Elaina felt instantly shamed. She should have figured it out on her own. She should have known. Hadn’t she seen something similar in movies? Indians maiming themselves when a loved one died—cutting their skin, their hair? She looked at Nick and wondered if he’d taken a knife to himself, as well. If there were scars somewhere on his body.
“Does it help?” she asked. “Does it take the pain away?”
He closed his eyes, and as the wind blew around him in a silent flutter, Elaina waited for him to answer.
But he didn’t. He just stood, with his eyes closed. Stood while her heart pounded in an unsteady rhythm.
“Nick?” she pressed. If there was a way to ease the pain that came with losing Grant, then Elaina needed to know.
Two
Nick didn’t know what to say. Nothing helped, nothing made living without his brother more bearable. Yes, he’d cut his hair, honoring the old way, but keeping it short was more than a mourning ritual. It was a daily reminder of what he’d done, of his involvement in Grant’s death. And so were the marks on his chest, the places where he’d shed his own blood. The wounds had long since healed, but the pain and guilt wouldn’t go away.
He opened his eyes and gazed at Elaina. She watched him, her heart on her sleeve. She was hurting, too. Trying to find a way to cope with being a widow, with raising a troubled daughter.
“No,” he said. “It doesn’t help. But it’s part of my culture. And I’ve always followed the early practices. The best I can, anyway. Sometimes it’s difficult living in modern times and adhering to the old ways.”
Elaina tilted her head. “Grant was concerned about being stereotyped, but other than that, he rarely talked about being Indian. It didn’t seem to be a major issue in his life.”
But it was, Nick thought. Grant had turned away from their heritage long ago. Yet on that dark summer night, he’d come back to his roots. He’d died in Nick’s arms, asking Nick to take his place the way a Comanche brother would have done centuries before.
He looked at Elaina, knowing how much Grant had loved her. And now it was Nick’s responsibility to keep her happy and safe, to provide for her well-being.
She was pretty. Nick couldn’t deny how soft her skin seemed or how daylight played upon her hair, intensifying subtle copper hues. What man wouldn’t find her attractive? She had long, lean curves, the kind of body that made a pair of blue jeans seem sleek yet sinful.
Was he supposed to sleep with her? Make love to her on their wedding night?
Nick jammed his hands in his pockets. Of course he was. Sex was part of the marriage tradition. A natural, normal, healthy physical release.
And one that made him nervous as hell. Elaina was his brother’s wife, the woman Grant had loved.
“Are you all right?” she asked, placing her hand on his shoulder.
“Yeah. I’m fine. I just miss my brother.“
“Me, too.”
They stood in the middle of the yard, their gazes locked, the morning air scented with horses and hay. A loose strand of Elaina’s hair blew around her face, breaking free from the ladylike confinement.
Her eyes were so blue, so emotional, that Nick wanted to kiss her.
He wanted to kiss his brother’s wife.
Because the thought confused him, he stepped back. She was beautiful, and Grant had asked him to take care of her, but somehow she still seemed forbidden. A woman who was his, yet wasn’t.
He resumed walking. “We better get the horses watered and fed.”
She stayed beside him. “Just tell me what to do.”
They reached the barn, and he led her to the feed room. While loading a wheelbarrow, he explained that he kept a stockpile of hay for colder months.
“It doesn’t seem like winter,” she commented. “I was hoping for a little snow. You know, just enough to play in.”
He had to smile. A California girl imagining a white Christmas. “It might happen. Will Rogers used to say that if you don’t like the weather in Oklahoma, wait a minute and it’ll change.”
She chuckled, and he glanced up from his task. A few more strands of her hair had come loose. He had the notion to brush it away from her cheek, but proceeded to section the hay instead. He supposed the pinned-up style was her teacher hairdo—proper and pretty.
They approached the box stalls, and Elaina made a beeline for Nick’s moodiest mount, a gray he called Kid. The gelding tossed his head and stepped back warily, even if his breakfast was within sniffing distance.
“What’s the matter?” she asked the horse in a soft voice. “Are you bashful?”
Kid was more than head-shy. The three-year-old had acquired every leave-me-alone habit Nick could think of. “That’s Kid. I haven’t had him for very long. He’s a bit of a project.”
“You’re going to work with him?“
“Yeah.” And this was Nick’s first attempt to make a gentleman out of an ill-mannered mount. “I’m a saddle maker, not a trainer, but I’ve got plenty of patience.”
Elaina stepped back to view the horse. “I like him.” “Really?” Surprised, Nick entered the stall and pushed against the gelding’s rump when Kid tried to crowd him. They went through the same routine every morning. Kid was determined to jam Nick against the wall, and Nick was determined to make the horse behave. “Besides the fact that his stall manners are deplorable, he bites, kicks and pulls away while he’s being led. Oh, and he charges in pasture, too.”
Kid pinned his ears, and Elaina managed an amused look. “You must like him, too. After all, you did buy him.”
“He was cheap.” And Kid’s previous owners had given up on the feisty gelding, the way Nick’s mom had given up on him and Grant. She’d walked away, leaving behind a shabby old house and two confused boys.
He exited Kid’s stall and received a good-riddance sneer on his way out.
Elaina stifled a laugh. “He’s trying so hard to be a tough guy.”
“Yeah, well, he’s a pain in the ass.” Nick reached into the wheelbarrow and filled Kid’s hay crib. “And if he doesn’t shape up, he’s going to end up as some spoiled little poodle’s dinner.” He sent the gelding a pointed look. “They make dog food out of rotten horses, you know.”
Kid sneered again, and Elaina gave in to the urge to laugh. Nick turned to watch her, to see the light dancing in those incredible blue eyes.
“His name certainly suits him,” she said. “Every kid I know makes that face at one time or another.”
“Even Lexie?”
Her laughter faded. “Especially Lexie.”
They stood in silence then, looking at each other. Her breath hitched, and he ignored complaints from a row of hungry horses. Nick didn’t know what it felt like to be a parent, but he knew how it felt to honor his dying brother’s last request, to promise to devote the rest of his life to Grant’s family.
“Lexie’s really sad, isn’t she?”
Elaina nodded. “Sad, angry, confused. Her father was murdered, her best friend moved and she’s battling puberty. That’s enough to send anyone over the edge.”
“I guess you’ve gone the doctor route,” he said, feeling useless.
In an absent gesture, she lifted a blade of hay. “Yes, but Lexie wasn’t very receptive to therapy. Antidepressants didn’t help, either.”