Do the Opposite. Research has found that “letting it rip” with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you’re angry with) resolve the situation. In general, to cope with an emotion, you have to do the opposite. The opposite of anger isn’t to withdraw or lash out, but to develop empathy. So instead of swearing at the guy who cut you up, think that maybe there’s a reason he did so – like, he just got a call that his wife is in labour or his mum tripped over his child’s toy and can’t get up. It helps to remind yourself that few people are idiots on purpose. Getting angry just forces you to justify your actions, so you express that anger to make sense of how crazily you just acted.
Find Your Pattern. Keep thought records with no censorship of all the emotions you feel (and why) during the day. This helps you identify and find a pattern in the core beliefs that are associated with your anger. Do you get angry at a lack of respect, or wasted time or insults?
Do Push-ups. Somehow, you do have to acknowledge that you are experiencing a physiological response to your anger. Telling yourself to “stay calm” is one of the worst things you can do (second only to being told to “calm down”), because we’re supposed to react when we feel threatened and are angry. So react in a way that doesn’t burn bridges, by doing push-ups or stretching or deep breathing. This dissipates the physiological burden of anger.
Choose Smart Words. Be careful of words like never or always when talking about yourself or someone else. “This machine never works!” or “You’re always forgetting things!” are not only inaccurate, they serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there’s no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution. Another important distinction is making sure that you have realistic expectations – and are not blaming yourself for things that aren’t under your control with a string of woulds, coulds and shoulds.
YOU TIPS!
Breathe in. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Now release slooooooooowly. Feel better? Good. (The nitric oxide is working. You’ll learn about that soon; see here.) But that’s not the only antistress solution you should have. First and foremost, put stress in context. Allow us a few moments of philosophical waxing. Say that you’re afraid of public speaking. You tense up and sweat, and your stomach turns into a butterfly museum. But the truth is that when you’re that tense, the task becomes more painful and difficult to accomplish. Anticipating the horror of the talk is much worse than the actual reality. So if you retrain your mind to relax, as difficult as it is, by using some of our techniques, and tell yourself that the universe will run its course in the right way, you’ll have mastered the first step of decreasing stress.
YOU Tip: Create Your Backup Plan. As we said, stress isn’t all bad. It’s what gives you the concentration and ability to finish a project or meet a deadline. But stress can linger around like week-old leftovers and create its own kind of stink. So in periods of high stress, you need to have a plan that works for you. Such things as exercise and meditation work for some people, and both of them will help you manage chronic stress through the release of such feel-good substances as nitric oxide and brain chemicals called endorphins. But in the heat of the moment, at peak periods of high intensity, you should be able to pull a quick stress-busting behaviour out of your biological bag of tricks. Our suggestions:
YOU Tip: Lean on Him, Her or Whomever. Friends aren’t just good for borrowing sugar from or for telling you that you have tomato soup on your chin. Friends are the ultimate de-stressor. Friends can remove over 90 percent of the ageing penalty you face after a major life event accelerates your ageing. Research shows that one of the most vital elements in reducing the negative health effects of stress is to have strong social networks. So gossiping, playing poker, having girlfriend spa days, playing golf and going to happy hour aren’t all just fun and games. They’re mental medicine. So are religious and church groups. We recommend that you talk to friends or extended family daily as a way to strengthen those networks. Of course, your posse isn’t just good for managing chronic stress. In periods of major stress, they can be the anchor you need when you’re rocking in stormy seas.
YOU Tip: Chop Big Pieces into Small Ones. You know how mountain climbers get up Everest or marathoners get through London? One step at a time. They don’t think about the big picture, they think about making it through the next stride or step. When you’re facing a seemingly insurmountable task, do the same thing. Instead of thinking about your stressor as one insurmountable hurdle, break that unmanageable task into smaller, more manageable ones. Those are the ones you can accomplish. Before you know it, you’ll have reached 29,035 feet.
YOU Tip: Work, Work, Work. The theory goes like this. At the end of a long career awaits the ultimate stress reduction plan: retirement. Of course, there’s some appeal to sleeping in, taking aqua aerobics classes and becoming the over-65 county bowls champion. But retirement may not be the mental hammock that everyone expects it to be. Take three parts of the world where people have a greater chance of living to one hundred: Sardinia, Okinawa and Costa Rica. In each of those areas, people have found ways to cope with stress. The communities have strong traditions of walking, building family strength, playing with kids and being active. Plus, there’s no such thing as retirement. Now, we’re not recommending that you subject yourself to the same corporate punishment that’s greying your hair and beating you down. But we are recommending that even in retirement, you find a way to continue working – either as a volunteer or for pay – at something you enjoy. It’ll help you stay active physically and mentally, give you a life-enhancing sense of purpose, and help you maintain the strong social ties that are so necessary for stress management.
YOU Tip: Be Money Smart. One of the biggest drivers of stress is financial woes. Not coincidentally, health problems are the major driver of bankruptcy, and then bankruptcy cycles back to be a major driver of more stress-related health problems. That’s why it’s important to create some kind of emotional comfort zone with money – that is, just the feeling that you have some sort of nest egg can ease your stress. And that’s why putting away 10 percent of your income every month (or at least $100 every month) can start the process of giving you a backup plan. And, of course, with credit card debt exceeding the national debt, having a good frame of mind about your