“You said you’re a firefighter? Don’t tell me you haven’t seen some bad things yourself.”
Dropping his head to stare at his clenched hands, Mick nodded. He’d seen his share of terrible things—things a man couldn’t unsee. There were days when he wanted to quit. If not for the Lord’s grace, he might have.
“I expect it’s the same for both of us,” Winston continued. “We got into our lines of work to make a difference. We stay because, not every day, but some days we do make a difference in people’s lives.”
Mick nodded, surprised at how well the man understood him. He’d made a snap judgment about Lloyd Winston, thinking the man was an overworked bureaucrat who didn’t care. He was wrong. It was evident that Lloyd cared a lot.
Mick’s smile faded. “What will happen if Beth doesn’t make it? If she dies—what will happen?”
“Usually, the body remains here until the family chooses a mortuary, but in this case, she’ll be taken to the city morgue. If no one claims the body after three or four months they’ll bury her. The city provides plots for unclaimed bodies.”
“What’ll happen if she lives, but her mother doesn’t?”
“As I said, she’ll be placed in foster care.”
“No.” Mick heard the word, but almost didn’t believe he had said it. Was he really considering such a deception?
“I’m sorry, I don’t understand.” Winston stared at him.
“Beth isn’t going into foster care. I know her mother wouldn’t want that.” Is this what You want, Lord?
Was he losing his mind? Saying that Beth was his child was a lie. But Mick couldn’t hand her over to strangers—whether she lived or died. Wasn’t this what Caitlin wanted? For him to take care of her child if she couldn’t? He was adopting Beth with her mother’s blessing. His troubled conscience grew quiet.
“I’ll sign the paternity papers.”
Winston left and returned a few minutes later. Mick took the form and stared at the blank line on the bottom. Signing it would give the child of a stranger his name. Legally, Beth would become his responsibility forever. It would be up to him to make a home for her, to see that she got to school on time for the first day of kindergarten, to see that she had the money to go to college. He’d become responsible for medical bills that could leave him in debt until he was an old man. If she died today, he would plan her funeral.
Was this right? Was it truly what God wanted of him? If he didn’t do this, could he live with himself? Could he walk away and go on with his life knowing he had let Caitlin down? He knew that he couldn’t.
I’m sorry for this lie, Lord, but I believe in my heart that this is what You are asking of me. Please help me to do the right thing. Bending forward, he scrawled his name on the line.
“Mick, you can come in now.” Sandra stood in the doorway.
He leaped to his feet. “Is she okay?”
“She’s stable. Come and see for yourself.”
He followed her into the nursery. A clear tube stained with droplets of blood protruded from Beth’s right side and led to a plastic box below her bed. In its chambers, a column of water bubbled freely.
“It looks weird,” Sandra said, “but it doesn’t hurt her.”
Beth was alive, that was all that mattered to Mick.
Thank You, God. Make me worthy of this gift.
He slipped a tentative finger beneath the baby’s limp hand. She lay pale and quiet, making no move to grip his finger as she’d done before. Sandra pulled a tall stool over beside the bed, and Mick nodded his thanks. Sitting down, he tilted his face to gaze at his baby.
His baby. His daughter. A warm glow replaced the chill in the center of his chest. She belonged to him, legally, if not by blood. How often had he wondered what it would be like? Wondered if he could love an adopted child the same as his own flesh and blood? Now he knew. He’d come to love Beth the first moment she had frowned at him. He loved the way she wrinkled her brow, and he loved her long, delicate fingers. He loved the way she kicked her feet over the edge of her bunting, and the way she fussed until someone changed her diaper when she was wet. He couldn’t imagine loving any child more.
As he sat watching her and trying to imagine a future together he saw Beth’s face contort into a grimace. She stiffened her arms, holding them out straight. Her whole body twitched. He looked for help. “Sandra, something’s wrong.”
She came quickly to the bedside. She took hold of the baby’s arm, but it continued to jerk. “Let me get the doctor.”
She returned with Dr. Myers. “How long?” he asked, watching the baby intently.
“A minute now,” Sandra replied.
“You’re right. Looks like a seizure. Let’s get an EEG and give her a loading dose of phenobarbital. I’ll write the orders.”
Mick caught the doctor’s arm before he could turn away. “What would cause her to have a seizure?”
“I can’t say for sure. We’ll have to do some tests. We’ll let you know the results as soon as we get them.”
Mick stayed with Beth for another hour, then he left the NICU and made his way down to the adult intensive care unit where he waited to be allowed in to see Caitlin. Her nurse for the evening gave him the first encouraging news he’d had since the day Beth was born. Caitlin was assisting the ventilator at times by breathing on her own.
“Does this mean she’s waking up?”
The nurse shook her head. “Unfortunately, no. Patients in a coma can often breathe without a vent.”
“I see.” And he did. If Caitlin came off of the ventilator but didn’t wake up, she might live in a vegetative state for years.
He opened Caitlin’s door and stepped into the dimly lit room. She lay on her side facing the window. Beyond the dark panes of glass, the lights of the city glowed brightly, and traffic streamed by on the streets below. Cars filled with people who had homes and families waiting. Everyone had somewhere to go. Everyone except the woman on the bed.
What he knew of her life had been filled with pain. Had she ever known a safe night in the arms of someone she loved? Would she have a chance for any of those things, or would she live out her life caught between waking and dying, kept alive by tube feedings and overworked nurses?
Pulling up a chair, he sat beside her and took her hand. “I had to make a choice today, Caitlin. I signed paternity papers. Beth is now legally my child. Our child, I guess. As strange as this sounds, in my heart I feel sure it’s what you wanted. It’s the only way I can look after her.”
He watched the ventilator for a while, but he couldn’t tell if it was breathing for her or if she was breathing by herself.
“I’d like to tell you that things are going well for her, but the truth is, she’s in a lot of trouble. It was touch and go all day today.”
Tears pricked his eyes, and his throat closed around the words he didn’t want to say. “I don’t know if she’s going to make it, Caitlin. And I don’t know how I’m going to face it if she doesn’t. I love her already—I do.”
He wiped his eyes with the back of one hand and drew a shaky breath. “I have to believe she’s going to be okay. I have faith, and I’ve prayed more in the past few days than in any time in my life.”
He leaned forward and brushed his knuckles down the soft skin of her cheek. “Lady, you have no idea of the mess you started. I’m not even sure how I’m going to explain this to my family. Frankly, they’re going to think I’m certifiable.”