‘Because … I don’t know. You feel sorry for me?’
‘Don’t be an idiot. And don’t be so paranoid.’
‘Don’t call me paranoid. That’s not fair.’
‘Well, you’re acting that way.’
‘No, I’m not. I’m afraid I’ve fucked up my entire career –’
‘Well, you haven’t, OK? I’m not hearing big bad Ren Bryce whispers around the office. Around anywhere. You need to get some perspective. A good night’s sleep, a good meal …’
‘Now you sound like my mom.’
‘Me and who?’
‘Just Vincent.’ She let out a breath. ‘I’m just … I can’t face it all. I’m sick of being tired. I’m sick of running around. I’m not sick of the inn. I love it here. And now I have to leave. And I’ll be in a tan motel room.’
‘Ask for a pink one.’
She rolled her eyes. ‘Jesus, Paul. Look, I gotta go.’
‘I’m sorry, two-two-three. I was trying to make you smile.’
‘You usually do. Goodnight.’ She hung up.
Two-two-three; he hasn’t said that in a while.
She lay back on the bed, held the phone over her face and scrolled down to Helen’s number. After a minute staring at it, she hit B for Billy.
Ren’s makeup had worn off, her nose and her eyes were red when the knock came at the door to the outside stairs.
‘Hey,’ said Billy. ‘What’s up? You OK?’ Ren shook her head, said nothing, just went back to where she was lying on the sofa. He sat beside her and guided her head gently on to his lap. He stroked her face until it got wet with tears. She sat up eventually and grabbed a handkerchief from the night stand. She looked at him with sad eyes.
‘What’s up?’ he said.
‘I have to go,’ she said.
‘Where? Now?’
‘No. I’ve been … transferred. To Glenwood.’
‘What? Why?’
Here goes. ‘Resources and funding and … stuff.’
‘The FBI is not short of funds.’
‘It’s not that. Look, to be honest, I don’t know why they’re doing this to me. And I’m not happy.’
‘Well, that explains the tears then …’
Ren tried to smile through them. ‘It’s not just that, Billy …’
‘Oh. This is an opportunity for a nice clean break. I was thinking; I mean, Glenwood’s only an hour and a half away …’
‘I’m sorry … I don’t know what to say.’
‘Did they find out about us?’
Yes. ‘No.’
‘I don’t know if I believe you.’
‘That’s OK. But they don’t know. And even if they did, you’re OK. Nothing’s going to happen to you.’
He let out a long breath. They sat in silence. He dragged her legs on to his lap.
‘You have beautiful feet.’ He bent down and kissed them.
‘Thank you.’
He reached out and slipped a hand under her back and pulled her up to sit on him. He stared into her eyes.
‘What do you think you’re going to find?’ she said.
He shrugged. ‘You love having arms wrapped around you, Ren. But sometimes I get the sense that it doesn’t matter whose arms.’
‘That’s a terrible thing to say.’
‘It doesn’t matter – as long as whoever owns those arms doesn’t care about you too much, right?’
Ren said nothing.
‘It’s weird … you have this look,’ said Billy.
‘Do I?’
He nodded. ‘A faraway look.’
‘I don’t think so … but if I do, it’s not because of you.’
‘It’s kind of aimed through me.’
‘I had no idea.’
He shrugged.
‘I don’t know you very well,’ said Ren.
‘And you get confused by my game face,’ said Billy. ‘The one I have on when I’m in the bar. The one I have on when I’m eyeballing the dirtbags that come in and out. The face that makes you wonder.’ He tilted his head. ‘Am I right? Did you look any deeper? I know you’re going, Ren. But what was I? I don’t get it. What – you were looking for a little danger in your life?’
‘Stop,’ said Ren. ‘Just stop. This isn’t fair.’
‘You’ve never known,’ said Billy. ‘From day one, you have never known how you feel about me, have you? I mean, one part of you does. I’ve seen that. But what about up here?’ He pointed to her head. ‘Or here?’ He held a hand to her heart. ‘Jesus, Ren. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was gay.’
‘What?’
‘You are the closest to a man of any woman I’ve ever known. You’ve been thinking with your dick.’
‘Or about yours.’ She half-smiled.
‘Sweetheart? You’ve been thinking about more than just my dick, and that’s what has you so freaked out.’
Her smile faltered. ‘I don’t know if –’
‘OK, hands up in the audience who hasn’t understood that Ren Bryce doesn’t know?’ He threw his arms up in the air. ‘How can someone so smart be so out of touch with how she feels? Seriously?’
‘But where did you come from?’ said Ren. ‘You look like a … with your tattoos and … well … then you have this …’
Billy laughed out loud. ‘Let me help you out – I look like America’s Most Wanted.’ He smiled sadly. ‘And what my most wanted is … is …’ He looked away.
Ren’s stomach tightened. ‘Aw, Billy. Jesus…’ She frowned. ‘I don’t deserve this. How can you still be so nice to me?’
‘Because I’m hoping that at some point you will know. That you’ll figure it all out. And that I’ll have a shot.’
‘But I can’t even promise –’
He reached across the table. ‘I know. And … look, I’ll be here …’ He smiled sadly. ‘That’s what Billy does. Billy waits.’
Ren knew that the best part of her day would be the snowy drive through Glenwood Canyon, one of the most beautiful stretches of highway she had ever traveled. She listened to classical scores from movie soundtracks and the snow fell lightly. When she arrived at Glenwood, Tiny Gressett was there not to welcome her.
‘Didn’t think it was today you were coming.’ He glanced at the desk calendar beside him.
Sure. ‘Wow. And that’s not even today’s date,’ said Ren, smiling.
‘No. You’re right there,’ said