Help!
You will need to establish who, while you are chilling out with your newborn in the first couple of weeks, will prepare and clear up the meals, do the shopping, clean the house and do the laundry (there will be lots of it). It’s a mistake to assume that the dad will be the one to do all of this. As a dad, your role will inevitably include a bit of popping out to the shop, tidying up, making cups of tea or sticking the odd load of laundry on; but it’s a good idea to get some other help too, so you can snuggle with your partner and baby and enjoy this time together. The baby needs to bond with his father too (and vice versa).
If you can, try and set up help in advance for cooking, cleaning, shopping and basic household tasks, and accept whatever else you can get. ‘Being able to accept help is so important,’ says Julia. ‘My mum offered to help burp and settle him in the night, but I said, “No, I have to learn, I’m his mother.” In retrospect this was a bit silly. You should take all the help you can get, when you can get it.’
Your help options (starting with the poshest)
MATERNITY NURSE
She lives in and usually comes for the first week or two to help you all adjust. Cost: about £600 a week, via an agency. To find one try www.nannydirectory.co.uk or nanny agencies in your area.
NIGHT NANNY
She’ll stay in your house from about 9 p.m.–7 a.m. If you are breastfeeding she will bring the baby to your room for feeds and take him away afterwards, doing all the jiggling and nappy-changing while you recuperate. Cost: around £70 per night. To find one try www.all4kidsuk.com or ring around your local nanny agencies.
POSTNATAL DOULA
She’s like a very experienced best friend (only you don’t feel guilty) who comes for a few hours a day to help you bond with your baby and rest. She’ll advise on anything from feeding to equipment, and will help with things like shopping and light housework. Not available in all parts of the country (yet). Cost: £10–£15 per hour. To find one try Doula UK, www.doula.org.uk.
MOTHERS’ HELPS
Basically, you pay a sensible local teenage girl to help you around the house–washing-up, laundry, hoovering, jiggling the baby’s pram, changing the odd nappy, answering the front door. Be clear, in advance, exactly what her duties will be. Expect her to be fickle (i.e. she may not show up), and don’t ask her to look after your baby for longer than about half an hour unattended. Cost: £–£5 per hour, or whatever you can get away with. To find one try friends, neighbours or your local community college (they often have childcare diplomas, and some students may be looking for work).
FAMILY AND FRIENDS
Mums, if you are lucky enough to have one who can come, tend to be heaven in the weeks after their grandchild’s arrival. But be clear about what you want your family members to do. Cook? Clear up? Take the baby for walks? The golden rule is if they’re stressing you out, get them to leave (tell them that they’ve been great, but you realise you need to get used to the baby on your own–or something like that). And have a back-up plan. Cost: only you can know the answer to this one.
The professionals
Getting advice generally isn’t the problem–everyone from the granny in Tesco to the builder and his mate will share their baby tips with you. A far greater challenge is sorting the good advice from the rubbish advice. If in doubt, trust your instincts. ‘After a few weeks I stopped being so paranoid,’ says Ginny, mother of Phoebe, nine months. ‘I realised that no one had ever been my daughter’s mother before so I shouldn’t judge myself on other people’s criteria.’
However, if you understand what people are there for, the nhs postnatal support network can get you a long way.
The midwife
TO GET THE BEST FROM YOUR MIDWIFE’S VISITS:
Talk to her specifically about anything that’s worrying you and get answers. Write things down so you remember them.
Get information about who to call night or day if something is worrying you, and put the numbers somewhere obvious like your fridge door.
Don’t be afraid to cry or take up her time.
Don’t think you have to tidy up. She’s seen far worse.
If you are feeling desperate, anxious or like you’re not coping, tell her clearly how you feel.
In most parts of the UK, a midwife will visit you at home regularly for about a week to make sure you’re recovering from the birth and to check that your baby is healthy and eating well.
When your baby is six to twelve days old, the midwife or health visitor (see below) will do a heel-prick test on him. She pricks your baby’s heel and collects a few droplets of blood to screen for certain developmental conditions including a thyroid deficiency called hypothyroidism and a rare condition called phenylketonuria (pku). If you feed your baby while the heel prick happens, he’ll notice it less. You in your hormonal state, may well burst into tears at this point. Your baby will be fine.
Health visitors
Usually–in most parts of the UK–between the tenth and the fourteenth day after you have your baby you’ll start getting a weekly visit from your health visitor. These will last for about six weeks. Health visitors are nurses or midwives with special training in child health and health promotion. Their job is to check your baby’s development and growth, and make sure you are coping with parenthood. If you don’t hear from a health visitor in the first couple of weeks, tell your midwife or GP.
YOUR HEALTH VISITOR WILL DO THE FOLLOWING:
Bring a Personal Child Health Record booklet for you to keep and bring to any visits to the baby clinic, doctor or hospital appointments. This is your record of your baby’s growth, check-ups and immunisations.
Weigh (and sometimes measure) your baby
Ask how he is feeding, and give advice if necessary
Ask how you are doing physically
Check how you and your partner are coping generally
Tell you about immunisations, future check-ups and postnatal depression
Ask about your life in general in terms of housing and family health
Help you come up with a plan for getting any further support if necessary
Baby clinics
After the initial period of home visits, you’ll be asked to bring your baby along to see the health visitor for regular weigh-ins, check-ups and immunisations. Most health visitors run weekly baby clinics, usually at the GP’s surgery. If anything is worrying you between baby clinics, call the health visitor. It’s fine to turn up at the baby clinic even if your baby isn’t ‘due’ a check-up–it’s a good place to go to get advice and talk through any worries. But you certainly don’t have to go every week.