Sorry. Shaun Whiteside

still sitting in the armchair smoking—arm bent at the elbow, head tilted slightly back when she lets smoke escape from her mouth. Even that gesture is so familiar to you that the memories overlay one another like a handful of slides. Back then and today become now, and now becomes today and back then. She holds the photograph in her hand and studies it. When you are standing behind her, she turns her head and her eyes flash. You aim the gas at that flash until the can is empty and she is lying on the floor in a whimpering heap. Then you start removing any trace of yourself from the room. You drain the glass and put it in your pocket. The photograph has fallen from her hand. You pick it up and put it in your pocket. You are careful, you are precise, you know what you are doing. When she tries to creep away, you turn her on to her back and sit down on her chest. Her arms are trapped beneath you, her eyes are swollen. She rears, her knees come up, her heels drum on the carpet. You put one hand firmly over her mouth, and with the other you hold her snot-streaming nose closed. It all goes quickly.

      You make a package out of her. You press her thighs to her chest and shove her arms behind her knees. She’s not very big. You’ve thought of everything. Ten days of planning was enough. She fits in one of these black 120-liter trash bags. You carry her out of the flat. On the stairs you meet an old man. You nod at him, he nods back. It’s as easy as taking out the garbage.

      It’s late by the time she wakes up.

      You were a bit disappointed when you first stepped into the apartment. It was dirty and deserted, it was nothing like what it had been. You had expected more. Places with a past like that shouldn’t be deserted. It’s disrespectful. People make pilgrimages to Dachau and Auschwitz, they look at the concentration camps as if they could read something from them, while a few yards from their homes a new form of horror is taking place and they aren’t even aware of it.

      It was very hard to find the right photomural. You drove all over Berlin, and it was only after the fifth specialty store when you described to one of the clerks exactly what you were looking for that he went to the storeroom and came back with several rolls.

      To your surprise he let you have them all for nothing.

      “No one buys this kind of crap these days” were his exact words.

      Sometimes you wonder if you aren’t exaggerating the details. Then you give yourself the only logical answer. This is all about memory. It’s about details. Details are important to you. You prize details.

      The wall is still wet with glue. At the spot where the metal ring used to be, there’s now a hole in the wall. Before you glued the photomural over the hole you had to stick your index finger into it. You marked the spot: the X is exactly at eye level.

      The left shoe falls from her foot when you press her against the wall. As you do you get so close to her that you feel ill. Her unconscious body is soft, and it’s hard to keep it vertical. Your strength calms you down. You’re chest to chest. Her breath smells like cold smoke. You lift her arms up, her feet part a few inches from the floor, you swing the hammer back and strike.

      The nail easily penetrates the palms of her hands, placed one over the other. Three blows are enough and the head of the nail is all that sticks out from her wrists. The third blow wakes her, your eyes are level now and she screams into your face. The scream fizzles out in a dull tap against the insulating tape you’ve stuck over her mouth. You look at each other, you will never be as close to her again. She twitches, tries to kick; your body presses her against the wall, holds her in position. Panic and contentment and strength. Strength, every time. Tears shoot from her swollen eyes and hit your face. You’ve seen enough and step back. Her weight pulls her down. The surprised expression. Something jerks. The pain makes her tremble, a shudder runs through her body, her bladder empties. The nail holds. She hangs on the wall with arms stretched upwards. Her right shoe falls with a quiet click, her toes scrape over the floor in search of purchase. If looks could kill, you’d be long dead.

      It’s time to part. You show her where to look. She tries to turn her head. You knew she would do that. It fits. So you walk over to her and place the second nail on her forehead. It’s bigger, sixteen inches long, and has a special name that you don’t remember. The man in the hardware store told you it twice and you nodded and said thank you. She freezes as the tip touches her skin. Her eyes speak to you. They say you won’t do it. They order you not to. You shake your head. Then she closes her eyes tight shut. You’re surprised, you expected more resistance. You expected her to kick out at you again, to defend herself.

       She gives up.

      Your lips touch her ear and you whisper:

      “It wasn’t me.”

      She opens her eyes wide. And there’s the look, and there’s the understanding.

       Now.

      You drive the nail through the bone of her forehead. It takes you four more blows than the hands did, before the nail pierces the back of her head and enters the wall. She twitches, her twitch becomes a quiver, then she hangs still. Bright blood trickles from the ear you whispered into; a dark thread of blood emerges from the wound in her forehead and wanders between her eyes over the base of her nose and her cheek. You wait and study the elegance with which the thread of blood moves over her face. Before it reaches the insulating tape, you pull it from her mouth. Spittle seeps over her lips and mixes with the blood. Her right eye closes, as if it’s weary. You open it again, it stays open. You follow her frozen gaze. It’s fine, you don’t have to correct anything, everything is right.

PART I

       After

       IN THE DARKNESS of your thoughts I would like to be a light.

      I have no idea who wrote that. I just remember the piece of paper that was pinned up on the kitchen wall one day.

       In the darkness of your thoughts …

      I want someone to come out of the forest with a flashlight and aim the beam at my face. Being seen can be so important. It doesn’t matter by whom. I’m disappearing into myself more and more.

      It’s the day after. My hand rests on the cold metal of the fender. I listen as if my fingertips could hear the vibrations. I need more time, I’m not yet able to open the trunk. Perhaps another hundred kilometers, maybe a thousand.

       … I would like to be a light.

      I get in and start the engine. If someone should ever follow my journey, he’ll get lost in its incoherence. I’m moving through Germany like a lab rat in a maze. I lurch and every step is uncertain. I step sideways, turn in circles. But whatever I do, I don’t stand still. Standing still is out of the question. Sixteen hours are bundled together into sixteen minutes when you travel aimlessly. The boundaries of your own perception start to fray, and everything seems meaningless. Even sleep loses its significance. I wish there were a light in the darkness of my thoughts. But there is no light. So I’m left with nothing but my thoughts.

       Before

      KRIS

      BEFORE WE TALK ABOUT YOU, I’d like to introduce you to the people you will soon be meeting. It’s a cool, late August day. The sun is extremely bright in the sky and resembles the flickering gleam of light switches in corridors. The people turn their faces to the sun and wonder why so little warmth comes back.

      We are in a small park in the middle of Berlin. This is where everything starts. A man sits on a park bench by the water. His name is Kris Marrer; he is twenty-nine and looks like an ascetic who decided a long time ago not to be part of society. Kris knows only too well that he is a part of society. He has finished school and his studies. He likes going to