a victory? I felt an extraordinary pride that exploded in a flash of pleasant heat in my chest. I breathed deeply and realized that, despite the strength of the enemy, we were able to overcome everything and protect our land. Looking at my comrades, I looked into their eyes and smiled, knowing that they, too, could not hold back their joy. Each of us was proud of each other, for himself and everyone who helped this happen. After this battle I and my husband were awarded. We were happy and glad to serve our homeland faithfully. Byrd was took on the front-frank in this year too. I remember how I steadfastly conducted him without any tears but I will not lie – I suffered crazy pain of separation. I convinced myself that Byrd needs homeland more than me however, fear for him and for us prevailed over me and all my feminine nature. Time by time beloved sent me letters from the front and I read it for my son. And so… I got to the fateful date, the twenty-third of February 1944 is the date from which my life was divided into «before» and «after.» I was called to the regional party committee on the twenty-second of February they gave me a permit for unimpeded movement and asked to agitate the people not to resist exile. I was assured that they would evict only traitors. It was given special task -agitate the nearest villages. Just in case I asked sniper rifle and climbing equipment and I got consent. In the end, they trusted me one hundred percent. I calmed my mother-in-law, saying that I would go back home, put the child to bed and went on a journey at night, somewhere in the hour. This night – twenty-third of February, 1944. Remember, I only stepped on the mountain being in way about one hour and I heard sounds and screams from side of village. I was not be slow and did not think about anything which is not means. I ran really fast forgetting how much time it can take again. It makes no sense to describe the panic which mastered my body at return. My house was empty. My and other, only the noise of cars leaving away was heard in the distance. I instantly saddled a horse and rushed after it. I did not catch up with the car, but I arrived at the nearest station, where my nation people were loaded into cattle cars. Using the case, I ran from railway carriage to railway carriage and looked for son, mother-in-law. I screamed, almost yelled, called them, but the crying of thousands of women and children interrupted everything. They, like ordinary cattle, were loaded into cold, unheated cars. And then – just like in a dream. I remembered only the words of some old man who shouted at those who were crying. «Calm down, we will not be taken to where there is no Allah!» -it was his instruction. The unhappy people calmed down, the districts plunged into complete silence… I remember how they pushed me away from the railway carriage, and then – the sound of wheels and nothing more. A void arose in my chest, and I put my hand on my heart, trying to at least somehow occupy it. But instead, I felt something moving away from me, flowing through my fingers like sand. The confusion turned into a burning stunned, and misunderstanding in the very present impotence. Not believing that I lost my son and mother-in-law, I tried to say something, to call for help, but I could not. The last thing I did was to glance somewhere on the railroad and noticed how the metal silhouette of the train disappeared. I woke up because I was shaking by the shoulders. The secret companion was my colleague, part worker Ivan. Also he was friend of our family. Let’s go Dasy, the political party needs you» – he whispered, I did not understand what he meant. And through some minutes I felt terrible insight- l have mother and brothers, maybe I can still protect them. I have not seen Ivan anymore. And I did not want to see him because I was stifled by envy and I hated people who had whole families. I remember how pushed up Ivan, jumped to the horse and after a few seconds rushed to the castle in which my mother live and after a few seconds rushed to the castled. I felt crazy horror when I crossed Fortange (river) but I had a hope and moved on. I haven’t got the habit to give up. Even in such hard time I believed – there is the road which leads forward. … But if in my house I was met only by emptiness, the castle ««Aegi Chozh» was not empty. Is it happiness? By no means. It was full of corpses. My dear mother, the most gentle and kind woman in the world, the one to whom I owe my life, lay with a broken head and hugged my younger brother, whose body was riddled with bullets. He was not taken to the front because of his age. I don’t remember whether I was crying or howling, whether I was tearing off my nails on hard crumbs. Only the earth was incredibly hard to dig when she dug it to bury them. I first thought about what the first pain is. Looking around at the onset of tension, I could not understand why I could hear this deafening silence. And then I glanced at the stones. They were all silent but waited for the moment to mourn those who are now buried in the ground. To mourn in silence without tears and with a groan which is only heard by them. Two my brothers were on the front and their families lived apart. One – in Jeyrakh, the second – in the Prigorodny district. By an inhuman effort of will, I convinced myself that at least everything was fine with them, buried mother and younger brother, and then rushed off to Jayrah. When I manager to get there, I saw people from the mountain and felt a shine of spark of hope- it means that there are alive people, and there are not empty and corpses like in other villages. For joy (could I still experience joy?…) I rushed faster until I did not noticed chord of people which was led towards Hamhi. When I managed to get there, I saw people from the mountain and felt a spark of hope shine somewhere inside – it means that there are living things here, and not emptiness and corpses, as in other settlements. For joy (could I still experience joy?) rushed faster, until she noticed how a crowd of people were led towards Hamhi. «They were certainly arrested and taken somewhere for detention… But at least they are alive, they are alive!» – I thought so when I called my daughter-in-law, nephews. People were too far away, nobody heard me and nobody answered. The village disappeared out of sight of the trees, when I came down from the mountain, spurred my horse and rushed after people at full speed. Oh, Allah, what I saw then… T
he burning building, the people burning alive… In an inhuman panic, rushed to the door, but I was ruthlessly pushed away. Through the buzz in my ears I heard only: «Go away, if you do not want to share their fate with them.» I was saved because of my pass. I climbed the mountain, no longer thinking at all about anything, took off the sniper rifle tied to my horse and began in the mad pleasure of shooting everyone I saw in the convoy near the burning building. I laughed harshly, just to drown out the torment, with eyes blind from behind the wind watching the burning fire, and then for a long time I searched for nephews and daughter-in-law. I could not understand who is who in this pile of burnt bodies. Not despair, but intoxicating anger seized me. Bloodthirsty madness seized me. I did not want to cry, but wanted to break the world in half, turn everything upside down. I writhed on the ground and trying to understand what was going on. I banged my head against the stones, trying to wake up. But I did not wake up. Somewhere, deep in my chest, a wild emptiness has long grown, which did not allow me to become the same, and who will remain as such after what happened?.. Later, I learned that they simply forgot to send the dead, but were afraid to tell Stalin about it and decided to just burn it.
In that time I still believed that Stalin did not know anything – I remember how I ran in the city to give the telegraph. I sincerely hoped that he would take action and punish all people who are guilty. I gave telegraph with the mark «The lighting» and waited the answer. It took time to recover and to go to the suburban area without any hope. I repeated myself that maybe my brother’s family survived, they cannot disappear all at once. It would be unfair! But in this I believed little. At the entrance to the village, I immediately had a chance to see a lot of people who rushed from side to side with things. I did not immediately understand that they were Ossetian marauders and Ingush neighbors. My brother’s house remained as before: each thing laid in its place, nothing changed, only in the middle of the room his Ossetian neighbor, Soslan, stood in a businesslike manner. So he stopped dead in motion when he saw me. At that moment, I desperately regretted that my rifle was tied to the stake – having seen it, the man began to shout and call other people for help. I had to run away before they got caught me. I returned to «Aegi Chozh». There still wasn’t any soul. If you close single entrance then the path to the gorge became cut off, and so I was safe. As soon as I took to the top of the battle tower and took up the position from which I saw the world around, then… I wept.
