I cannot guarantee that reviewing the rulebook frequently with your teen will dramatically reduce the hassles associated with this important parental task. But it will certainly help your child develop confidence in the process – and that has to be some kind of compensation! And looking ahead, another reassuring fact to keep in mind is that research has shown that the more young people are involved in this kind of decision making, the more likely they are to develop the same attitudes as their parents in late adolescence.
‘By slowly making your house rules more flexible, you give your teenager both freedom and safe limits…so the goal is not to abandon the playpen altogether but to gradually enlarge it.’
Steve Chalke, The Parentalk Guide to the Teenage Years
Top Tips
• Clarify your own values – do this on your own or with your co-parent or friends before you enter any discussion with your teen. You need to clarify in your own mind which rules are non-negotiable. These will be the ones which protect and support the core values and principles by which you want to lead your life and bring up your family.
Why not test yourself now by listing:
– 3 non-negotiable values or principles which you would expect anyone with whom you lived to respect (for example, non-violence, loyalty and honesty)
– 6 values which you would ideally like to be respected, but which would be open to some negotiation (for example, privacy, self-direction and cleanliness).
Once you have done this, set aside some time to talk to your teenager. You could begin by talking about the list you have just made and then asking for their opinion on it. Alternatively, you might prefer to look out for an informal way of bringing up the subject, such as after watching the news or a TV soap together, where there is an example of someone standing up for their values, or a person flouting someone else’s. Either way, it is important to eventually steer the discussion in a direction which will help them to think about their core values as well.
When you are looking at the rules or discussing issues which relate to them, you can refer back to these discussions. Any imposed restriction will be much more acceptable if it is seen to be in line with either your own non-negotiable values or their own values. For example:
‘I know that you are not always hungry at the same time as us, but do you remember when we talked about this on the way to town last month? I explained why I felt so strongly that it should be one of our family rules that we all sit down for a meal together at least three or four times each week. This seems to be the best way for us to keep up with each others’ lives. It’s very important to me that we don’t become strangers that pass in the hall. It can so easily happen now that you are all growing up and are understandably out so much.’
‘I appreciate that you do not like doing the washing-up, but I remember when we were talking about values last week – you were saying that justice was a key one for you…that’s why we agreed to have a rota.’
• Don’t beat about the bush – ‘Call a spade a spade’ as they say in Yorkshire, where I lived for much of my adulthood. Don’t be shy of the word ‘rule’. Don’t skirt around the subject. Be clear that a rule is what it is. It means that certain behaviour is unacceptable, rather than just merely disliked.
Don’t ever assume that because ‘everyone’ knows that you have ‘strong views’ on a certain subject, they will automatically know that there is an unwritten rule.
For example, if your teenager knows full well that you don’t like smoking or swearing, don’t assume that means that they know that they or their friends are not allowed to smoke or swear in the house.
Similarly, they may know how seriously you view their academic work and how strongly you feel about the importance of homework. They may even respect you for your concern and fully agree with you. But, you may still need to clearly establish that one of the house rules is that homework is to be completed every night before starting any social activity. So instead of saying, ‘I can’t believe you didn’t do your homework before going out when you know how important it is’, you could try saying something like, ‘We both believe that your academic work has to have top priority at the moment. Can we agree that doing your homework before coming down to watch TV is one of our rules?’
• Check in advance that you both know what the penalties are for breaking the rules – don’t find yourself in the position of trying to think these up in the heat of the aftermath. Aim at trying to get their agreement to the penalty whenever you can. For example:
‘So, we agree that you will be in by 10 pm on weekdays and that if you are not you will forfeit your right to stay out till midnight on Saturdays.’
• Choose a time when you are both positive and relaxed to do your reviews – as I write this, I can hear imaginary voices laughing derisively at this suggestion! Of course times like these are rare at your stage of family life, but at least you can try not to do the opposite! Refuse to get into a discussion about rules in the middle of an argument or late at night when your energy levels are low. If your teen tries to provoke you into an argument on the subject at an inappropriate time (and they will!), keep calm and repeatedly suggest a time when you would be able and willing to talk. For example:
‘I appreciate you think you have done your fair share, but I don’t want to discuss the cleaning rota now – we’re both het up and tired. Let’s talk about it over a coffee when you come in from school tomorrow. I’ll make sure I’m back early.’
• Demonstrate your willingness to bend the rules occasionally – but only on an advance notice basis and if they come prepared with a good argument to back up their case. It will give their confidence a terrific boost if they feel they can sometimes make you relax the rulebook. For example:
‘So you feel it is a special occasion and you have been working really hard without a break for two weeks…I suppose you have a point. Let’s say tonight’s an exception then.’
But don’t always expect the favour to be returned. This is a game about power and don’t forget that its cards are heavily stacked in your favour most of the time.
‘I remember being let off our chores during exam times – this was really good ‘cos it showed mum and dad were really focused on us and our needs.’
young adult
‘We were too over-confident about bringing up our fourth child. Our biggest mistake was to relax, having coasted rather easily with the first three. She needed firmer boundaries than the others. After one scary near-miss incident we talked and talked and established new ground-rules. Things improved gradually over the next six months without any pressure from us.’
parent (now leader of a parent support group)
Rule 6: Aim to Strike a Deal in 90% of Your Conflicts
‘Conflict, although painful, can be the cutting edge of learning and growth – sometimes out of the breakdown of communication comes breakthrough.’
Sheila Munroe, Communicating with Your Teenager
However careful you are to make sure the rulebook is jointly agreed, there will always be some (or a great deal!) of conflict