FUCKJOB: Something that is well and truly ‘fucked up’; and therefore also the means by which Person A ‘fucks up’ Person B, who may or may not deserve it. In the era of internet porn, almost anything sexual is a ‘fuckjob’, and probably just as mechanical as that term suggests.
FUCK-KNUCKLE: Our Australian cousins get the credit for this mild alternative to the more abusive FUCKHEAD – the gentle nature of the insult presumably conveyed by the fact that the finger is only involved as far as the knuckle.
FUCKLESS WONDER: Someone who’s a ‘chinless wonder’ is posh and stupid (remember Tim Nice-but-Dim?). Someone who’s a ‘brainless wonder’ doesn’t have to be posh. And someone who’s a ‘fuckless wonder’ doesn’t even have to have a brain.
FUCKLOAD: Used in the phrase ‘a fuckload of’ on occasions when the more common word ‘shitload’ simply doesn’t capture the moment.
FUCK-ME’S: American gay slang for a tight pair of trousers, though I would have thought that if they were too tight, they might restrict the blood-flow to vital organs.
FUCKMOBILE: A car which the owner believes will enable him to procure a sexual partner; and also the venue for what happens when he does. This only works with certain cars, and certain sexual partners, despite what Jeremy Clarkson might think.
FUCK-MUSCLE: As anyone will know who took biology in school past the point where they make you cut up rats, there is no bone in the human penis – despite the slang word ‘boner’ for an erection. But there is muscle, though it’s not the kind of muscle that you can make grow by exercise, otherwise teenage boys would be even more active in private than they already are. The growth is all about blood, so anyone tempted to use the word ‘fuck-muscle’ should actually be prepared to accompany it with an anatomical explanation.
FUCK-NEST: See FUCKPAD, but cosier.
FUCKNOB: Slang term for sexual intercourse meets slang word for penis: inevitable consequence is a term of abuse.
FUCKNUT(S): See FUCKNOB, but replace ‘penis’ with ‘testicles’ (easier than it sounds). However, someone who is FUCKNUTTY is also a FUCKAHOLIC: nobody said that the penis didn’t have a mind of its own.
FUCKOLA: Sounds as if it should be an X-rated slot machine, but it’s actually a right royal cock-up, and not in a good way.
FUCK PAD: You’re imagining something unpleasantly intimate that might be hiding in a potential partner’s undies, aren’t you? It’s OK: the person with the fuck pad is merely a throwback to the 1970s, when the pad was where the dude hung out, and where he took his lovely lady with luurve on his mind.
FUCKPLUG: A contraceptive device that seals up the FUCKHOLE to prevent pregnancy. Not recommended for use at intimate moments (the word, that is).
FUCKPOLE: A straight-to-the-point, don’t-beat-about-the-bush term for the penis at its most extended. Incidentally, men don’t like being told they have a ‘fuckpin’.
FUCK-PUMP: No, I don’t know where you can buy one … for the simple reason that this term is applied to a married man by those who are unfortunate enough not to have a regular sexual partner.
FUCKRIES: A West Indian term – spoken more than written, I’d wager – to describe troubles that are disturbing someone’s mental equilibrium.
FUCK-RUBBER: The male equivalent of a FUCK-PLUG.
FUCK-SAUCE: The substance that is captured within the FUCK-RUBBER, or has its progress halted by a FUCK-PLUG. If you need any more help, it comes out of a FUCK-STICK when a peak of excitement is reached.
FUCK-SHOW: What you hope you’re going to see when you go behind the curtains in a Soho establishment. What you actually get, I’m told, is a bar bill that would pay off the national debt.
FUCK-SOCK: Another charming term for a FUCK-RUBBER – or, for the solo performer, a handy item into which FUCK-SAUCE can be directed to avoid staining the bedclothes.
FUCKSTICK: They say that men don’t take kindly to criticism of their performance behind the wheel or in bed. So the ideal compliment for a Top Gear kind of guy is to tell him that he handles his gearstick the way he handles his fuckstick; or vice versa, depending which one he shows you first. NB: If someone uses this word in the plural, it doesn’t mean that he is a freak of nature, or that she has more than one man in hand; it’s merely a twenty-first-century expression of slight annoyance.
FUCKSTRUCK: The state of mind you enjoy when you first establish a sexual relationship, i.e. before you get pregnant, pick up a sexually transmitted disease, or meet the in-laws.
FUCKTRUCK: Certain members of the Australian population drive around in vans just large enough to hold a mattress in the back – flat on the floor, of course. They will then invite lonely souls to join them there for polite conversation. Also known as a ‘passion wagon’.
FUCK-UDDERS: A term for ‘breasts’ used by young men who have only a very confused grasp of the mechanics of human reproduction.
FUCKWAD: A small town between FUCKHEAD and FUCKWIT.
FUCKWIT: A gentler way of saying FUCKHEAD. But not so gentle that you should try it out on the boss.
FUCKY-FUCKY (or FUCK-FUCK): America’s involvement in Vietnam during the 1960s and 1970s was not one of the more glorious moments in the nation’s history. But, say what you will about the political and military consequences, it did at least enlarge our language, and that of the unfortunate prostitutes who had to service US servicemen on their days off from bombing peasants and being shot at by the Cong. Being quick learners, the young-women-for-hire of Saigon quickly learned to offer ‘fucky-fucky’ or ‘fucky-sucky’ to their clients; and the phrase soon made its way back to America, where ‘fucky-sucky’ on a brothel menu means exactly what it says.
HONEYFUCK: A sexual encounter in the United States that incorporates slightly more romance than one might have expected. Or one that involves a woman somewhat younger than her male partner: Michael Douglas and his lovely Welsh bride, perhaps.
MINDFUCK: Anything that amazes or boggles the brain; and therefore, by extension, a process whereby a person is subjected to a form of brainwashing. Such as reading a book in which the word ‘fuck’ appears several hundred times.
Is This the Way to Timbuktu?
It does not take a massive leap of the imagination to conclude that when you combine the words ‘bum’ and ‘fuck’, you arrive at ‘bumfuck’ – a word that can mean exactly what you think it means. If you saw ‘bum’ and assumed that we were talking about a person who might otherwise be dubbed an ‘arsehole’, then you’ll have calculated that ‘bum’ + ‘fuck’ equals an extremely unpleasant ‘arsehole’.
If, however, you took ‘bum’ as a ‘noun’ and ‘fuck’ as an activity, then you know exactly where you’re going, and you would have found yourself fully at home in the Old Testament city of Sodom.
Or, finally, you might take ‘bum’ to be an adjective – substandard, unsatisfactory, as in ‘a bum rap’ – and decide, with equal accuracy, that ‘bumfuck’ is an act of sexual congress that was great, darling, honestly, the earth moved for me too, it really did; but at the front of your mind you really wish you’d been in someone else’s bed with someone else (not necessarily the same someone, of course).
None of which prepares us for the newest and most obscure usage of that ‘bum’ and ‘fuck’ combination: the phrase that merges the two words as one, and then adds a geographical location on the end. Hence we arrive at ‘Bumfuck, Africa’ or, more commonly, ‘Bumfuck, Egypt’. (‘Bumfuck, Illinois’ works better for me, but as it was the Americans who