As with many other basic ingredients of happiness, the connection between outward focus and happiness works in both directions. Being outwardly focused contributes to happiness, and being happy makes us more outwardly focused, creating a virtuous circle. The more you avoid thinking about yourself all the time, the happier you become; and the happier you become, the easier it is to avoid thinking about yourself.
The idea that outward focus promotes happiness is, of course, central to many religions and ancient schools of thought, and may contribute to their success. However, outward focus does not fit comfortably with the prevailing attitudes of our current consumerist society. The ‘me’ culture that predominates in the USA and UK revolves around the self, attaching prime importance to individual choice, personal fulfilment and self-esteem. This mindset does little to encourage the thought that we would all be happier if only we were less self-obsessed. Parts of the self-help industry have added fuel to this fire. Most self-help books are, as their name suggests, all about the self, and the worst examples encourage their disgruntled readers to scrutinise their own navels even more closely.
12. Present- and future-mindedness
We are better equipped to be happy if we can enjoy the present, prepare for the future and avoid dwelling on the past. Happy people are usually able to think ahead, but they do not spend their lives waiting for some imaginary future or endlessly mulling over bad things that happened in the past. They are also capable, at the right times, of losing themselves in the here and now and relishing the present moment.
Our consumerist culture encourages people to strive after things that they believe, often wrongly, will bring them happiness in the future – notably money, material possessions and social recognition. Meanwhile, they find it hard to enjoy the present because their thoughts are focused on a future state they have not yet attained and perhaps never will. Happy people can prepare for the future without having to live there, and they can savour the moment without sticking their head in the sand.
Many philosophers, religious thinkers and self-help gurus have stressed the importance of being able to live in the present. A starting point is to become ‘grounded’—that is, gently aware of your current surroundings, rather than fretting about all the things you have to do. Being grounded and focused on the present moment can bring pleasure and calm. It is certainly a useful skill that any busy person would benefit from learning. Various practical techniques have evolved over the centuries for clearing the mind, silencing the cacophony of mental activity and becoming mindful of the present. However, most people notice some improvement if they simply pay attention to their own breathing for a minute or two.
Being rooted in the present can be pleasant, but it does little to produce satisfaction – one of the three fundamental elements of happiness. Often, the course of action that will ultimately bring the greatest satisfaction, and hence the greatest overall happiness, requires a degree of future-mindedness. Happy people generally have a well-developed capacity to control their immediate urges and take the longer view – an important capability that psychologists refer to as delayed gratification.
In a series of experiments conducted in the 1970s and 1980s, American psychologists investigated delayed gratification in children, and its links with other aspects of personality. In a typical experiment, a pre-school child was offered a tempting marshmallow; if the child was able to wait for, say, 15 minutes before eating the marshmallow then he or she was rewarded with a second marshmallow. Some children were able muster the self-control needed to delay their gratification, but others succumbed to temptation and ate the first marshmallow immediately, even though they knew this meant forgoing the second. (You probably know the feeling.)
The important discovery was that children who were better able to delay their gratification at the age of four or five grew up to become more competent adolescents. Follow-up studies conducted a decade later found that individuals who could wait longer to receive a bigger ultimate reward at the age of four or five developed into adolescents who were socially and academically more competent, better able to cope with frustration and stress, and better at communicating than those who lacked self-control. They also achieved more at school. A prominent expert on self-esteem later commented that ‘self-control is worth ten times as much as self-esteem’.
13. Humour
Truly happy people usually have a good sense of humour (although there is a certain form of superficial happiness, signified by a cheesy smile and a gleam in the eye, which seems to lack any humour or irony). Conversely, sad or depressed people are generally notable for their lack of hilarity.
Humour helps us roll with the blows. The ability to see the funny or absurd side of life is a useful antidote to misfortune and makes us more resilient. It helps us cope with stress, relieves tension, and can make bad situations seem less threatening. The eighteenth-century poet Matthew Green put it like this: ‘Fling but a stone, the giant dies. / Laugh and be well.’
The relatively few scientific studies that have delved into this area have found that humour has a range of psychological and physiological benefits, with no known side effects. Like sleep, humour is safe and pleasant to use. Experiments have shown that making people laugh can temporarily boost certain aspects of their immune system, potentially making them more resistant to infection and disease. Humour can certainly reduce the biological effects of stress, as measured by changes in the levels of the stress-related hormones adrenaline and Cortisol. Research has also confirmed that humour in the workplace is correlated with better working relationships, greater job satisfaction and increased productivity. The most creative and productive parts of an organisation are often the noisiest.
Humour is a social lubricant which can help to forge relationships and strengthen existing ones. As such, it promotes connectedness, the most important of all building blocks of happiness. It is probably no coincidence that lonely hearts ads seem to stipulate ‘GSOH’ more often than ‘good looks’ or ‘own house and car’. Humour is especially handy in difficult social situations, by enabling us to tackle awkward issues in a non-threatening way. Many a true word …
14. Playfulness
Children, like young animals of many other species, spend much of their time playing. Indeed, play behaviour is the quintessential characteristic of childhood. Play might seem pointless, but in fact it has important long-term benefits. Through play, children acquire valuable experience and develop their mental and physical capabilities. We will take a closer look at it in chapter 11.
Adults play too, albeit often in more structured ways. Sports and games are common forms of adult play, and common sources of happiness. So, too, are social leisure activities like making music, voluntary work and going to the pub. What they have in common is their ability to deliver all three basic elements of happiness – pleasure, lack of displeasure and satisfaction.
A less obvious feature of play is its delicate dependence on individual well-being. Play is a highly sensitive barometer of mental and physical health. A child who is feeling anxious, sad, hungry or ill will probably not be playful. Play behaviour is one of the first things to go when we are feeling less than well. As such, it can provide a valuable insight into the current state of individuals and organisations. The least creative and productive sections of an organisation are often the least playful.
A personal characteristic that is closely related to playfulness is openness to new experiences. By and large, happy people have a more welcoming attitude towards new experiences and cope better with change. Openness to new experiences and a willingness to change have become increasingly important in a complex world where the demands are evolving at an accelerating pace.
15. Wisdom
As we saw earlier, happiness depends to a considerable extent on how we think about the world, as well as our emotional responses. Someone who can think straight and solve real-life problems is better equipped to be happy.
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