! I desire you! Come lie with me! Come fill me.”’
I cringed with embarrassment. The last thing any 15-year-old girl wants is her father saying the word ‘fuck’.
I got the sense he wasn’t any more comfortable than I was, but he carried on; ‘So the Lord’s prophecy is clear. Listen to this.’ He read more from the letter, explaining these were Jesus’s direct words given to Maria.
‘Do