Shag? Surely cheating could include snogging, right? Why did EVERYTHING have to be about sex?
‘Oh God, um, it was ages ago. I was seventeen, and I was dating this guy called James Mar—’ I paused, suddenly remembering that Joe, one of the guys in the room, had gone to the same school as James. Hopefully he would have no idea who I was talking about, especially because I was trying to pass off this casual fling (could I even call it a fling?) as a bona fide relationship.
‘So, yeah, I was dating James, and I hooked up with someone else. When I was drunk, at a party. Not very exciting.’ I laughed awkwardly.
Hannah looked at me with raised eyebrows and did a feminine snort as she turned away, literally flouncing her hair. I’d thought only shampoo models did that.
Marie, a Belgian ex-model with a block fringe, asked, ‘So, it is my turn now?’ All the boys looked up at the sound of her accent and grinned their assent. ‘OK, so I have had anal sex.’
I choked on the pretzel I was eating and coughed. No one noticed because all the boys were grinning and admiring Marie’s looks while Hannah shrieked about her getting the rules wrong and ruining the game. I grabbed my glass and drank quickly, feeling better as the bits of pretzel were flushed down my throat.
I looked up to see who had actually drunk for this, wondering if Charlie would. I saw Hannah staring at me with her beady eyes as she shrieked, ‘Oh, my God—Ellie just drank, as well! So that’s five of the boys, Marie, Emma and Ellie. Wow, Ellie, you’re such a dark horse.’
All of them were staring at me. I saw Charlie’s appreciative expression, and something like lust spreading across his face. I felt the blood drain out of my cheeks and tried to force my face into something resembling a smile. I shrugged as I fake-smiled too brightly and reached back into the bowl of pretzels.
‘So, who did you do it with?’ asked Hannah persistently. I could have killed her.
Luckily, Emma—the only girl there whose clothes looked way more Topshop than charity shop—came to my rescue. ‘Uh, I thought we were playing Never Have I Ever, not Twenty Questions,’ she said.
Hannah shrugged and Emma carried on. ‘But if we are allowed to ask questions, then why don’t you tell us your cheating story? You already made Ellie tell hers.’
Hannah looked confused. ‘Um, I didn’t drink for the cheating one.’
Emma’s hand flew to her mouth. ‘Oh, my bad. I got confused with the question. For a second, I thought it was about being the person who slept with someone who was already in a relationship … like you did with Tom. Oh shit, I’ve said too much,’ she finished as Hannah’s face went purple.
Kara turned around in shock. ‘TOM, AS IN, MY EX-BOYFRIEND TOM?’ she screeched.
Emma shot me a wink and I let out a yelp of laughter, which no one noticed because they were too engrossed watching Kara scream at Hannah. I grabbed my coat and bag and slipped towards the door, using this as the perfect escape opportunity. I was about to leave when Emma snuck out from behind me.
‘So, how much fun was that?’ She grinned.
‘You saved me,’ I replied gratefully.
‘From that skank? I know, I can’t stand her.’
I stared at her with my mouth wide open. ‘No way, are you serious? I thought everyone loved her. She’s so pretty and confident and has the Shoreditch style down to a T.’
Emma rolled her bright blue eyes. ‘OK, so she’s pretty, but it seems like she only owns one dress and her personality is so grating it hurts to be around her for more than an hour.’
I started laughing, surprised. Who would have thought anyone else could see past Hannah’s fake-flower headband into her unhippy heart? ‘Oh my God, I couldn’t be happier you just said that,’ I cried. ‘I thought I was the only one who hated her.’
Emma grinned through her thickly coated red lips. ‘Trust me, you’re not alone in this, babe. Anyway, we should go for cocktails and share our anal sex stories.’
I made a strangled, yelping sound and Emma looked at me questioningly. Oh God, to lie or not to lie?
I compromised with a half lie. ‘Um. That part wasn’t actually true. I’ve never had anal sex. I just drank because I was choking on a pretzel and then it was too late to say no.’
She threw her head back and let out a throaty cackle. ‘OK, wait, so why didn’t you just tell Hannah you accidentally drank and didn’t mean to admit you took it up the bum?’
I flushed at her very visual words. ‘I guess I wished I was the kind of girl who, uh, took it up … there,’ I admitted. For a second, it had been kind of exciting to have Charlie look at me as though I was shaggable.
‘Babe, anyone can be that girl. I’m sure the guys are queuing up to do you up … there.’ She grinned.
I looked at her doubtfully. ‘They’re not.’
She dismissed me with a wave of her hand. ‘You must be going to the wrong places. Next weekend, you’re coming out with me. Text me,’ she said, blowing me a kiss as she turned back to the party, sashaying on her five-inch-heeled boots.
She left a trail of Miss Dior Chérie in her wake and I couldn’t help imagining what it would be like to be Emma. Maybe if I started wearing perfume instead of the strawberry body spray I bulk-bought two years ago, I could have casual sex stories and stand up to Hannah Fielding.
I looked down at the soggy pretzel I was still holding and realised I had a long way to go.
I WOKE UP with a loud groan as I remembered what had happened at the party. My eyes were still glued together with sleep so I groped around blindly for my mobile and called Lara, my best friend.
She was my first port of call whenever something humiliating happened to me. I turned my horrible luck with men into funny stories for her so we could laugh about them and help me forget how much it hurt deep down. The Bite Job had given us enough ammunition for years.
Lara had given up her V-plates a year earlier than the legal limit, at the age of fifteen. He was called Marc, went to a school near ours in Guildford, and it only happened once. She was never exactly sure if it counted as sex, because even though he had penetrated her, it only lasted a couple of seconds and he didn’t go fully in. Marc never called again.
Now she had moved on and was living my parents’ dream by studying law at Oxford. Although her Facebook relationship status was still single, she had been having an on-off thing with a guy called Jez for three years. They’d met at the start of her gap year and had been having casual sex ever since. I wished I’d taken a gap year.
She picked up the phone on the fifteenth ring. ‘Ellie, thank God you called. I’m having a crisis.’
I pulled the duvet over my head. ‘Me, too. I played Never Have I Ever with the hipster crew and I told them I had anal sex.’
‘Why would you say that—you haven’t even had real sex.’
‘AND YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW THAT?’ I yelled down the phone at her. She responded with silence and I sighed despondently. ‘Anyway, I give up on my life—it’s too depressing. What’s your crisis? I hope it’s worse than mine. I need major distraction.’
‘Trust me, it is. I’m home for Easter and want to see Jez but, as usual, he is being a dick and won’t reply to my messages. So