Yvonne and Dadina slept at one end of the room and I slept at the other end on a massive cushion on the floor, under a lot of blankets. The weight of the blankets on me made me feel less scared, don’t ask me why. There was no way I’d be going for a wee in the middle of the night! The bathroom was a mile down the corridor and I would have pissed my pants before I got there, I was that frightened.
Saturdays became the highlight of my life. I know that may sound a bit dramatic, but it’s true. Dadina had been taught by various teachers in London and her teaching style was very strict and disciplined. It was not like Doreen Cliff’s, where there were a large number of students of varying levels and abilities. Dadina expected us to be as disciplined as she was and she wanted to see progress in us. If your développé started at 45 degrees, the next week she would want it higher, and even higher the week after that, until it was up around your ears. If you did one turn, she wanted two; if you did two, she wanted three, and so on and so on.
But the most wonderful thing for me was the technical ability that I was developing under her teaching; it gave me the freedom to express myself through the music when I danced. This was a new and wonderful experience that has never left me.
In Dadina’s barn I experienced what it was to dance to a piece of music and feel truly at one with it. It was, and is for me, the most wonderful feeling as a dancer: melting together with the music. It is like time stands still and the world has stopped moving; it’s a magical feeling and one that I feel blessed to have.
4
Italia Conti
In spite of Dad having pranced about in my Lycra, all could be forgiven, considering the pains he took to try and get me into the Italia Conti Stage School in London. The daughter of one of Doreen’s friends, who worked as a dinner lady at Italia Conti, was a student there. Because I was advancing quickly through Doreen’s school, her friend offered to try and get me an audition at Italia Conti. Even though it cost an arm and a leg, there were people queuing up to get their children into the school.
I waited for the post every morning after requesting a prospectus from Italia Conti and a week later, bang! There it was, in a big white envelope, with the Italia Conti stamp on it. It felt as if all my birthdays had come at once.
Once my parents opened it and started to read, the look on their faces became very serious. I was very anxious watching them, knowing only they could make my dream come true. I thought it was going to be easy – I would get the prospectus, do the audition and start.
At age 12 I did not think about the financial implications, or the fact that I had three sisters and my parents were each working two jobs. I truly felt my life would be over if I could not get into Italia Conti. I would have done anything for this opportunity and I felt trapped within myself. I knew I had so much more to give, and so much more to explore, but I could not explore it in Braintree. It was now or never, and I knew that if I went to Italia Conti, it would change my life.
My parents explained that it would cost a lot of money that they did not have, that they would have to get money from the bank. I had to be one hundred per cent sure that this was what I wanted to do; I might even have to live away from home. If I lived at home, I would have to get an early train each morning and arrive home late in the evenings. They pointed out that there would no longer be time to play with my friends and that the whole family would have to make sacrifices for this. My sisters might have to miss out on school trips, birthdays and all the things you take for granted as a child.
But as you can imagine, in 1982, at 12 years old, all I could think of was going to this school that I imagined to be like the TV show Fame. I was going to be the next Leroy, apart from the fact that I was 12, white, gay and had a lisp. In my mind I couldn’t see any reason why I couldn’t be black with tight, toned thighs and perfect cane-rows in my hair. That was my inspiration, I had not seen dance like that before in my life. When I watched Leroy (I know it’s not his real name) and the rest of the cast of Fame dancing, I knew that was how I was born to dance: I knew that burning passion inside me had to be released.
I know it may sound selfish, but I did not care whether my sisters went on school trips, or couldn’t get a pair of pipeline jeans. (For those of you who don’t know what pipeline jeans are, they were skin-tight with a slight bit of stretch and piping down the outside of the leg. They were available in many different colours and gave a lovely line, which was great for lengthening the leg. I have always loved a good line and a bit of length.)
This feeling was so strong, I couldn’t let what Mum and Dad were telling me take my dream away. Nothing, and no-one, was going to stand in my way: I knew even then that I had to audition, otherwise I would never have been able to forgive myself or my parents if they stopped me from pursuing my dream. There are certain things in your life that you know are right, a feeling so strong that you don’t have to question it. There are other times where you dither and nothing comes of it. I don’t think I’m special, I think it comes to us all in different forms, for different things.
For the first time that I could remember, my parents treated me as a grown-up when they spoke to me about the process. They knew how important it was to me and wanted me to understand how difficult it was going to be financially if I passed the audition. I think there was a part of them that wanted me to say that I didn’t really want to go, but they could both see that this was not just a fad that I had decided on lightly.
So, regardless of whether Mum and Dad were going to pay, in my head I was already there. I say already there, I would still have to get through the audition process. As I said, everything in dance came easy to me: I didn’t have to think about it but now I was starting to poop my pants a little because not only did I have to dance, but I also had to sing and act.
Now, the acting I didn’t think I’d have a problem with, until I read that it had to be a piece of Shakespeare. Starting off with an ‘S’ was not a good sign and as for singing, I’d never tried it, just ‘Happy Birthday’ at the odd party. So that was my song choice, ‘Happy Birthday’, everyone knows it. It’s good to have something everyone can sing along to. I also didn’t dare to ask my parents for more money for singing lessons.
Nothing is for free in this world, is it? Well, saying that, now I get a lot of things for free: face creams, trainers, track pants. If you’re interested, you can get it all for a good price – my sister set up a shop on eBay.
And as for the acting, I just asked Anne May, the drama teacher at Notley High School. She was a lovely lady. Obviously, being an actor, she had a lot of gay friends and she sniffed me out straightaway. She decided the best part for me to play was Puck. I was like ‘F***’ I can’t even speak modern-day English, let alone get all olde worlde with a bit of Shakespeare. But Puck it was, and Puck I did (I said Puck!).
The king doth keep his revels here tonight,
Take heed the Queen come not within his sight.
For Oberon is passing fell and wroth
Because that she, as her attendant hath
A young boy stolen from an Indian king.
That’s all I can remember and it may not be perfect, but that’s how I did it.
So, I had ‘Happy Birthday’ for my song, Puck (F***) for my acting piece, and now to the bit that I could do. It was Lyrical Jazz, a beautiful dance style that I discovered (but obviously had been discovered long before me). This was a style I felt at one with, it was my trump card, my ace.
It was choreographed by Dadina and Doreen. Dadina gave me the Lyrical Jazz and Doreen inserted the acrobatics. This was my forte, and I had to blow them away if I was to get in. And on the day I almost did: I was so nervous, I couldn’t stop farting. In Lycra, it’s not a good look; it’s that tight, you could see the bubble going down my leg.
I had moved on from the Lycra with the disco tassels. I was much more sophisticated and