Mary says, “She needs me so much right now. I feel so bad.”
Tom says, “You are such a loving person. Come here, let me give you a hug.”
Tom gives Mary a hug and she relaxes in his arms with a big sigh of relief. She then says, “I love talking with you. You make me really happy. Thanks for listening. I feel much better.”
Not only Mary but also Tom felt better. He was amazed at how much happier his wife was when he finally learned to listen. With this new awareness of their differences, Tom learned the wisdom of listening without offering solutions while Mary learned the wisdom of letting go and accepting without offering unsolicited advice or criticism.
To summarize the two most common mistakes we make in relationships:
1. A man tries to change a woman’s feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix-It and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.
2. A woman tries to change a man’s behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the home-improvement committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.
IN DEFENSE OF MR. FIX-IT AND THE HOME-IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE
In pointing out these two major mistakes I do not mean that everything is wrong with Mr. Fix-It or the home-improvement committee. These are very positive Martian and Venusian attributes. The mistakes are only in timing and approach.
A woman greatly appreciates Mr. Fix-It, as long as he doesn’t come out when she is upset. Men need to remember that when women seem upset and talk about problems is not the time to offer solutions; instead she needs to be heard, and gradually she will feel better on her own. She does not need to be fixed.
A man greatly appreciates the home-improvement committee, as long as it is requested. Women need to remember that unsolicited advice or criticism—especially if he has made a mistake—makes him feel unloved and controlled. He needs her acceptance more than her advice, in order to learn from his mistakes. When a man feels that a woman is not trying to improve him, he is much more likely to ask for her feedback and advice.
When our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach.
Understanding these differences makes it easier to respect our partner’s sensitivities and be more supportive. In addition we recognize that when our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach. Let’s explore this in greater detail.
WHEN A WOMAN RESISTS A MAN’S SOLUTIONS
When a woman resists a man’s solutions he feels his competence is being questioned. As a result he feels mistrusted, unappreciated, and stops caring. His willingness to listen understandably lessens.
By remembering that women are from Venus, a man at such times can instead understand why she is resisting him. He can reflect and discover how he was probably offering solutions at a time when she was needing empathy and nurturing.
Here are some brief examples of ways a man might mistakenly invalidate feelings and perceptions or offer unwanted solutions. See if you can recognize why she would resist.
1 “You shouldn’t worry so much.”
2 “But that is not what I said.”
3 “It’s not such a big deal.”
4 “OK, I’m sorry. Now can we just forget it.”
5 “Why don’t you just do it?”
6 “But we do talk.”
7 “You shouldn’t feel hurt, that’s not what I meant.”
8 “So what are you trying to say?”
9 “But you shouldn’t feel that way.”
10 “How can you say that? Last week I spent the whole day with you. We had a great time.”
11 “OK, then just forget it.”
12 “All right, I’ll clean up the backyard. Does that make you happy?”
13 “I got it. This is what you should do.”
14 “Look, there’s nothing we can do about it.”
15 “If you are going to complain about doing it, then don’t do it.”
16 “Why do you let people treat you that way? Forget them.”
17 “If you’re not happy then we should just get a divorce.”
18 “All right, then you can do it from now on.”
19 “From now on, I will handle it.”
20 “Of course I care about you. That’s ridiculous.”
21 “Would you get to the point?”
22 “All we have to do is …”
23 “That’s not at all what happened.”
Each of these statements either invalidates or attempts to explain upset feelings or offers a solution designed suddenly to change her negative feelings to positive feelings. The first step a man can take to change this pattern is simply to stop making the above comments (we explore this topic more fully in chapter 5). To practice listening without offering any invalidating comments or solutions is, however, a big step.
By clearly understanding that his timing and delivery are being rejected and not his solutions, a man can handle a woman’s resistance much better. He doesn’t take it so personally. By learning to listen, gradually he will experience that she will appreciate him more even when at first she is upset with him.
WHEN A MAN RESISTS THE HOME-IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE
When a man resists a woman’s suggestions she feels as though he doesn’t care; she feels her needs are not being respected. As a result she understandably feels unsupported and stops trusting him.
At such times, by remembering that men are from Mars, she can instead correctly understand why he is resisting her. She can reflect and discover how she was probably giving him unsolicited advice or criticism rather than simply sharing her needs, providing information, or making a request.
Here are some brief examples of ways a woman might unknowingly annoy a man by offering advice or seemingly harmless criticism. As you explore this list, remember that these little things can add up to create big walls of resistance and resentment. In some of the statements the advice or criticism is hidden. See if you can recognize why he might feel controlled.
1 “How can you think of buying that? You already have one.”
2 “Those dishes are still wet. They’ll dry with spots.”
3 “Your hair is getting kind of long, isn’t it?”
4 “There’s a parking spot over there, turn [the car] around.”
5 “You want to spend time with your friends, what about me?”
6 “You shouldn’t work so hard. Take a day off.”
7 “Don’t put that there. It will get lost.”
8 “You should call a plumber. He’ll know what to do.”
9 “Why are we waiting for a table? Didn’t you make reservations?”
10 “You should spend more time with the kids. They miss you.”
11 “Your office