I don’t know where my daughter is.
An all-encompassing statement, implicating everything possible but not implying anything specific. No fault, no crime, no blame. Just a fact.
I don’t know where my daughter is.
I couldn’t fathom a single logical way of explaining how Mia had disappeared.
Say it, I kept telling myself, say it. JUST SAY IT. I pushed myself to speak but the woman I had become didn’t comply. There was nothing anyone could do for her.
No one can help me. No one can help me. No one can help me.
Like an oath, I repeated it three times, hoping the reiteration would conjure up some sort of sense and logic.
As I looked past the detective, down the hallway, the tattooed man from earlier darted for the front door. The detective’s eyes followed him and then he ran after him. The tattooed man, unsteady on his feet, had reached the glass door by the time the detective got a hold of him.
I focused on the floor and the tiny specks in the blue linoleum. I felt my knees weakening, I had to keep moving, keep the blood circulating through my body.
No one can help me.
I exited the precinct and kept on walking. I felt numb inside, anesthetized, yet somehow purged, ready to accept the facts. The numbness dissolved long enough to allow the gravity of what I must have done to sink in. As I passed a store window, out of the corner of my eye I saw a woman studying her hands as if she hadn’t seen them in a long time.
In that brief yet gruesome moment of clarity I realized those hands might just be the hands of a monster.
Jack arrives and he’s all business; his suit, his posture, his demeanor. The thing that strikes me is how in control he is. I used to crave his attention, his company. But not only am I disgusted by him, I can’t even conceive of ever having had feelings for him.
My hands shake at first, then my whole body trembles. Whether with fear or anger I don’t know. I fix my gaze on his anxious face. He whispers, yet his words pierce through me.
‘I came straight from the airport. I can’t even wrap my mind around this. What the hell happened?’
His comment feels familiar. Not the words, but the feeling it evokes. I’ve been belittled so many times. So many faux pas committed by me – little ones first, then major ones.
‘Someone took her, Jack.’
‘What do you mean someone took her? Where were you?’ He slides his briefcase across the nightstand sending a plastic cup tumbling over the edge and to the ground. ‘What the hell is going on?’
‘Jack, I—’
He swipes his hand through the air as if to dismiss me when I open my mouth. ‘Who loses a baby, Estelle? Who? Tell me who loses a baby?’
I press my lips together.
‘I leave for a couple of weeks and you get in an accident in … Dover? That’s hours from here! What were you doing there?’
I don’t dare make eye contact with him.
‘Why did you take her to Dover?’
The beeping and buzzing of machines behind me is the only sound in the room. ‘I didn’t, Jack, that’s the thing, I don’t know why I was even there.’
‘I was questioned by the police – no, wait – questioned isn’t the right word …’ His face twitches, then he steps closer. He lifts his index finger as if to scold me like a child, ‘I was interrogated. I was detained at the airport, taken to the police station and interrogated like a common criminal. Just what did you tell them?’
‘I didn’t tell them anything. I haven’t even spoken to police—’
‘I was questioned by police.’
‘They always question the parents first, you know that.’
‘I was treated like a suspect. I’ve never been so humiliated in my life. Once my boss gets wind of this …’ He doesn’t finish the sentence. ‘Where is she? Tell me where she is?’
‘She’s missing, Jack!’ I’m alarmed by the distance in his eyes. I want to cry but that would only make him angrier. All this time with Jack has paid off. I’ve learned to hold back my tears.
‘I know she’s missing, they’re searching for her. I want to know how it happened, tell me everything. I talked to the police and the doctors, but I want to hear it from you.’
I start with how I found the empty crib. How it was a Sunday and none of the workers were in the house, it was empty and quiet. Lieberman was out of town, like every weekend. How nothing made sense. How I went to the police and left without saying anything. Jack doesn’t say, ‘It’s going to be okay’ or ‘we’ll sort it out.’ He just says, ‘Go on.’
When I’m done, he shakes his head. ‘I should’ve never left town. Never. You fooled me. You told me you were okay and I believed you. Did you leave her somewhere? Tell me where you left her.’
Jack’s got it all figured out, like always. In his world you put one foot in front of the other and you’re sure to arrive anywhere you want to be.
‘Jack—’
‘You promised me, promised me, you were okay, and now look at what you’ve done.’
‘I’m sorry, Jack. I’m so sorry.’ I don’t know what I’m sorry for but it seems like the proper thing to say.
‘Sorry isn’t going to cut it. My daughter is gone. Gone. Did that sink in yet?’
‘I wish I knew what happened. All I know is she was gone when I woke up.’
‘You don’t know where you left her?’
‘No, I didn’t leave her anywhere. I don’t know where she is.’
‘Did you leave her with a sitter? Did you leave her at an overnight daycare? Maybe—’
‘No, no, there was no sitter. No daycare.’
‘I should’ve known something was going to happen. I never should’ve …’ He doesn’t finish the sentence.
Remember, a change of scenery would do me good, you said. It would be like starting over, you said. I believed you, Jack. I thought I could leave the other woman, the one who had taken over my life, I could leave her behind. But she followed me.
‘None of this makes any sense.’ Suddenly his face relaxes. ‘You’ve been acting strangely ever since you had Mia. Either I worked too much or I slept too late. Nothing was ever right. I’m starting to think this was your plan all along.’
‘My plan? What plan?’
‘Yeah, you land a lawyer, get married, have a baby, divorce him, and get alimony and child support. That plan.’
‘You’re the jackpot and I’m the gold digger? We’re broke, remember? You took this job in Chicago because we are broke.’
‘I’m just trying to understand what happened. I’ve done nothing but support you. What happened to you, Estelle? Did you wake up one day and just say to yourself, fuck Jack, fuck Mia, fuck everything? Just like that? I’ve done everything you wanted me to do, given you everything you’ve ever wanted. Now it’s time to do something for me.’
I